We asked psychotherapist Alexander Badkhen to consult one of the readers of Psychologies magazine. The conversation is recorded on a voice recorder: this makes it possible to understand what is actually happening in the psychotherapist’s office. Names and personal information The heroines have been changed for privacy reasons. This time, 32-year-old Veronica is at the reception with Alexander Badkhen.
Veronica: I have everything I need to be happy: a husband whom I love, children, a great job, friends, I travel a lot. The only thing I don't have is my mother. She is alive and well, my mother is just not in my life. And it never was. I remember how she left my sister and me for five days in kindergarten and how I cried, and my older sister said that my mother would definitely take us. I remember how my mother allowed her common-law husband give me a brutal slap in the face. As she told someone on the phone that I was ugly and that I should at least think about my education so that I would not be left out of work. I can remember endlessly, and this resentment towards her really interferes with my life. I’m trying with all my might to forget this, justify and forgive my mother, but I can’t.
Alexander Badkhen: You said that you are trying to justify your mother...
Yes, I try... because... (cries) she didn't love me. I can't remember anything warm and pleasant. But I constantly justify her, because she herself did not have a mother - she died very early.
Do you explain her cold attitude towards you by the fact that she grew up without a mother?
I think she just doesn't know how much it hurts when you don't care. But, justifying it, I understand that this is not such a good reason to make your children unhappy. Besides, I can’t understand why she doesn’t have warm feelings for her now grown-up children.
You said - to adult children. But you felt this way as a child, too?
It seems to me that when my sister and I began to grow up, we began to disturb her even more. Mom had a personal life, and I lived with the feeling that I was disturbing her, that I needed to go somewhere. That's why I got married very early. I love my husband, but the initial impetus for getting married was my mother. Not with words, but with her behavior - she simply forced me to leave the house, making life together unbearable. For example, I remember... She demanded money from me for rent and food from the age of 16! You know, when I remember this (cries), it’s simply unbearable.
These memories still continue to hurt you.
Very much. You might probably get the impression that my mother is some kind of alcoholic or... This is not so. She is quite successful, she has a settled life, she lives with her loved one. She's fine.
Veronica, you say that you don’t feel your mother’s love. When did you realize this?
When my son was born, he was five years old, and my daughter was two years old. Before this I had nothing to compare it to. When he was born, I decided that I would be a completely different mother for my children. This does not mean that I spoil them, but I try to show them my love once again.
That is, when your son appeared, something began to happen in your relationship with him that you did not remember in your relationship with your mother.
Yes it is. You are absolutely right.
In relationships with children, you try to compensate for your childhood lack of love.
What exactly?
This may seem banal, but when my son returns from the garden, I hug him, kiss him, and ask him everything. I miss him and I'm interested in everything that happened to him during the day. Or suddenly there is a desire to sit next to the children on the sofa, hug them and read with them, watch a movie. These are normal feelings for any parent. But it wasn't like that with our mother. Of course, my mother dressed us and fed us, but she never gave us her time. And if I didn’t have such an acute problem with her, perhaps I would be more relaxed about the time I spend with my children, more easily.
You try to compensate for your childhood lack of love in your relationships with children. It’s as if you learned this lesson in childhood and now you know exactly what the value of a mother’s relationship with her children is.
Yes, I know what it is to love a child.
Have you ever discussed this with your mother?
Yes of course. But it's no use. For example, when my daughter was born, my mother did not come to us for a long time. I asked why she was doing this. But she found a strange excuse: she said that she had no free time. When she finally came to us, she constantly looked at her watch and said that she still had a lot to do. It was very painful. (Cries.)
That is, you feel that she has no need to see you.
Absolutely right.
You really need to communicate with her.
When something bad happens, my first desire is to cuddle up to my mother. Although I can only imagine how nice it is. I have never had such an experience, even in adolescence. I tried once, but she pushed me away and said that my problem was nonsense and that it was simply not worth bothering with.
It turns out, on the one hand, you cannot rely on it, but on the other hand, you still hope for it.
Yes. I, like a child, give her a chance over and over again, as if I’m begging her: finally pay attention to me, I’m trying so hard for you! And I still hope that she herself will call me, invite me. So that I don’t ask for this relationship.
You want her to call you, so that she changes, becomes different. And as a result, a space would arise to talk about their grievances and discuss them. But every new meeting brings disappointment and becomes another trauma for you.
Yes, that is right.
And at the same time, you cannot let go of this relationship. They hurt you again and again.
Yes, it's mom. And perhaps the hopelessness is precisely because I can’t do anything about it, I can’t exchange her for another mother.
Yes, you really can’t exchange, but... You know, parents often find it difficult to let go of their child. But for you it’s the other way around: you can’t let your mother live her own life. Accept her, no matter what she is, I mean her rigidity in relationships, even cruelty, insensitivity. It’s as if you all hope that she will return to you as you have dreamed of for so many years.
If we are not valuable to our mother, then do we have any value at all?
But it seems to me that when my time comes to let my children go, even despite the internal pain and fear for them, I will do everything possible to both preserve and continue...
- (Silent.)
You talk about relationships with your children, about the value of spiritual closeness with them, which you learned about at a very bitter cost. And at the same time, you dream of maintaining a close relationship that did not exist. It's practically impossible.
