The best education is the personal example of an adult. For a boy, ideally, he should be his father and his closest circle - grandfather, brother, teacher, coach...
However, the reality is that a boy in preschool age, when the foundations of his gender-role behavior are being laid, is not surrounded by men at all. Women work almost everywhere in the field of education, the number of single-parent families has increased, and in two-parent families the male father is often present only formally.
Some dads withdraw themselves from the process of raising a boy, considering it a woman’s job, and show lack of initiative, not knowing what to do with the baby. Others themselves are infantile, so they can do little to help in the development of masculine qualities. And it happens that a father would be happy to raise a boy, spend time with his son, teach him something, but his workload does not allow it, because he needs to think about the future of the family.
However, mothers should not be discouraged, even if the responsibility for raising their sons lies with them. You just need to correctly organize the process of raising a boy from the very beginning, following the 8 “golden” rules:
In order for a mother to develop masculine qualities in her son, it is sometimes necessary to raise him in a way that is more convenient, simpler and calmer for her. First of all, you need to make sure that the boy’s upbringing shapes his character. And for this, mother very often has to reconsider her views on life, attitudes, fight her fears, and “break” stereotypes developed over the years.
What picture can be observed more and more often in modern families? Accuracy, caution, and diligence are cultivated in boys. And then the mother reaps the fruits of her and grandmother’s “muslin upbringing”: growing up, the son cannot fight back the offender, overcome difficulties, and does not want to strive for anything. And parents do not understand where this weakness of will in their child came from.
However, it is precisely these qualities that are invested in a boy from early childhood with the words “Don’t run - you’ll fall”, “Don’t climb, it’s dangerous there”, “Don’t do it - you’ll get hurt”, “Don’t touch it, I’ll do it myself” and other “don’t...”. Will such upbringing of a boy develop initiative and responsibility?
Of course, mother and grandmother can be partly understood, especially when the child is the only and long-awaited one. They are afraid that something might happen to the baby. However, these fears also hide selfish considerations. An easy-going child is much more comfortable; you don’t have to adapt to him. It is much easier to feed a two-year-old child yourself than to watch him spread porridge on a plate. It’s faster to dress a four-year-old yourself than to wait while he fiddles with buttons and laces. It’s calmer when your son walks next to you and holds your hand, rather than running around the playground, trying to get lost from sight. Indulging our impulses, we do not think about the consequences.
Raising a boy in this way distorts male nature itself, affecting the mental and physical health of boys. They develop fears, sometimes turning into somatic problems (stuttering, nervous tics, allergies, breathing problems, frequent illnesses), low self-esteem is formed, and problems develop in communicating with other children. Often the opposite situation arises: a boy may begin to “defend” himself from the pressure of parental care with aggressive behavior, thus expressing childish rebellion.
Of course, getting rid of habits is not easy, but you need to understand that a child without the help of his parents will not become the person he would like. To do this, he needs the help of adults and certain conditions. Do not limit the child’s freedom of movement during a walk, do not take him away from small “dangers” (a conflict in the sandbox with a peer, climbing over a low fence, etc.), but help him overcome difficulties, encourage him.
Regardless of whether a boy is being raised by a single mother or he is growing up in a full family, one must try to ensure that the image of a man, which is quite attractive to a boy’s perception, is present in the life of the family.
Until the baby has grown up, he is quite happy that his mother spends most of the time with him, but after 3 years, when the child is separated from his mother both physically and personally, the boy begins to show more and more interest in men: dad, uncle , grandfather. And by the age of 6, it becomes extremely necessary for him to spend time with adult men, imitating them and imitating their behavior. And here the mother should make sure that her son has someone to communicate with.
Joint leisure time with his father helps the boy decide in life, understand who he is. After all, only through communication with the father and other men does the child master the norms of male behavior and form his own opinion. And the sooner dad starts raising his son, the faster he will develop a male stereotype of behavior.
But what to do if dad is not around? In this case, the mother needs to find among relatives or friends a person who could appear in the boy’s life at least from time to time. For example, you can take the baby to grandpa for the weekend and leave them to solder, plan and craft together. And when the baby grows up, you should find him a sports section or club, the leader of which is a man who really loves his job.
In addition, the image of a real man for your boy can be found not only among real people. Imaginary characters are also quite suitable for this purpose. It is enough to find a book hero whom your son would like to emulate, hang a photograph of a brave grandfather on the wall, and talk about your ancestors and their courageous deeds. In other words, it is necessary to create a microclimate for the son that is conducive to his development as a man.
First of all, a boy (as well as a girl) needs love and harmony in the family. A father should not be afraid to show affection to his son. With such things he will not spoil the child, but will form his basic trust in the world and confidence in his loved ones. To love means to be not indifferent to the problems and feelings of a child, to see him as a person. A boy raised sensitively and consistently grows up to be open, calm, confident in his abilities, capable of empathy and expression of emotions.
