How to be happy with yourself
Sometimes, after completing something, we feel not satisfied, but quite the opposite - oppressed and depressed. Sometimes things don't go the way we expect, and there can be many reasons for this. And yet one of the most important - unrealistic expectations.
They can come from anywhere. But most often they come from the outside - from other people, for example. This prevents us from adequately perceiving the results of our activities, and therefore enjoying them. How you can avoid this, read on:
1. Focus on actions, not results.
Focusing only on results is the surest way to get depressed. After all, the results are something that you and I cannot influence in any way.
You need to focus primarily on your actions, because this is something that only you and no one else controls.
Instead of worrying about the results, think about what you did wrong and why the results were not what you imagined. Only this should not be simply self-blame: “If only I had done this…”, but a competent, reasonable analysis.
2. Don't take things too seriously
We often bring ourselves to such a state that all things begin to upset us, we worry that something is not working out, and we become depressed. Treat all your actions, both achievements and failures, lightly, with a bit of humor. This is just a moment in your life, and soon it will disappear into eternity. To escalate the atmosphere means to get bogged down more and more in a negative situation, to cut off your exits. Just be free, imagine these circumstances as a game from which you can always exit; Another way is to find pleasure in what you do. Feel how easy it is to breathe deeply.
3. Don't compare yourself to others
Recent research has shown that most people don't care as much about how much they earn as they do about how much they earn compared to others and how they appear to others. It is in human psychology to compare oneself with others. Matching usually develops in only two scenarios:
Don't compare yourself to others, but learn from them, set your goals and take your actions.
4. Focus on pleasing yourself, not others.
Another major cause of stress is constantly worrying about what others think of us. Trying to meet other people's expectations, we live someone else's life. While ours is irrevocably gone.
Follow your ideals, do only what you want, and it doesn’t matter how others look at it.
5. Cultivate a mentalityabundance
A scarcity mentality is when you believe that opportunities and chances are limited, and someone else's luck is a minus chance for you. The more lucky and successful people around you, the worse you feel. An abundance mentality believes that opportunities are unlimited, resources are inexhaustible, and there is a place for everyone. Then other people's successes will no longer be losses for you.
6. Make failure your friend
Failure is a normal part successful life. In fact, it is a friend of successful people. Does it sound strange?
Firstly, failures do not happen to those who do nothing, namely, to passive, amorphous people. The more you do, the more failures, refusals, breakdowns, emergency situations. And all this is your invaluable experience.
7. Looking back
Moving forward is a good position, but sometimes looking back is also useful. This is an opportunity to evaluate your achievements, realize your successes, and take into account your mistakes. And feel how far you've come.
8. Cultivate enthusiasm
Enthusiasm is the main thing that drives us in life. It can be difficult to maintain it, but the more difficult the task, the more you want to solve it. Catch this passion, don’t let it go, don’t let obstacles extinguish it.
Joy in life
Do you think that for joy you only need serious relationship, vacation at sea and a salary increase? And we know how to become satisfied with life just through willpower.
The bad news: Scientists say our minds are inherently wired for negativity. If you don’t make an effort and don’t try to make him happy, you will face depression and stress. The good news: you can fix everything thanks to the phenomenon of neuropleticity - the ability of the brain to change its structure depending on what we see and feel. This idea was first proposed by Harvard psychologist William James in 1890, but no one took it seriously. We returned to it only in the 60s of the 20th century and found out that our brain constantly creates neural connections using connections - synapses: when we get a positive experience, we destroy old connections and create new ones - which accustom us to a feeling of happiness.
American neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, who studies issues of brain plasticity, believes that you need to think not positively, but realistically. He suggests not setting yourself up for good things to happen to you, but celebrating the positive things that have already happened. American psychologist Martin Seligman, in his book “The Pursuit of Happiness,” offers an excellent method: every day, write down three things that made you feel euphoric. For example: “Today my boss told me that I was doing an excellent job at my responsibilities, and in the evening I finally cleared out the closet and bought myself chocolate ice cream.” If you regularly write down such pleasant little things, you will get used to automatically paying attention to them over time.