It's pointless, I would even say.
I think this is important to acknowledge and accept.
Yes, it's possible. But it’s hard for me to accept that I have no value to my mother.
Perhaps because the question inevitably arises: if we are not valuable to our mother, then do we have any value at all?
Yes, perhaps so. But it seems to me that my relationship with my husband makes up for what she lacked in me. I see his love, care, and perhaps this is what saves me from deep depression.
It's good to have him in your life.
Yes, it’s very good that he and the children exist. I recently walked with them, they took turns running up to me, and I caught them and hugged them. And you know, I even cried. I don't remember this in my childhood.
How did you feel at that moment?
- (Crying.) I don’t know... (With surprise.) Envy? My children are very lucky. This probably sounds strange...
Love that did not happen in your childhood, it seems to be knocking all the time. It’s like your childhood holds you and won’t let you go. They are holding on to an unfinished relationship that never even existed. It seems paradoxical, but it is true.
Yes, that is right.
What do you think could help you let go of your childhood and see that you are living an adult life in which you have a husband and your own children, there is an opportunity to put love into your relationships with them? And thus move to the present moment.
Your relationship with your mother becomes the starting point for your well-being. In this you are not free
I think I should just get over it. Accept the situation and no longer try to change it. If this works out, then I won’t even have to hope that my mother will treat me differently.
Don't expect any changes from her...
Well, you're right!
Accept that she doesn’t see something, is insensitive to something, is limited in something, is simply not capable of something, and build a relationship with her - just such a person.
Yes. It seems to me that this will be the way out. I used to think a lot about how my mother should change. After all, she is wrong. Do you think it will become easier for me if I change not my mother, but my attitude towards her? I really want this to stop. But for it to happen like this, on one day... It’s somehow strange. Unreal.
One day it must be strange and unreal. But maybe you can devote some time to this. I got the impression that the relationship with your mother does not let you go and you do not let it go either, hold on to it. On the one hand, they hurt you, and on the other, you yourself hold this situation inside yourself. You constantly compare your relationship with your mother and your relationship with your children and your husband. They become the starting point of your well-being and occupy a very large part in your life. In this you are not free. It seems to me that you are very tired. Maybe you should start meeting with a psychologist and taking classes. Work on it.
Veronica (in a month):“I just couldn’t imagine that one meeting with a therapist could help so much. During the conversation, it was as if I saw the whole situation from a different perspective: as if everything was happening not to me, but to another person. And suddenly I realized that I seemed to be “stuck” in childhood and continue to wait and even demand from my mother what she cannot give me. During this month we saw her, and there is progress: she did not come to us for an hour and a half, as usual, but spent the whole evening talking with her grandchildren, and behaved more naturally than usual. But I didn’t even talk to her about this topic, something just changed in my attitude, I stopped putting pressure on her. And mom felt it. Of course, the bitter memories are still alive in me. But I decided to start a course of psychotherapy in order to cope with this forever. And just start living."
Alexander Badkhen:“Stereotypes of relationships are reproduced from generation to generation: Veronica’s mother herself lost her mother in early childhood and transferred this lack of love to her daughters. Past experience never disappears without a trace, and what we have experienced under certain circumstances reminds us of itself again. So the loneliness, pain and resentment experienced in childhood were recalled again when Veronica got married and gave birth to children. It turned out that leaving parental family does not mean the end of the relationship. The pain of loss, of what was not in her life and, probably, will never be again - mother's love - continues to hurt her to this day. Any situation that somehow symbolizes this loss resonates in the wounded heart of the lonely little girl living deep inside Veronica's soul. Veronica, of course, needs help, and I drew her attention to the advisability of psychotherapy.”
Question for a psychologist:
The fact is that I don’t feel or see my mother’s love and understanding for me.
Since I always call her with the hope that I will receive support and understanding from her, good words, but in response I hear only NOT kind words. No matter what happens, no matter what happens, in her opinion I’m always bad. Not once did she stand up for me, for example, during a quarrel or argument with her older sister. My older sister was born in 1984, and I was born in 1991. She is a leader, I always listen to her, but it comes to the limit, she begins to become impudent, I endure it all and remain silent. She always provokes me into conflict, and if I defend myself a little, God forbid, if I defend myself, that’s it, for my mother I’m selfish. Even when I am silent, I endure, they don’t see it and don’t appreciate it, in the end they just bring me to tears, I come into myself, look for support on the outside, since there is no support in the family, I have to look outside, not everyone understands, and Therefore, I turn to a psychologist. It is very difficult to endure and silently listen to their insults addressed to you out of the blue. Also, my sister manipulates all my relatives, turns everyone against me, in the end no one talks to me, if I talk, they begin to put pressure on me, attack me, and insult me. I myself am a group 2 disabled person, and I try not to get nervous so as not to harm myself and my health. Sometimes it seems that it would be better for me to die than to endure all this, but then I think that God loves me, and he tests me through such people, through such a family. But it’s hard, sometimes I want to run away, I don’t see anyone, I don’t answer calls, I leave them all, they don’t need me anyway. Because there are no warm words, attention, support, love from anyone. Many people receive support and love from their mother, from their family, from their relatives, but for me it’s just the opposite, I myself am looking for people who understand me, it’s very difficult. But I still manage to find it, and it becomes a little easier for me. But every time I talk to my mother or my older sister, who has written on her corner since childhood how much she hates me. In front of strangers, he talks to me very nicely, but when alone, he finds any reason to insult me, to completely offend me, to bring me to tears. At the same time, she fasts during the month of Ramadan, and she still behaves this way, it seems that this is with the goal of being invited to visit her, showing more respect, and so on. Although God will judge this, it is still very difficult for me. How to get out of such a morally difficult situation.