It is important that there is no prohibition on expressing feelings in the family. Crying is a natural manifestation of stress. So you shouldn’t follow stereotypes and scold the boy for crying. You just need to treat them as a signal that the child is feeling bad, and not suppress his emotions, but teach him to express them, if possible, in a different way.
How to raise a real man? Of course, show by personal example that you should always be responsible for your words. Fathers and mothers must be critical of themselves. If necessary, admit they are wrong and ask for forgiveness from their son, this will only strengthen their authority by showing justice.
Nurture moral qualities in the boy. While still a preschooler, he can understand and do a lot, from helping his mother around the house to respecting older people in transport. This behavior should be presented as the norm. Putting away the dishes, making the bed, giving up your seat for your grandmother on the bus - this is normal for a future man.
In the development of a boy, pay great attention to his independence. Let him sometimes feel his importance and freedom. In the future, this will help him become happy and successful, and realize his potential to the fullest. Boys tend to strive for self-affirmation and leadership. This is very important for their further development. Therefore, we must encourage the son’s desire to make his own choices, think independently, and remind him that he is responsible for his actions.
Children need physical activity for full physical development. While the child is small, you need to walk with him more, let him run, jump, fall, climb, and explore the world under the strict guidance of his parents. Later, you should allocate time in your son’s weekly schedule for a sports section, where he could improve his physical capabilities and feel strong, dexterous, and self-confident.
We agree in advance
Moms should take note of one “secret” in the relationship between father and child. Fathers are often afraid to stay with their baby for a long time because they feel insecure. Therefore, make the leisure time between dad and child as specific as possible.
For example, say: “Tomorrow I’ll be out on business for a couple of hours. Let’s figure out what you could do with your baby.” Or: “On Saturday you will finally be able to build the hut that our boy has long dreamed of.” This way you will give the man a chance to mentally prepare for communicating with a toddler.
P.S. When communicating with a child, mothers and fathers should not be afraid of being funny, awkward or unsuccessful. Children, as you know, forgive their parents everything except falsehood and indifference.
Dmitry Dyuzhev and Vanya (5 years old)
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“The best method of raising a boy is love, I hug my son endlessly and kiss him! My wife and I are raising self-sufficiency in Van; we want him not only to be calm and confident, but also to love people. And, of course, you shouldn’t be overprotective. Let him spoil the carpets if necessary, let him get into the ink, let him try the sand - there’s no need to ban him.”
Alisa Grebenshchikova and Alyosha (5 years old)
“Alyosha grows up in a large family, where everyone has their own role. He sees how women behave, what they do. Our grandmother is responsible for comfort. He plays men's games with his grandfathers. Once my son and I went to the store, and I invited him to choose any toy. Alyosha chose a chainsaw. He was 4 years old. “I will cut wood,” said the son. The fact is that he saw his grandfather doing this at the dacha, who also removes leaves and cleans snow. Alyosha understands that all this is part of a man’s responsibilities.”
Good afternoon, dear readers! I get a lot of questions about raising kids. I constantly emphasize that until the age of 5, a child should encounter prohibitions as rarely as possible. Many are beginning to be indignant, believing that I am introducing complete permissiveness...
I am not at all worried about my youngest son, who will turn two in a few months. I’m not worried that he won’t learn the word “no” before the age of 18, and won’t be able to accept prohibitions until retirement. But I hear how many mothers worry about their children... That’s why I write on this topic again and again. Today we will talk in more detail about boundaries and how to raise a child at 2 years old.
So, a child always has prohibitions and boundaries. And at 2 years, and at a year, and even at several months. Another question is how we define these boundaries. Do we shout threateningly “no” or show prohibitions as gently as possible?
And again I emphasize: everything I will write about here concerns only children under 5 years old. At 5-7 years old there is a significant leap in the child’s development. And after this age, the attitude towards prohibitions should change (on the part of the parents). If parents don’t change anything until their child is 18 years old, and talk to the teenager like a one-year-old toddler... Then big problems really begin. But we are talking specifically about toddlers. It is very important!
How tired I am of responding to indignant comments on my posts that threaten my children with a terrible future because of our “permissiveness”! I’m tired of it, because to almost every post on social networks about my attitude towards the oil spilled by the one-year-old or about harmless pranks, there is someone “not indifferent”. And every time you have to write the same thing. Sometimes I just want to ignore the comment... But then I understand that it is important to repeat it. Repeat many times. So that some of the mothers have old stereotypes destroyed.
So, the good news: your child is not in danger of permissiveness. It is simply impossible to organize it. Impossible. If you are a normal mother, you will not allow your baby to play with fire, climb out of the window, run along the roadway, etc. So your child’s behavior will have some kind of boundaries in any case. And he will begin to master them from birth.