In order to be satisfied with life you need to be confident
You, of course, have heard more than once that you shouldn’t dwell on the bad. Because we focus on the negative, we often don’t notice the positive aspects of what happened (and they always exist!). For example, you show off your new dress to your friend.
She says it is very beautiful and suits you. And then he casually remarks: “If only it was a little longer, about four centimeters.” And you get stuck. You forget about nice words and you only think about these ill-fated four centimeters! Rick Hanson says: "Our mind is like a garden, and the soil is fertile for all kinds of weeds. Try to look positive sides in everything." And University of Illinois psychology professor Ed Diener suggests editing your own story: even if the event that worries you happened a long time ago, look at it from a different angle so that the memory no longer smacks of bitterness. And also think about why it happened. Try to imagine how the lessons you learned will help you in the future.
Psychologists believe that the brain needs help to capture a pleasant moment. For example, when you receive a compliment, try to think about it for at least 10 seconds, maintaining a cheerful feeling. This way it will move from short-term memory to long-term memory and strengthen this neural connection.
The more often you are happy, the more your mind gets used to this feeling. Scientists from Kyoto University found out what the brains of happy people look like: using MRI, they came to the conclusion that those who are satisfied with life have an increased amount of gray matter. And researchers from the University of California found that meditation can help double or even triple its volume. In other words, self-knowledge physically makes you happier!
It has long been established that people with profiles on social networks are much more unhappy than their comrades without accounts. All because we constantly compare our lives with the everyday life of our classmate Masha, whose career is going uphill, a handsome husband, two children and also such a desirable pug (Maine Coon raccoon - underline as appropriate). But often we don’t think that all the best is posted on the Internet, and the dirty laundry is left in the hut: long working hours and force majeure on weekends, quarrels with a man, uncontrollable behavior of children and fatigue from cleaning up after the dog, Masha will clearly not show it. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t create an account on Facebook: just be aware that maybe at this moment someone is sitting and jealous of your ideal life. And you have no idea about it!
When you create a new neural circuit due to impressions, the brain needs to consolidate it. And this happens in a dream. Here scientists have not yet discovered anything new: you need to rest for eight hours. You probably know about the benefits of nuts (almonds and walnuts) and dark chocolate for improving cognitive abilities. And here are some more foods for a good mood and mind: pineapple and cheese contain the amino acid tryptophan, which is involved in the production of pleasure hormones - endorphins. Carrots, banana and green vegetables lift your spirits thanks to their rich vitamin composition. Sports, especially dancing, are also very useful: Oxford found that rhythmic body movements to music increase the level of endorphins and even improve memory.
Ironically, I fell in love with my friend's boyfriend. They have only been together for a short time, and thoughts creep into my mind of seducing him. I am a bad man? I don't know what kind of person you are. And why is this important in the context of your feelings? You can feel anything but do nothing wrong. You're obviously not very good friend. And that’s not a fact. Judge not, lest ye be judged - we are not all saints here, after all. Lawless Heart. If you have feelings, you will have to somehow adapt to them, see what happens next in the relationships of your friends. It’s up to you to decide how much you like this guy and what you’re willing to do for the sake of your love. Which, by the way, is not love - and can pass. And friendship is a more eternal concept. Three separate personalities mean a huge variety of options. There is no shame in loving. To love sincerely means to care about the welfare of another. Sometimes, for the sake of love, you have to be able to step back. But the situation is complicated, and relationships in triangles are always torment: hopes, illusions, unfulfilled plans. A difficult path, although not without pleasures and thrills. Only with a happy ending there is tension. It also happens that your neighbor’s grass is always greener.
Or a piece always tastes better. And this is precisely what prevents you from growing your lawn - and enjoying your piece. Then this is a job for a psychoanalyst, since such problems signal an unsuccessful Oedipus complex, a painful relationship with the father.
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Sometimes, after completing something, we feel not satisfied, but quite the opposite - oppressed and depressed. Sometimes things don't go the way we expect, and there can be many reasons for this. And yet one of the most important ones is unrealistic expectations.