Hello, Saltanat!
Family is a wonderful and interesting thing. We are born into it as children and in it we become adults. How does the position of an adult differ from the position of a child? A child needs to receive: food, care, love and care from his parents. Otherwise he simply will not survive.
What is the adult's position? This is the position of giving love, attention, care, and material support.
You are 25 years old, and only you can decide which position to choose. You can continue to feel sorry for yourself (including because of your health), wait and demand care and love, or start giving it to people yourself. I wrote to you directly, without embellishment. Why? Believe me, I know what it means to feel sorry for yourself and make claims to the world (this happened when my father died). This path only leads to the destruction of yourself and your health, and this is too high a price. We are born to be happy, not to be offended.
And if you still decide to choose the position of an adult in the family:) how to start implementing it?
First, start observing. The child is always “in the game”, he is included in the situation and does not see it from the outside. If, for example, a child plays a board game, he wants to win with all his might, and all his emotions are included in the game. How does an adult behave? He watches the game, the child, and wants not so much to win the board game (his own benefit), but to please the child (benefit for another). Do you know what I mean? You are now completely in the game, with all your strength and emotions you want to win (to prove that your sister is wrong, that she is selfish, that her mother is supporting her in vain). You will exit the game. Observe your family members from the outside, like actors on stage. Where they behave selfishly, say within yourself, “It’s a shame they haven’t learned this yet.” Learn from their mistakes and deal with people differently. Watch from the side. Stop playing one show with them, you have your own life and you were born to learn to be happy in this life.
The position of an adult assumes giving and giving. Don’t expect anything from your loved ones, start taking care of yourself, paying attention to them and other people, and supporting them. All people, regardless of their financial situation, are spiritually rich or poor. The poor demand attention, care, love, while the rich give it to others themselves. Start doing creativity (music, painting, dancing, photography, embroidery - whatever interests you) and share this creativity with other people (through social networks or in person, with family and friends, or simply with those who have similar interests).
An adult has decided on his values and faith. If you believe in God, imagine every day that you are his beloved child. Family cannot always give us protection and love, but God can always give them. Curl up in bed in the morning, before you get up, like a child in the mother's belly and think, “I am God's beloved child. I came into this world because God loves me. In this life, he gives me everything I need.” NEEDED FOR DEVELOPMENT." Feel protected and loved and get up filled with this love and share it with people. Learn not to criticize and reproach, but to care, and if you really can’t find someone mutual language- step aside and observe.
Dear grown-up girls, have you ever thought about how you treat your mothers and what words you say to them? Here I am, a mother who loved her daughter immensely, pampered, kissed, took on all the chores and what did I get? Now I also continue to clean, wash, cook, and not only for my adult daughter, who only knows her job, but also for granddaughter. I can’t live without my girls! But it’s all my fault, no matter what happens. I don't hear from my daughter kind words, and only orders. My granddaughter communicates well with me when my mother is not at home. But if my mother is at home, she begins to say bad words to me, push me, hit me (she is still small), apparently to please my mother. My mother, naturally, immediately blames me , which means I myself said and did something wrong to the child. And all this in the presence of a girl! She is raising a chameleon who will adapt to circumstances. It is very sad and difficult to live like this. At the same time, I have heard more than once from my daughter that I am needed until granddaughter is small and then “you will live alone in old age.” And that’s not all I heard... Of course, after this, I’m no longer an angel either, I can say something in response. We tried to sort things out with our daughter once and for all, to leave all the bad things in the past, but, unfortunately, nothing worked out... This is how we live.
My mother is completely inadequate. Sometimes I think that there is something wrong with her head. Sometimes she harasses her simply because she is bored. He has fun humiliating his daughter. God forbid it should come to this with your daughter. She herself is useless and unfulfilled. Even I don’t need her now since I realized that she never loved me.
No. This is impossible to forgive. My awareness of unlove came at the age of 26. Until this year of my life, I forgave her everything. At the age of 26, something happened in my life. And she turned away. The person closest to me turned away from me when I needed help. Then she realized that she was not needed in her life at all. And generally unloved. My brother was always my favorite. I'm 35 years old right now. I'm very angry with her. For all. We live in different cities. I call her to check in once every 2 months. And hearing how much she loves me and misses me very much, that it would be nice to be around (she was there more than once - everything was as usual - humiliation and insults), I just grinned at these words to her. I don’t smile and be glad that she loves me, but I GRIN.
Because now I don't believe it. For me these are empty words. And yes, I need to prove my love with deeds, and not with words about it. I even forbid my husband to simply tell me that he loves me! Like this! Well, are you ready to forgive and believe, through long years after REALIZATION of dislike, into the fact that mommy, it turns out, loved you all her life and did it for your own good?! Hardly.