From birth, a child is faced with the fact that life is not always as one would like. Even if you practice, breastfeed at the first squeak and carry your baby around the clock. From the first months, the child is no longer allowed to do anything.
For example, a baby should not roll over at the edge of the sofa. If he turns over like that, he will fall. However, no normal mother would try to convey this to a three-month-old baby.
Imagine a mother waving her finger menacingly in front of such a baby and saying: “Impossible!!” And then, when the child finally fell, she said: “Why don’t you listen?!” How naughty you are! Now you will know! I see that you understand everything! Your eyes are already smart, and you pronounce “aha” perfectly! You understand everything, but you don’t listen! Who will grow out of you?!”
About the same thing happens even when the child turns one year old. I wrote about this in the article “”. This situation continues at 2 years. And even longer. Although at 2-3 years old the baby already reacts to many prohibitions. And it seems that he is already so smart... He reacts to many of your words and prohibitions, but... Not to everything.
Until the age of 5-7 years, the child’s brain is not yet mature enough to adequately perceive prohibitions. This does not mean that until the age of 5 you will not say the word “no” at all. Unfortunately this is not possible. But you need to say this word as rarely as possible.
Our eldest daughter is now almost 4 years old. And she already knows “no” very well. And even - lo and behold! - in most cases she listens well. But even now, at 4 years old, any restrictions are difficult for her. And if I start saying “no” often, whims, hysterics and all the signs of overexcitation begin. This is at 4 years old! What can we say about a two-year-old baby?
In fact, at 1-3 years old, prohibitions are not so scary - the child easily ignores them. At this age, the correct strategy is: “You cannot scold or reprimand your child for not listening.”
Children under 5 years old should not be scolded at all. At this age, the baby will never understand that you “love him very much, but are angry at his bad behavior.” And the only thing you will achieve is that the child will feel bad and unloved.
The parenting strategy is very simple. Extremely simple. If a three-month-old baby is lying near the edge of the sofa, what do you do? That's right, take him and take him to a safe place. And in general, try not to put the baby on the sofa. We react in approximately the same way to the behavior of a 2-3 year old child.
Of course, carrying a two-year-old away from the edge is much more difficult. But the essence remains the same. And gradually, as they grow, the little one learns to perceive these boundaries.
If the baby grabs something forbidden and dangerous, we take it away. If it climbs onto something too high or fragile, we remove it. If he behaves inappropriately, we will take him to another place.
Ideally, distract the little one with something more interesting. This is the best you can do. Does not work? At least just be sorry. Yes, the one-year-old will scream, kick and express his protest in every possible way. But you still calmly and lovingly take him from a dangerous place...
What is important to pay attention to?
The older the child, the more likely he is to respond to your verbal warning. And at 3 years old, many children are ready to obey their parents. No shouting or threats! But... Not always. And this also needs to be understood. When a 3-4 year old child really wants something, he will ignore your requests. And again, your task is not to scold or demand obedience.
How to communicate with a 3-4 year old child if he doesn’t want to go home, wash his hands or take off his boots at home. Here you can already try to come to an agreement. But at 2 years old this still doesn’t make sense.
Therefore, if our youngest son starts pouring water from the bath onto the floor, I just pull him out of the bath. Throwing food out of your plate? I take the plate. Throwing sand at children on the playground? I'm taking him out of the sandbox. All this can be done calmly, without threats. And the boundaries were respected, and the mother remained loving.
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Every child from birth has an individual temperament, which determines the child’s behavior in the early stages of development. It is advisable to begin educational activities from the moment the child realizes his personality. The psychology of raising a 2-3 year old child includes advice that contributes to the versatile and harmonious development of the individual. Based on the behavior of a 2-3 year old child, it is too early to judge what his character will be like as an adult. He is just learning to manage himself, and his parents should help him with this.
Such a phenomenon as the crisis of two years is familiar to many parents of babies. Sometimes a child at this age literally transforms, begins to be stubborn at every step and show disobedience. With childish tenacity, he rejects any demands and, with the help of protest, asserts his “I”.
The psychology of a child at 2 years old, both girls and boys, undergoes significant changes. At this time, the baby begins to realize his individuality, he learns to manage his body and control natural functions. He understands that he is not one with his mother, but represents
To emphasize his independence, the baby resists any requests and in every possible way resists the pressure of his parents. Only by opposing himself to adults does he embark on the path of individualization. Parents simply need to survive this period, since without it further formation is impossible.
Features of the psychological development of a 2-year-old child:
The baby tries to control himself physically and psychologically (sits on the potty on his own, refuses to fulfill requests, runs away from the adult during a walk). At 2 years old, a sense of autonomy appears in the child’s psychology, which needs reinforcement.