They can come from anywhere. But most often they come from the outside - from other people, for example. This prevents us from adequately perceiving the results of our activities, and therefore enjoying them. How you can avoid this, read on:
1. Focus on actions, not results.
Focusing only on results is the surest way to get depressed. After all, the results are something that you and I cannot influence in any way.
You need to focus primarily on your actions, because this is something that only you and no one else controls.
Instead of worrying about the results, think about what you did wrong and why the results were not what you imagined. Only this should not be simply self-blame: “If only I had done this…”, but a competent, reasonable analysis.
2. Don't take things too seriously
We often bring ourselves to such a state that all things begin to upset us, we worry that something is not working out, and we become depressed. Treat all your actions, both achievements and failures, lightly, with a bit of humor. This is just a moment in your life, and soon it will disappear into eternity. To escalate the atmosphere means to get bogged down more and more in a negative situation, to cut off your exits. Just be free, imagine these circumstances as a game from which you can always exit; Another way is to find pleasure in what you do. Feel how easy it is to breathe deeply.
3. Don't compare yourself to others
Recent research has shown that most people don't care as much about how much they earn as they do about how much they earn compared to others and how they appear to others. It is in human psychology to compare oneself with others. Matching usually develops in only two scenarios:
1. You punish yourself for being worse than someone else.
2. You assert yourself at the expense of someone who is worse than you. The danger here is that the fall will be even more painful.
Don't compare yourself to others, but learn from them, set your goals and take your actions.
4. Focus on pleasing yourself, not others.
Another major cause of stress is constantly worrying about what others think of us. Trying to meet other people's expectations, we live someone else's life. While ours is irrevocably gone.
Follow your ideals, do only what you want, and it doesn’t matter how others look at it.
5. Cultivate an abundance mentality
A scarcity mentality is when you believe that opportunities and chances are limited, and someone else's luck is a negative chance for you. The more lucky and successful people around you, the worse you feel. An abundance mentality believes that opportunities are unlimited, resources are inexhaustible, and there is a place for everyone. Then other people's successes will no longer be losses for you.
6. Make failure your friend
Failure is a normal part of a successful life. In fact, it is a friend of successful people. Does it sound strange?
Firstly, failures do not happen to those who do nothing, namely, to passive, amorphous people. The more you do, the more failures, refusals, breakdowns, emergency situations. And all this is your invaluable experience.
7. Looking back
Moving forward is a good position, but sometimes looking back is also useful. This is an opportunity to evaluate your achievements, realize your successes, and take into account your mistakes. And feel how far you've come.
8. Cultivate enthusiasm
Enthusiasm is the main thing that drives us in life. It can be difficult to maintain it, but the more difficult the task, the more you want to solve it. Catch this passion, don’t let it go, don’t let obstacles extinguish it.
Let me ask you a question:
If you had an ideal husband and ideal relationship, would you be completely and unconditionally happy? Think and answer this question honestly. For most of us, the answer would be, “Well, of course yes!” We have been taught that love, relationships and, ultimately, starting a family are the missing pieces in the picture that can make us happy. Actually this is not true.
If you think that as soon as an “ideal” partner appears in your life, you will immediately be happy, then I don’t want to upset you, but this will not happen. Or rather, this will happen if you are already happy before the relationship. Marriage is a magnifying glass. If you are filled with love and happiness, then in marriage you will have ten times more of this, if you accumulate grievances and discontent within yourself, it will only get worse after marriage.
Arguing that I got married unsuccessfully, otherwise everything would have been different for me is very convenient, but pointless.
Just reasoning and hysterics do not change anything in this world. In other words, if you think that the relationship is not working out in the best possible way It is precisely the fault of your husband, and this upsets you - stop cultivating self-pity, and better take care of yourself.
If you want to stop feeling resentment and disappointment in your relationship, you need to reconsider the beliefs that underlie your relationship.
Every time we think that we are not appreciated/loved/praised enough, etc., we mean that if we were loved, appreciated and praised enough, then we would be happy. If you understand that even if you had an “ideal” husband even twenty-five times, he still wouldn’t be able to make you happy, then it’s stupid to blame him for this.