But what if mom still doesn’t accept it? I’m 43 years old, insults, humiliation, constant insults and complaints, no matter how much money you give, no matter what you do, everything is small and bad. I don’t love you anymore, but I can’t stop communicating I can - mom I’m old and my relationships with everyone are ruined. I call, I go, I apologize, another heavy “slap in the face”, after that I scream at the small child, at my husband, and so on in an endless circle.
there is no need to ask for forgiveness if you are not to blame... asking for forgiveness from a mother who does not love you means giving her a feeling of power over you. Don't apologize without guilt... don't
Complex topic. I know how many unloved daughters there are in the world. Many friends shared with me. I myself am in the same position. The childhood years when there was a father in the family are excluded. Then he left for a younger and more attractive woman. Finally, accusing my mother of cheating. It doesn't matter whether they were or not. But I, the spoiled daughter, had to pay for the insult. If she had not given birth to me, my husband would not have left. She considers herself the best. In her eyes, the culprit of the breakup was me, an eleven-year-old girl. The attitude towards me immediately changed. Constant screams, insults with swear words, everything is wrong - I stand, walk, hold my hands, sit... Every day there is swearing and even beatings. Over time, this attitude changed to a constant demand for money, leveling of my successes and constant slander to others. It was necessary to maintain the image of the “enemy” in the family. Making excuses to everyone is a waste of time.
Despite the difficulties, I think that I have succeeded in life. True, I had to consult a psychologist. I have been caring for my mother for 11 (eleven) years after strokes. I try to forgive, but I can’t. With age, I realized its cruelty. And a person, despite illness and helplessness, does not change. Claims and swearing have not gone away
My mother loved only my brother, and I am the eldest “somehow.” The demand for me was different; I was brought up with a “whip.” Now I am 37. I am a successful, wealthy woman, my brother is a 30-year-old helpless man with an unfulfilled life. I forgave my mother a long time ago. I love her very much and am grateful that I have her - alive and well. But I’m not at all affectionate, I understand this and I can’t change myself, it’s ingrained in me. Dear mothers, love your children, but in moderation.
My mother, too, when I was little, was constantly dissatisfied with me, constantly furious if I did everything the way I wanted... Many years later, I understood why she behaved this way, because as a child she could not even say her opinion, because she always did what her older sisters and brothers told her and she did not dare to disobey.
And as for the fact that this may be reflected in the future, I believe that this depends on the person himself, because everyone builds his own life, he is the master of his life. We must forgive and let go, because it is not for nothing that they say that the grave will correct the hunchback. And most importantly, stop blaming, you need to live in the present.
Now, I have an excellent relationship with my mother. I forgave her because I understood why she had such an attitude towards me.
My mother loved only my older sister. She shut me out and went for a walk with my sister. When I learned to walk, out of thirst I found a can of kerosene and drank it. I always, all my life, wanted her to love me. As a child, I brought her any tasty treat. This is a trauma for life. My sister is selfish, my favorite. The most offensive thing is that I often heard from her that she and her sister crawled under the train, and I stayed on the other side, the train started moving. My mother said that if I climbed after them, it would cut me. She told this laughing. Apparently a guardian angel protected me. When she died, I helped wash her and told her - I FORGIVE YOU.
I support Miroslava - this forever remains: “you don’t deserve it”, “you’re worse than everyone else, other people have children, and why are you like this to me” - and then there are a lot of words, which one, I just don’t want to repeat... And you always prove that you deserve... She I understood old age, but I was almost old by that time, and it’s no longer necessary. It just hurts incessantly. Mommy, where have you been all my life...
Everything is said correctly. Mom's dislike is a curse that haunts you all your life. And it's not about self-realization professional activity, but in search of your love. When, even understanding that love is a given, you still try to earn it. Because you can’t do otherwise, because all your life you’ve been told that they don’t love you for this, that and that. Since childhood, you have been taught to deserve love, and not by someone else, but by that person whose love is a given, a given, and not a merit. Problems in my personal life are a consequence of my mother’s dislike. And this is natural, because if you are not loved by yourself dear person- Mom, who will love you anyway?..
I appeal to the grown-ups, the unloved and unhappy daughters! Or maybe you need to ask yourself a question: “How much am I capable of giving warmth and love to my mother? Am I overstating my demands on her?” After all, she is a simple woman, with her own pros and cons, joys and problems, with a developed or not very developed ability to express her feelings. Who needs this picking in their relationship with their mother? With an emphasis on blaming her and selflessly reveling in the theme: “Does my mother not love me?” Try to build your wonderful relationship with your children. I think that you are confident that you can do this. What do they think about this relationship? Grown-up daughters! Be Wise and truly grown up!
All that can be done is to understand that the way you imagined an ideal family is your personal idealization. Why do you insist on it, especially as an adult?
You have seen cases of such treatment, or drunkenness in the family, or when alone everything for the child, but nothing for anyone else!
Say: “This also happens! And I’m not the only one!” Your idealization (created by you), based on nothing, has collapsed. You see that reality does NOT coincide with your expectations, but you insist on your own. WHY???