Adults need to be patient and flexible. There is no need to try to break the child’s stubbornness, but you also cannot give in endlessly; there is a risk of raising a domestic tyrant. It is better to distract the baby, switch his attention to something interesting and fun. This will help avoid confrontation. It is necessary to praise the child for every achievement, stimulate his creativity and imagination. He must feel that his opinion is respected and that he is taken into account as an adult. But in matters related to the health and safety of the baby, you should be firm. He will quickly learn that in some cases it is useless to persist.
There is no talk at all about the correct behavior of a child until he reaches 3 years old. At this time, his actions are dictated by the characteristics of his temperament. The child may behave unpredictably, changing his preferences many times during the day.
At two years old, a child understands a lot and often speaks well, his vocabulary quickly expands. You need to talk to your baby as often as possible. It has been noticed that children with silent parents master speech much later. Phrases should be concise, but at the same time emotionally charged. You cannot distort words when talking to a child.
Children who have sisters and brothers speak well already at the age of 2 years. They express themselves in simple phrases about what is interesting to the baby. Older children use actions and commands in their games that require execution. This helps develop speech skills. This is not the case in games with peers.
In the games of two-year-old children, an adult or older child should participate, who initiates joint actions (for example, preparing Easter cakes, building a house). This will help kids act collectively, compete and interact through speech.
A manual on child psychology for parents of 2-3 year old children recommends:
Differences in the psychology of a 2–3 year old child, girls:
For girls 2–3 years old, you can purchase sets of dishes, furniture and household appliances so that they can play housewife. They strive to imitate their mothers and love to help with housework. This will help develop their desire to take care of someone and show maternal feelings.
A 2-year-old child does not always know how to speak. This should not be a cause for concern if he understands when he is being addressed, fulfills his parents’ requests, and looks straight into the eyes during communication. He will definitely talk over time. We need to talk to him more, read books, sing songs to him. It is also important for intellectual development to use fine motor skills.
The formation of speech depends partly on the physical development of the baby. In addition to fine motor skills activities, he should be allowed outdoor games (riding a bicycle, climbing on sports equipment, stairs). It is useful to purchase a sorter toy with at least 4 different shapes. During the game, you need to name the geometric shape and feel the boundaries of the contour with your fingers. Place into the appropriate hole.
The boy cannot be limited in pouring water and pouring any objects from one form to another. You just need to first create a platform that is easier to clean. You can make appliques, cut out, sculpt balls and sausages from plasticine, and draw shapes. All these actions are beneficial for the baby's development.
Until the child reaches the age of 2–2.5 years, there is no point in punishing him. He does not yet feel like he is the culprit of the incident. He sees the result of his actions, but does not associate it with himself in any way, and does not realize how it happened. The only thing he will take away from punishment or censure is that he is bad and is not loved.
Until a certain time, we must refrain from angry tirades and detailed explanations of what not to do. The baby still cannot understand them. At this stage, clear and reasonable restrictions and prohibitions are sufficient.
From about 2.5 years old, the child begins to feel himself, and he is already able to understand who is to blame for the incident. He realizes that some actions are good and make loved ones happy, while others are bad. But he is still learning to control himself, and from time to time he will continue to act contrary.
Often at this age, children have imaginary friends to whom they shift responsibility for bad deeds. This allows the child not to feel guilty about the wrongdoing. It is important to understand the motives for his behavior. To do this, you need to discuss the incident with your child and help correct the situation. This must be done in a calm, friendly tone, then he will not be afraid of punishment and will willingly explain what motivated him.
At the age of three, children often behave badly, defining the boundaries of what is permitted and acting to spite their parents. This gives them a sense of adulthood and independence. If you punish for misdeeds, then instead of obedience the baby will show resistance. It is important to be patient at this stage; over time, the relationship with the baby will improve.
Raising boys, one way or another, is still based on the general age characteristics of the child. So let's start by talking about a two-year-old baby.
Why do we start talking about how to raise a boy at 2 years old? Because, despite the obvious differences in the behavior of boys and girls - infants, up to 1.5 years of age there is practically no difference in educational influences. The most important thing that children (both boys and girls) need at this age is to feel the connection and care, tenderness and love of their parents. This means that you need to treat boys the same as girls: kiss and hug them, carry them in your arms, breastfeed them, talk, play. Physical expressions of affection are even more important for boys than for girls; This is the case when “you can’t spoil porridge with butter.”
And it is around the age of 2 years that the child begins to understand that he is either a girl or a boy, and designates himself accordingly: “I (Misha) am a boy!” or “I (Katya) is a girl.”
The first thing in raising a two-year-old boy is more positive communication. “If in the first year or two of her son’s life the mother finds herself in the deepest depression and is closed to communication with the child, an aspect of sadness appears in his mind. If a mother gets angry, hits or offends her son, he begins to doubt that he is loved” (Steve Biddulff). And these are the first signs of a basic distrust of the world.