Now I want to ask again the question with which this article began: If you had an ideal relationship and an ideal husband, would you be 100% happy? Now let's take a closer look at this issue. To find out whether a relationship can make us happy, the first thing we have to ask ourselves is “What exactly is making me unhappy and resentful?” The answer is simple. Thoughts. And to be even more precise – unjustified expectations. We thought that my husband would give flowers every day, help cook and look after the child. And he plays games after work and asks for peace. Well, how can you not be offended! And we are offended because we painted one picture in our heads, but in reality everything happens according to a completely different scenario.
The following advice may seem strange, but this is exactly what I do. If you want to maintain a relationship with your loved one, “lower” your expectations for him. Another effective way No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find it to save my nerves and save relationships (except for divorce).
If thoughts are the cause of our suffering, and if we believe that a perfect relationship will make us happy, then why not believe that your loved one has the ability to eliminate all the negativity from your life and make you happy?
Are you building a new relationship, but deep down you feel that you are not worthy of love? Or are you ashamed of some moments in your past? Or maybe you periodically have a feeling of dissatisfaction with your appearance, and as a result - low self-esteem? Sound familiar? I am sure that at least once in our lives, such thoughts have visited each of us.
All these feelings are created by beliefs and ideas about ourselves, cultivated in our beautiful heads for many years, and, as a rule, are deeply rooted. Perhaps you think that as soon as you meet your prince, who will love you once and for all, these feelings will go away. But no matter how much they love us, no matter how many times they prove their love, this is almost always not enough to convince us that we are attractive and worthy of all the best.
Now attention! This is the rule. But there are also exceptions. This exception happened in my life, which I will briefly tell you about.
I grew up in a simple family with below average income, i.e. enough for basic things, but for a fancy telephone and cool clothes No. She graduated from school and entered a university as a paid student. My parents helped as much as they could, so I studied during the year, and worked part-time in the summer to pay for my studies and buy some clothes. And if in terms of academic performance I was in first place in the group, then in terms of showiness and clothing I was “average”. Against the backdrop of my bright friends and their “well-wishing” comments :) this state of affairs gave rise to complexes.
In this situation, 5 years have passed. And now I’m 22 years old, I have a master’s degree in international economics, with honors and low self-esteem. 🙂 And he appears in my life. No, not a prince :), but a guy who turned my self-image upside down and raised my self-esteem without even realizing it.
We lived in different cities. We met during a work conversation on the phone. He liked my voice, he specially came to meet me and fell in love. Then there were daily hour-long phone conversations with compliments, dedication to me of poems of his own composition, unusual romantic mms - in general, everything that warms the soul and thaws the heart. He didn’t have a car; he could take a taxi and come to my city to give me a bouquet of roses and a plush toy.
This platonic love did not develop into anything more. He became the first of my fans - he showed signs of attention, I accepted them. Remorse does not torment. 🙂 I believe that every person has the right to do as he wants (naturally, observing the requirements of the civil and criminal codes). And if people like to give me gifts from the bottom of their hearts, let them give them. I accept them willingly. 🙂
7 years have passed since then. I began to treat myself differently, began to love and appreciate myself. I still take into account the opinions of my loved ones, but I don’t allow myself to be manipulated or offended.
Later, analyzing this situation, I made 2 conclusions:
1) every girl has self-confidence - she just needs favorable conditions to “activate” it.
2) You need to love your other half with all your heart so that she feels it, but you need to show your love in moderation, you need to keep it in good shape. As my grandmother says: “Too much is not healthy.” 🙂
What was this lyrical digression for? So that you also know that wonderful events happen in life. And no matter how hard it was, we always remembered that constant work on oneself brings results.
2) Your husband doesn’t do everything the way you imagine.
Are you in a relationship and think that some aspects of your life are not good enough? And the work could be more interesting, and the apartment is two-level and the salary could be higher. Constant dissatisfaction with what you have (or what your husband brings :)) gives rise to dissatisfaction and anxiety.
I don’t remember who said it, but there is a very wise expression:
“If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it.”
It's hard to do. This is painful and unpleasant to do when in dreams there is a big house with a garden by the river, but in life there is a rented three-room apartment. But this must be done. Men feel everything. Otherwise, dissatisfaction will kill your relationship.
Sincerely yours, Milena Sergeeva
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