They took note that this also happens, and said: “all people are different, I allow them to behave as they consider necessary or correct, depending on their moral principles.”
As long as you rush around like this with your experiences, also building internal dialogues with such people, it will be so.
They behaved this way, and what do you have to do with it?
In any case, you will not solve the problem. However, you can forgive me. How is that? Yes, just recognize the right of others to lead as they want.
We can say that we can set a deadline for correcting the situation. No? So, no. That's it, there's nothing to discuss. You can't change anything else.
Yes, Zoritsa, of course, all people are different and have the right to behave as they see fit. But in in this case We are talking about the behavior of the mother - and yet it is this behavior that shapes the personality of her child. And no matter how much later this grown-up child does auto-training, no matter how much he understands and forgives his mother, no matter how much he cultivates self-confidence - all the same, huge complexes from childhood, only driven deep and far away, will remain for the rest of his life, breaking it . Therefore, of course, it is necessary to “let go” of all past grievances, but at the same time it is necessary to realize that, by and large, nothing can be corrected. Provided you constantly work on yourself, you can only more or less successfully pretend that “everything is fine, beautiful marquise”...
And even as a child, I was able to say to myself: “It’s not me who’s bad, it’s you!...” And I stopped paying attention to criticism from my mother... let him speak! Otherwise I would simply go crazy! She did what she thought was necessary and did it right! Yes, what would happen to me if I listened to all the criticism addressed to me and took it to heart? I’m very grown up now, but even now, every time I meet, my mother will “do” something. And already as an adult I often ask myself the question: “What did I do wrong as a child?” I studied well at school, graduated from college and got a profession, I was always in good standing at work... What's wrong? The mystery of the human soul.
If I hadn’t been paying attention, I wouldn’t have asked myself the question of what was done wrong?.. Usually those for whom everything is software live like that - everything is software. And what did he do wrong there and for whom is it all software. And so you simply ASSURE yourself that everything is fine with you, you don’t feel it, but you assure yourself. Everything was, is and will probably be good for you, why is she still not happy with you and finally won’t love you and won’t rejoice with you in your successes?! Yes, what's wrong? Damn it!
As they say, the grave will straighten the hunchback. For all my actions, I hear only words of condemnation from my mother. And I'm 43 years old. I told her that I would no longer share or tell her anything. Did not help. Therefore, I constantly argue with her, defending my point of view. Tired of it. I just try to communicate with her less often and take care of myself.
My mother never loved me, although I am an only child... unfortunately, I realized it late... at the age of 35... in fact, I understood it a long time ago, I took it for granted at the age of 35... it’s very hard to understand that your mother doesn’t love you ..those who didn’t pass will NOT understand..at the moment I’m 48 and to every phrase my mother will always find a negative answer, including insults, if she doesn’t find other words..besides, she’s jealous of how I live and work so much that I don’t wishes my family prosperity.. she believes that the life I have is better, more beautiful and more worthy.. when I buy food, things or shoes for myself (my husband or daughter), she criticizes everything.. but then I find a sweater or jacket , hanging out of place or trousers with a stain..she always tried to wear my shoes until I stopped buying low-heeled shoes..she can’t wear stilettos..when I cook food, she criticizes how I cook and doesn’t eat.. but at night we caught her eating from the frying pan... it turns my father against me and now he also doesn’t eat the food I cooked... by the way, we live with our parents and my husband realized that my mother didn’t love me before I did... At first he was tactfully silent, and lately he has had to protect me from the attacks of my own mother... how to let this go??? how to forgive this???
“I remember my mother and I went to my former room, where I lived as a teenager,” recalls 32-year-old Lera. “She sat on the bed, cried and couldn’t stop. The death of her mother, my grandmother, seemed to simply crush her - she was inconsolable. But I didn’t understand why she was so upset: our grandmother was a real viper. The relationship with whom, by the way, cost her daughter more than seven years of psychotherapy.
As a result, my mother succeeded in everything: to improve her personal life, create a happy family, and even establish a reasonable relationship with her grandmother. At least that's what I thought. When I asked: “Why are you crying?”, she replied: “Now I will never have a good mother again.” So, despite everything, she continued to hope? During my grandmother’s life, my mother said that she didn’t love her, so it turns out she was lying?”
Relationships with your own mother - at the slightest approach to this topic, Internet forums begin to “storm”. Why? What makes this inner connection of ours so unique that under no circumstances can it truly be broken? Does this mean that we, daughters and sons, are forever doomed to love the one who once gave us life?
"I don't love my mother." Very few people are able to utter such words. This is unbearably painful, and the internal ban on such feelings is too strong. “Outwardly everything is fine with us,” shares 37-year-old Nadezhda. “Let’s put it this way: I try to communicate correctly, not react internally, and not take anything too seriously.” 38-year-old Artem, choosing his words, admits that he maintains a “good” relationship with his mother, “although not particularly close.”
“In our public consciousness, one of the most common myths is about endless, selfless and bright love between mother and child,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - There is competition between brothers and sisters; in the love of a man and a woman there is something that can darken it. And the affection between mother and child is the only feeling that, as they say, does not change over the years. Not in vain folk wisdom says: “No one will love you like your mother.”