The second is “how to raise a 2-year-old boy.” Do not hit or punish your child with harshness or indifference. The one who hits shows weakness. Your strength now will turn into your weakness in the future, or the weakness of your child’s character. Strength is brought up in a boy using other methods!
The third point is “how to raise a 2-year-old boy.” By the age of one year the child learns to walk. By the age of 1.5 years, the child becomes physically more resilient. Boys not only improve their walking, but also develop the ability to run, they learn to jump, throw a ball, and their sense of balance improves. Don't stop the boy from developing physically! And allow yourself to get a few bruises and bumps. Otherwise, the child will not understand what pain is and how to endure it. Have pity, but don’t make a tragedy out of it! Come up with some powerful spell! We have this “the bunny has pain, the bear has pain, Dani has no pain” - it still works))
Fourth “how to raise a 2 year old boy”. In relation to work, children of this age have a desire to “help” adults: carry a bag with mom or try to “sweep” the floor, etc. Therefore, promote and encourage this behavior! If you “discourage” yourself now, you won’t be interrogated in the future!
“How to raise a 2-year-old boy”, fifthly. At this age, the first need to formulate rules and prohibitions occurs. Although, according to psychologists, a child begins to understand the word “impossible” from about 3 years of age, it is still necessary to introduce restrictions and punishments (in the sense of not physical, of course). But not as an order, but as a well-founded law: “You can’t take a knife - you’ll cut yourself” instead of “Don’t touch it! Hands off! You’ll cut off another finger!” But constant bans and total control are your personal hell.
The sixth rule “how to raise a 2-year-old boy”- do not patronize the child and do not put pressure on him with your super expectations. “A 2-year-old child doesn’t speak?” - don’t worry, this is not a reason not to sleep at night. Boys start speaking later than girls. The main thing is that the boy has developed cognitive interest and motor activity. “Your boy doesn’t do exercises/doesn’t read/doesn’t draw...like that girl?” - also not a reason for frustration. All children are different, and they develop differently! And with your expectations and subsequent dissatisfaction, you express dislike to the child!
And seventhly, “how to raise a 2-year-old boy”- in Game. Play at this age is in the nature of manipulation with objects. But it is through such play that a child learns about the world around him, objects, people. The game teaches discipline and order (putting away toys), rules (“let’s go for a walk” - that means you need to get ready and get dressed consistently), hygienic and basic work skills (wash your face, sweep the floor), playing with toys (how to handle toys, compare objects) . Parenting through play is also described in our book “ANTINYANYA, or How to raise a happy, healthy and self-confident child, saving time for your personal life and career.”
And finally, you need to address your son in accordance with his gender. It’s better not to use terms of endearment such as “baby”, “bunny”, “honey”, etc. When forming a verbal formula for your attitude towards yourself, it is better to address your son and use the words “son”, “boy”, “my beloved protector”.
For those interested in the problem of “how to raise a boy correctly,” we can recommend the following books:
✔ Igor Semyonovich Kon “The boy is the father of a man”
✔ Ian Grant “My son is growing up! How to raise a real man"
✔ Elium Don, Elium Joan “Raising a Son”
✔ Steve Biddulff "Raising boys... how?"
Let's figure out, together with a psychologist, how to properly raise a boy as a father. What mistakes do dads most often make, and how to avoid them.
Perhaps most men, preparing to become fathers, dream of having a son. They imagine in advance what this boy should be like and how he should then be raised. Meanwhile, according to psychologists, it is these fathers who subsequently do not have good relationships with their sons. And the sons themselves develop a lot of complexes and life does not go well. Let's try to figure out why this happens and how to avoid it.
Of course, presenting strategies and tactics for raising a child is good. But, unfortunately, the talent to raise children correctly is the same gift of nature as the ability to draw, sing, etc. If a person has such a talent, then, when raising a child, he intuitively feels how to do the right thing in this or that situations. But not everyone is endowed with outstanding abilities in the field of pedagogy. And even if a person is confident that he is doing everything right, he can be wrong.
Where does confidence in the correctness of one’s actions come from? Most of us take the behavior of our parents as a model and consider it the norm. The same way we were raised in childhood is how we raise our children. We were beaten, and we are beaten. They frightened us with “horror stories” like the hedgehog grandmother, and we are frightening them. And we don’t particularly worry about the possible consequences of our actions, because we don’t know about them. The consequences of parents' wrong actions can be very serious.
What about those who want to raise their children correctly? Read books on child psychology written by psychologists specifically for parents. Or at least read the article. Then you will at least have an approximate idea of the correct strategy and tactics for raising a child, you will know what parents can do and what they cannot do.
Now it will not be difficult to answer the question: why do fathers, for whom the birth of a son was desired, who already know in advance how they will raise their boy and what he will become in the future, often do not get along with their offspring? It's just that dads are trying to make their child fit their ideal. When this doesn't work out, fathers feel frustrated. And the child feels that he is not accepted and appreciated for who he is. Maybe they don't even like it.
Father and son's dissatisfaction with each other does not contribute to a good relationship between them. Excessive severity and fear of the father can even significantly slow down the development of the child. Therefore, love and accept your offspring for who he is. And it is possible that on this fertile soil you will be able to cultivate in him those masculine qualities that you want to see in your son.
Communicate with your son not as a strict boss, but as an older friend and mentor. You can educate in different ways. You can force people to carry out their orders from a position of strength. But this will give rise to a desire in the child to counteract psychological and physical violence on your part. Do you think that in this case the child will gratefully accept all the good things that you want to teach him? No. At best, he will carry out your orders only formally, rejecting you in his heart.
Do you want to help your child master some skills, get rid of bad habits and develop good ones? Do not force him, but kindly explain why such behavior is disadvantageous and how it can be corrected. Be patient and control yourself. Patience and endurance are one of the main qualities of a good teacher.
Find a common hobby. For example, many boys are interested in cars. But due to their age, they have practically no access to real cars. On this wave, a father can become very close to his son. Even with a small child you can talk about cars. While playing with children's cars, explain the rules of the road. Show tools used to repair real cars. Familiarize your child with their names and purpose. When repairing a real car, show and explain to your son what and how you do. Well, even if he doesn’t understand anything, you will have a pleasant time together. Just conduct your “classes” in a friendly manner, as if by the way. There is no need to pretend to be a strict teacher, for whom it is very important whether the material has been mastered.
Usually teenagers dream of becoming adults as soon as possible. Driving a car is one of those activities that is only available to adults. Your son will be grateful to you if you provide him with help and support in preparing for the driving test. Moreover, you can start preparing in advance, before attending a driving course. For example, help to learn the rules of the road. Show how you can independently eliminate certain malfunctions in the car. All this will soon be useful to your son.
Every father dreams of raising his son to be a real man. He wants the boy to become masculine rather than feminine in the future. What is masculinity? This concept usually includes strength of spirit and body, uncompromisingness and “the ability to stand up for oneself.”
With spirit and body, everything is generally clear: the child needs to be strengthened, developed, loved and tried not to traumatize his psyche. With uncompromisingness and “the ability to stand up for yourself,” everything is not so simple. Uncompromisingness is a quality characteristic of weak and, in this regard, inflexible people. It is much healthier and more profitable to be flexible, that is, to be able to take into account the interests of your opponent without compromising your principles. This skill has no gender, like most human qualities.
When they talk about the ability to stand up for oneself, they mean excitability and aggressiveness. There is an opinion that boys who are constantly offended by their peers do not have enough aggression. In fact, both children who are reputed to be angry and pugnacious, and their regular victims, have increased aggressiveness. It’s just that for “victims” it is, as it were, “inverted” and is expressed by fear, which not only prevents the child from adequately resisting violence, but also provokes an attack by fighters.
These problems, unlike most others, are noticeably more common in boys than in girls. Dealing with them is not easy, but there are ways. First of all, you should not shame a “cowardly” boy and teach him to fight. It will only get worse. In addition, he may begin to offend the weak, which is not good at all.
Take a different route. Firstly, stop putting psychological pressure on him and never hit him. Often the reason for such problems in a child lies precisely in this. Secondly, find an activity that your son is passionate about. It’s good if it’s creativity or sports. Third, spend more time together. Give him a pleasant send-off. Chat about topics that are interesting to your son. Try to do this on a friendly wave. Be interested in what is happening in your son's life. Support his endeavors. Praise for successes and achievements, even small ones. Respect his opinion about certain things. Talk about your son's shortcomings carefully and kindly. Explain why they are not beneficial for any man and how they can be corrected. Help him with this.
Many of us have already heard that children take the behavior of their parents as a model. If an adult teaches one thing in words, but usually acts differently, then the child will take actions, not words, as a model.
This fact deprives us of the main paternal hope that our sons will be better than us. And sometimes it’s just scary to admit the idea that in terms of behavior they will be our copy.
Just imagine that in 20 years there will be an adult man living in your home who is not inclined to clean up the dishes after himself, who leaves puddles and dirty socks on the bathroom floor, and beer bottles on the table by the computer. He will also lie on the sofa in front of the TV, wander around at night in unclear places, forget that he promised to buy food for breakfast, answer our questions evasively and constantly think about women.
Then, at any moment, he will bring to our house some wild girl with piercings, blue hair or something else terrible, who will ignore us and act like a boss, and then turn out to be pregnant. Nightmare! What to do?