The very thought “I have a bad mother” can destroy a person
“The mother remains sacred,” agrees sociologist Christine Castelin-Meunier. - Today, when traditional family units are disintegrating, all sorts of roles - from parental to sexual - are shifting, familiar guidelines are being lost, we are trying to hold on to something stable that has stood the test of time. And therefore the traditional image of the mother becomes more unshakable than ever.” Just doubt about its reliability is already unbearable.
“The very thought “I have a bad mother” can destroy a person,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It is no coincidence that in fairy tales the evil witch is always the stepmother. This shows not only how difficult it is to accept your negative feelings towards your own mother, but also how common such feelings are.”
Our relationship is dual and contradictory. “The degree of closeness that initially exists between mother and child excludes the existence of a comfortable relationship,” clarifies Ekaterina Mikhailova. - First, a complete merger: we were all born to the beat of our mother’s heart. Later, for the baby, she becomes an ideal omnipotent being, capable of satisfying all his needs and wants.
The moment when a child realizes that the mother is imperfect comes as a shock to him. And the less it satisfies the child’s true needs, the harder the blow: sometimes it can give rise to deep resentment, which then develops into hatred.” We are all familiar with the moments of bitter childhood anger - when the mother did not fulfill our desires, greatly disappointed or offended us. Perhaps we can say that they are inevitable.
“Such moments of hostility are part of a child’s development,” explains psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier. - If they are isolated, then everything goes fine. But if hostile feelings torment us for a long time, it becomes an internal problem. More often this happens to children whose mothers are too busy with themselves, are prone to depression, are overly demanding, or, conversely, are always distant.”
It will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to understand our feelings and separate guilt from them
Mother and child seem to merge into one, and the strength of emotions in their relationship is directly proportional to the intensity of this fusion. It is even more difficult for only children or those who grew up in a single-parent family to admit to themselves that they have hostile feelings towards their own mother.
“As far as I can remember, I have always been the main meaning of her life,” says 33-year-old Roman. - This is probably a great happiness, which is not given to everyone, but also a difficult burden. For example, for a long time I was not able to meet anyone or have a personal life. She couldn’t share me with anyone!” Today, his connection with his mother is still very strong: “I don’t want to go far from her, I found myself an apartment very close, two stops away... Although I understand that such a relationship deprives me of real freedom.”
Almost none of the adults and even very unhappy children actually decide to burn all their bridges. They deny that they are angry with their mother, try to understand her, find excuses: she herself had a difficult childhood, a difficult fate, her life did not work out. Everyone tries to behave “as if”... As if everything was fine, and the heart wouldn’t hurt so much.
The main thing is not to talk about it, otherwise an avalanche of pain will sweep away everything and “take it beyond the point of no return,” as Roman figuratively puts it. Adult children maintain this connection at all costs. “I call her out of a sense of duty,” admits 29-year-old Anna. “After all, in her heart she loves me, and I don’t want to upset her.”
Psychoanalysis speaks of the “original debt” and its consequence - that feeling of guilt that for the rest of our lives connects us with the woman to whom we owe our birth. And whatever our feelings, in the very depths of our souls there is still a living hope that someday everything can somehow get better. “In my mind, I understand that you can’t change my mother,” sighs 43-year-old Vera. “And yet I can’t come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever change between us.”
“I lost my first child in childbirth,” recalls 56-year-old Maria. “Then I thought that at least this time my mother would at least show sympathy.” But no, she didn’t think that the death of a child was a sufficient reason for grief: after all, I didn’t even see him! Since then I have literally lost sleep. And this nightmare continued for years - until the day when, in a conversation with a psychotherapist, I suddenly realized that I did not love my mother. And I felt that I had the right to do this.”
It seems to everyone, without exception, that we were not loved as we should have been
We have the right not to experience this love, but we do not dare to use it. “There lives in us a long-standing childhood insatiable longing for to a good parent, thirst for tenderness and unconditional love, says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It seems to all of us, without exception, that we were not loved as we should have been. I don’t think any child had exactly the kind of mother he needed.”
It is even more difficult for those whose relationship with their mother was difficult. “In our understanding of her there is no division between the omnipotent maternal figure, familiar to us from infancy, and real person, continues Ekaterina Mikhailova. “This image does not change over time: it contains both the depth of childhood despair, when the mother is delayed, and we think that she is lost and will not come again, and later ambivalent feelings.”
Only a “good enough” mother helps us move toward adult independence. Such a mother, by satisfying the child’s immediate needs, makes him understand: life is worth living. She, without rushing to fulfill his slightest desire, gives another lesson: in order to live well, you need to gain independence.
In their turn, having entered into motherhood, Vera and Maria did not object to the communication of their mothers with their grandchildren, hoping that their “bad” mothers would at least become “good” grandmothers. Before the birth of her first child, Vera found an amateur film made by her father during her childhood. A laughing young woman with a little girl in her arms looked at her from the screen.
“My heart warmed,” she recalls. - In fact, our relationship deteriorated when I became a teenager, but before that my mother seemed to be happy that I existed in the world. I am sure that I was able to become a good mother to my two sons only thanks to these first years of my life. But when I see how annoyed she is with my children today, everything turns upside down in me - I immediately remember what she has become.”
Maria, like Vera, took her mother as an anti-model for building relationships with her children. And it worked: “One day, at the end of a long telephone conversation, my daughter said to me: “It’s so nice, Mom, to talk to you.” I hung up and burst into tears. I was happy that I was able to build a wonderful relationship with my children, and at the same time I was choked by bitterness: after all, I myself did not have such a thing.”
The initial lack of maternal love in the lives of these women was partially filled by others - those who were able to convey to them the desire to have a child, helped them understand how to raise him, love and accept his love. Thanks to such people, girls with a “disliked” childhood can grow into good mothers.
When a relationship is too painful, the right distance in it becomes vital. And suffering adult children are looking for only one thing - indifference. “But this protection is very fragile: just the slightest step, a gesture on the part of the mother, everything collapses, and the person is wounded again,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. Everyone dreams of finding such spiritual protection... and admits that they cannot find it.
“I tried to completely “disconnect” from her, I moved to another city,” says Anna. “But as soon as I hear her voice on the phone, it’s as if an electric current hits me through and through... No, it’s unlikely, and now I don’t care.” Maria chose a different strategy: “It’s easier for me to maintain some kind of formal connection than to break it completely: I see my mother, but very rarely.” Allowing ourselves not to love the one who raised us, and at the same time not suffering too much, is incredibly difficult. But probably.
“This is hard-won indifference,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It comes if the soul manages to survive that long-standing lack of warmth, love and care, it comes from our pacified hatred. Childhood pain will not go away, but it will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to understand our feelings and separate the guilt from them.” Growing up means freeing yourself from what fetters freedom. But growing up is a very long journey.
Allow yourself not to love your mother... Will this make it easier? No, Ekaterina Mikhailova is sure. This honesty won't make it any easier. But the relationship will definitely get better.
“Changing the style of your relationship with your mother will make it less painful. But just as tango requires a counter-movement between two people, consent to change is required from both the mother and the adult child. The first step is always the child's. Try to break down your conflicting feelings towards your mother into their components. When did these emotions appear - today or in deep childhood? It is possible that some of the claims have already expired.
Having broken off a difficult relationship, mother and child will stop poisoning each other’s lives and waiting for the impossible
Look at your mother from an unexpected angle, imagine how she would have lived if she had not given birth to you. And finally, acknowledge that your mom may also have complicated feelings for you. When starting to build a new relationship, it is important to understand how sad it is: to leave a fatal and unique connection, to die for each other as parent and child.
Having broken off a difficult relationship, mother and child will stop poisoning each other’s lives and expecting the impossible, and will be able to evaluate each other more coldly, soberly. Their interaction will be similar to friendship, cooperation. They will begin to appreciate the time allotted to them more, they will learn to negotiate, joke, and manage their feelings. In a word, they will learn to live... with what is still impossible to overcome.”
Many of them were able to say for the first time: “Mom didn’t love me” by writing a message on the forum. The anonymity of online communication and the support of other visitors helps us emotionally distance ourselves from relationships that can consume our lives. A few quotes from our forum users.
“If she read me a children’s book (which happened rarely), then she replaced the name of the bad character (Tanya the Roarers, Masha the Confused Ones, Dirty Ones, etc.) with mine, and for better understanding she pointed her finger at me. Another memory: we are going to the neighbor girl’s birthday party, her mother has two dolls. “Which one do you like best? This one? Well, that means we’ll give it away!” According to her, this is how she cultivated altruism in me.” (Freken Bock)
“Mom talked endlessly about her misadventures, and her life seemed like a tragedy to me. I don’t know whether unloving mothers have some kind of special filter to filter out everything positive, or whether this is a way of manipulation. But they also see their child extremely negatively: his appearance, character, and intentions. And the very fact of its existence." (Alex)
“I felt better when I was able to admit that my mother didn’t love me as a child. I accepted this as a fact of my biography; it was as if I “allowed” her not to love me. And I “allowed” myself not to love her. And now I don’t feel guilty anymore.” (Ira)
“The lack of love from my mother greatly poisoned the beginning of my motherhood. I understood that I should be tender and affectionate with the child, and I tortured these feelings, while at the same time suffering from the fact that I was a “bad mother”. But he was a burden to me, just as I was a burden to my parents. And then one day (I hope it’s not too late) I realized that love can be trained. Pump up like muscle tissue. Every day, every hour, a little bit. Do not run past when the child is open and waiting for support, affection or just participation. Seize these moments and force yourself to stop and give him what he needs. Through “I don’t want, I can’t, I’m tired.” One small victory, another, a habit appears, then you feel pleasure and joy.” (Wow)
“It’s hard to believe that your mother really behaved THIS way. The memories seem so unreal that it is impossible to stop thinking about it: was it really EXACTLY THIS? (Nik)
“Since I was three years old, I knew that my mother was tired of the noise (that I create) because she had high blood pressure, she doesn’t like children’s games, doesn’t like hugging and saying kind words. I accepted it calmly: well, that’s my character. I loved her just the way she was. If she was annoyed with me, then I would whisper a magic phrase to myself: “Because mom has hypertension.” It even seemed somehow honorable to me that my mother was not like everyone else: she had this mysterious disease with beautiful name. But when I grew up, she explained to me that she was sick because I “ bad daughter" And it psychologically just killed me.” (Madame Kolobok)
“For several years, together with a psychologist, I learned to feel like a woman, to choose clothes not for reasons of “practicality”, “non-marking” (as my mother taught), but according to the principle “I like it.” I learned to listen to myself, understand my desires, talk about my needs... Now I can communicate with my mother as with a friend, a person from a different circle who cannot offend me. Perhaps this can be called a success story. The only thing is that I don’t really want children. Mom said: “Don’t give birth, don’t get married, it’s hard labor.” I turn out to be an obedient daughter. Although now I live with a young man, that means I’ve left myself a loophole.” (Oxo)
Mother. Two syllables, four letters. But there are so many songs, warm words and stories in these letters. How much care or... suffering?