No need to panic. Even if the son has already grown up and managed to pick up bad traits and habits, not all is lost. Even a teenager is not yet an adult, but a child. So you still have time to maneuver. Correct your behavior. Set a good example for your son every day. Show both in words and in deeds how things should be done correctly. Explain to your child why the bad habit you want to eradicate is disadvantageous for a man. Suggest ways to solve the problem. Do not forcefully, but kindly help reinforce correct behavior. How to do this in practice is described in the next chapter.
I would like to give an example of how parents can help children get rid of bad habits. Moreover, it is practically painless for both. The story is real. So, once upon a time there lived a boy. For a long time he had the habit of throwing dirty socks all over his room. There were a lot of them accumulated in the room, several pairs each (after all, socks are changed every day). The teenager took them into the basket with dirty laundry solely at the request of adults. It was impossible to teach the child to independently and timely perform this procedure. But a solution was found that solved a long-standing problem in one day.
Firstly, the teenager was explained why this habit was disadvantageous for him: “Guests will come, but you won’t be able to invite them, because there are dirty socks lying around. And it will be like this throughout your life, because the habit has already been established. It is possible that this will spoil your relationships with others, because people do not like or respect slobs (this, by the way, is a fact). Let's try to develop a new habit. This will only take about two to three weeks. And then it will become your natural behavior, it will not require any effort from you, it will be convenient for you to act in a new way.” An amicable agreement between an adult and a child is necessary so that the latter not only openly, but even secretly does not reject the new idea, but, ideally, is interested in the final result.
Secondly, the teenager was given a new rule: when an adult finds dirty socks in his room, the child must wash them by hand (this skill will be useful in the army). The number of pairs the parent finds is the number the boy will have to wash. The teenager was explained that washing socks is not a punishment. Just for the skill (the ability to wash socks) to become firmly established, you need to train from time to time, conduct such unique lessons. Parent: “When will we hold them? Come on then, when I find dirty socks in your room. They will become your teaching aid. Let’s kill two birds with one stone: you’ll learn to put your socks away on time and wash them.” The teenager may not have been thrilled with the new rules, but he didn't particularly mind them.
When it all began, neither the adult nor the child thought that they were setting the rules of the future GAME. From that day on, the parent began to vigilantly hunt for dirty socks (as if they were prey, a trophy) in order to catch the child at a small loss. But he did not succeed for a very long time, because the child successfully coped with his task from the very first day.
From the outside, the hunt looked like this. The parent walked around the room and looked into secluded places, saying under his breath: “Now I’ll look under the table... Yeah, there’s nothing under the table. Well, never mind, I’ll find it anyway... Now I’ll look under the sofa. There’s always something lying around there...” At this time, the child followed the search with bated breath: what if something was really lying around somewhere.
In addition, already during the game we had to determine a place for those socks that the teenager would still need that day. This place became the crossbar under the seat of the chair on which the child usually folds his clothes. Occasionally, a parent was able to find a “current” pair neatly hung there.
At first, in order to remind the child of the new rules and thereby protect him from disappointment due to constant losses, the parent, as if playfully scaring the child, blurted out about plans to go hunting in the very near future: “Now I’ll go look for dirty socks.” Moreover, he did this with the kind of intonation with which they usually say during a game the phrase: “Now I’ll catch you.” After these words, the child quietly disappeared and after a few minutes, as if nothing had happened, returned back. Later, such leaking of information was no longer required. The child himself successfully controlled the “sock cycle in nature.”
If you teach classes on washing socks, still behave in a friendly manner: don’t force, but teach how to do it correctly. Explain to your child the procedure: first wash and rinse from the front and back sides, and then wring out the socks. After this, leave the child alone, do not pester him with advice every second, do not criticize him, silently follow the process. You can nod and hum approvingly, and unobtrusively praise. Remember, your job is to explain how socks are washed, and the child himself should manage the process.
If you notice that the offspring is slacking, you can be in a friendly indignation that he is cheating, skipping some stages (thereby violating the rules of the game). Don't forget, you're both still playing. Treat your child's grumbling during washing calmly and with understanding. Remember, he is already hurt by the loss. And therefore, it is possible that this whole situation irritates the child. Don't anger him even more with your instructions.
You probably already guessed why this case is described in such detail. It's not about socks, of course. The principle itself is important. Children (including teenagers) love to play. Therefore, with the help of the game they can be taught many useful things. Take this idea to heart.
By communicating with your son in a friendly manner, you can teach him literally everything. Even those matters that are traditionally considered women's. It depends on what sauce you serve them with. As the lot of those who were unlucky enough to be born women. Or like the skills of a real man who knows how to do everything and therefore will not disappear anywhere.
The second position is much more profitable. For example, you don’t have to wonder if your student child is starving away from his home if you taught him to cook as a child. It is not necessary to raise a boy to be a future chef, but teaching him how to prepare simple dishes is very desirable. By doing this, you will protect your child not only from hunger, but also from the manipulations of your future wife: “Oh, you, so-and-so, will cook for yourself!” Those men who do not know how to cook, willy-nilly have to make concessions to their wives, because hunger is not the worst way to suppress rebellions.