We are accustomed to thinking that motherhood is a kind of image that is inevitably associated with love and tenderness. The very word “mother” in the minds of many has become a kind of metaphor denoting care and affection. As it turns out, not everyone has such associations. You will be surprised, but we are not talking about children from disadvantaged families at all. We are talking about girls who had a completely normal childhood, a full family, and went to a good school. But their childhood is normal from the point of view of satisfying material needs, but not spiritual ones. Now we are talking about those daughters who were never loved by their mothers.
The mother does not love her daughter - such a formulation hurts the ear. This is no accident. It seems that such a situation is unacceptable in the average family. As it turns out, not everything is so simple. Many daughters live in such conditions all their lives, being afraid to say out loud to anyone: “Mom never loved me.” They hide it: in childhood they make up stories, adult life- try to avoid parent theme.
When a mother does not love her daughter, this affects the girl’s entire further development, her formation, her personality, fears and relationships with people.
As a rule, “dislike” is expressed in the mother’s absolute emotional detachment from her child and in regular moral pressure on the child. Sometimes it can even be characterized as emotional abuse of a girl. How do such relationships manifest themselves?
Often mothers are completely indifferent to their children. Yes, they can feed them, give them shelter and education. However, in this case, the connection between the child and the mother that the little girl needs is completely absent (here we mean exactly that model of relationship when the daughter can calmly trust her mother and receive support from her, sincere empathy for children’s or adolescent problems). But, as a rule, from the outside this kind of indifference can be completely invisible.
For example, a mother publicly praises her daughter and brags about her successes, but this praise is ordinary hypocrisy. When the conditional “audience” disappears, the mother not only does not pay any attention to her daughter’s successes, but also constantly lowers her self-esteem when communicating one-on-one. The unloved daughter becomes a victim who, from a very young age, perceives the world through the prism of maternal indifference or maternal cruelty.
Let's look at a very simple and yet real-life example. While one girl brings home a “B” in her diary, a mother can cheer her up, giving her daughter hope that next time the score will definitely be higher. In another family, a similar situation may end in a scandal, like “again I brought home four points, not five!” There are also options when the mother, in principle, is indifferent to how her child studies. Constant negativity, as well as regular indifference, leaves an indelible mark on the future destinies of daughters and their own future families.
“What if my mother doesn’t love me?” is a question that many girls ask themselves too late. Often it comes to their minds already when the period of cohabitation with their parents is far behind them. But it was he who shaped human thinking over many years.
As a result, already adult girls receive a whole bouquet psychological problems, based on previously received emotional trauma.
One day the question arose in my head, “Why doesn’t my mother love me?” develops into the life position “No one loves me at all and has never loved me.”
Is it worth talking about the influence of such a worldview on relationships with the opposite sex and with society as a whole? Mother's love not received in childhood leads unloved daughters to:
It is unlikely that a daughter can find a satisfactory answer to the question of why her mother does not love her. And she looks for him in herself:
Of course, such an approach will only lead to even deeper immersion in problems and a decrease in self-esteem and self-confidence. But even having found the answer, it is difficult to radically change the situation. However, you can look at everything from the outside.
Yes, parents, like the country, are not chosen. And you can’t force love. But you can qualitatively change your own attitude towards everything that happens in the family. If you are the same girl who has experienced all the “delights” of such a relationship for herself, you simply must carefully work through the picture of the world that was created in your mind. It is worth understanding that not all people are friendly to you solely out of self-interest and not everyone should be suspected of insincerity. It is not easy. Some cannot even accept the fact that they are valuable to someone. Perhaps, in order to reassess values, it is worth asking for help - this will certainly help improve your life and attitude towards other people. The main thing to remember is that you yourself will become a mother. And a sincere manifestation of love for your own child is the best thing you can do for him.
Do not try to please your mother, especially if over the years of living with her you have realized that any of your behavior will most likely be perceived with indifference at best, and habitual criticism at worst. Growing up without a mother's love is difficult. But it’s even more difficult to force yourself to change your behavior pattern. Even if your mother never loved you, she deserves respect for your upbringing, but not constant worry. Your task is to set yourself up to overcome ingrained scenarios and increase your own value in your eyes. Many unloved daughters were able to improve their lives as they grew up. And you can if you realize the root cause of your psychological problems. And it lies precisely in your question: “Why doesn’t my mother love me?”
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