If possible, teach your son all men's tasks: weighing shelves, assembling furniture, etc. Prepare your child for independent life. If not you, then who will teach him? Otherwise, in the future the simplest things will baffle him. When doing any housework, do not miss the opportunity to teach your son something new. Involve him in your business, do everything together.
The child should be involved in housework regularly. From childhood, he must get used to the fact that household chores are part of life and he cannot live without them. Some parents, having instilled the necessary skills in their child, stop there. They don’t particularly involve their children in housework (“they’ll still have time to work on it when they become adults”). And this does them a disservice. Having stepped into an independent life, the child finds himself alone with household chores, which he previously managed to avoid.
We all know very well that everyday life is not the most pleasant thing. But when a person has gotten used to it since childhood and has already come to terms with the need to do household chores, it does not take much time and effort from him. This has already become part of his natural behavior. But those who have never regularly looked after themselves find themselves in a not very pleasant situation. It turns out that before they didn’t do anything around the house and lived just fine. And now you have to either suffer from hunger and dirt, or do household chores, painfully overcoming internal resistance. Moreover, due to the lack of habit, more time and effort is wasted. But everyday life is every day and more than once, which means your child will experience unpleasant emotions due to the lack of the habit of caring for himself several times a day, and so on every day. Is this the life you wanted for your child?
The most harmful thing a father can do when communicating with his son is to contrast “masculine” and “feminine.” Every man knows how important it is to be able to build relationships with women. But not everyone knows how easy it is to instill in a boy fear of the opposite sex. It is no coincidence that men who love and trust women do not have erection problems. And rightly so. What kind of erection can one have who is afraid of his partner, does not trust her, and is very worried about making a mistake?
Children are not afraid of women and understand them well. Therefore, a father who cannot boast of the same should avoid sharing with his son his thoughts about the fair half of humanity. Otherwise, fear of women will penetrate the child’s consciousness like a computer virus into a network. This fear will deprive the child of the prospect of being happy in his personal life.
It is also worth explaining to your son that, despite the fact that household chores are conventionally divided into men's and women's, responsibilities around the house are distributed fairly. Women are physically weaker than men, so the latter take on more difficult work. By the way, not all men know that women should not lift weights due to their anatomy. This can lead to such unpleasant consequences as prolapse and prolapse of the internal female genital organs. Then the spouses will have problems in their intimate life.
A boy is an initially vulnerable and trusting creature, so try not to lie to him. Do not use phrases like “boys don’t cry”, “a man is not afraid of injections”, “a real man never lies”, etc. Otherwise, you should not be surprised when it turns out that your son does not consider himself a real man. And he doesn’t consider his father either. It is not easy to correct such a situation; it is easier not to fall into it.
To do this, it is worth telling your son on occasion that when a person is in grief, he can cry without losing his dignity. Although, both boys and girls should not be nagging about trifles. Don’t hide from your child that no one likes injections. But the test can be passed with honor, and this will earn the respect of the nurse. Finally, tell him that good people try not to lie unless absolutely necessary. And you included.
Notations are boring. Don't overuse them. Don't over tighten them. After all, you want the child to think about what you told him. But a long lecture will only cause irritation in the offspring. Nobody likes to be told what to do or how to do it. And especially no one likes being scolded or forced.
How then to educate? First, demonstrate the correct behavior yourself. Secondly, explain to the child in a friendly manner why it is beneficial for him specifically. Third, kindly help your son reinforce correct behavior.
If your child seems to agree with you but is still inactive, help him put the idea into practice. Just don't force him. We need to come to an amicable agreement. Remember the sock hunt? Everything can be done amicably. Then upbringing will not be painful either for your son or for you.
And in general, if you manage to become a friend to your child, then this will be your great victory. After all, we perceive the advice of friends in a completely different way: as friendly support, as help in getting out of difficult situations. We take the advice of friends calmly, most often positively. And instructions “from above” very often cause internal protest; you don’t want to listen to them or follow them.
Those who already have children understand well that caring for a child is hard work. 24/7, without weekends or holidays. What helps parents endure all the hardships of raising their offspring with dignity? Of course, love.
Therefore, remember: the most important thing in parenting is LOVE for the child. It is necessary for both newborns and teenagers. Moreover, children have a good sense of who loves them and who is just pretending (they cannot be deceived). It is love that makes a good parent be guided not by his own interests, but by the well-being of the child.
Parents' love is a NECESSARY condition for the full development of a little person. And these are not just nice words, they are a fact.
You can read about the terrible consequences of a lack of parental love in the article.
If you need advice from a psychologist or psychotherapist, then this is the place for you.
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