After marriage, a woman acquires not only a husband, but his entire family in addition. And most importantly - his mother, who most likely will also have to learn to call mom. A clash between two main women in the life of one man - how to make it not too painful?
Even if absolute harmony has been achieved in the relationship between husband and wife, this is still not enough for a complete family idyll. And all because the man in this couple is not an orphan. And in this context, it is often impossible to immediately say unambiguously whether it is fortunate or unfortunately. He is not an orphan, he has the main woman in his life - his mother. More precisely, she has been in charge for thirty years and suddenly she has to not only make room for the throne, but also realize and accept the fact that her boy has already completely grown up.
If her son was not mistaken in his choice, then all the rough edges of communication between two women will soon be a thing of the past. After all, smart daughters-in-law know how to get rid of their mother-in-law’s influence: the best way is to make friends with her. This friendship will become an additional bonding element for a young family. After all, even if conflicts arose between the spouses, it would be she who would come to the rescue and be able to calm her son down.
For the establishment of a good relationship, the first meeting is of no small importance. When meeting someone, it is better to look more modest, but, of course, not like a gray mouse. If the meeting takes place on the territory of the future mother-in-law, then it is absolutely necessary to at least little by little try all the proposed snacks and express restrained pleasure from what was eaten. In conversation, it is better to avoid topics about religion or politics; it is better to ask to see childhood photographs of your future husband, and when viewing them, do not skimp on praise for this charming boy. However, it is important not to overdo it - too rude flattery will only ruin everything.
The next, and perhaps most important point: separate accommodation. This method almost always works, even in particularly advanced cases, because everyone knows the saying “The farther, the dearer.” However, sometimes resettlement is hindered not only by an unfavorable financial situation, but also by a lack of desire on one or both sides. A grandmother may not want to lose close contact with her grandchildren or control over her son's family. A married couple may not want to say goodbye to the comforts of their parents’ living space, as well as the opportunity to shift responsibility to the older generation for under-salted soup or ill-mannered children. But all this is just cowardice, and if the atmosphere in the family is dear, then it would be best to find an opportunity to move away under different roofs.
The third point is, in fact, the birth of those very ill-mannered children. Grandchildren are capable of neutralizing even the most ferocious mother-in-law. After all, this is her own blood, a continuation of her son, which means their mother automatically becomes part of the family.
It is important to understand that even if the relationship with your mother-in-law leaves much to be desired, it is better not to turn your children against her. This is their own grandmother, with whom they may well be able and want to find a common language. And this would be useful not only from the point of view of inheritance prospects.
How to treat your mother-in-law is a personal matter for the daughter-in-law. It is highly undesirable to let your husband in on the details of your relationship with his mother. Especially if the relationship is not very warm. There is no need to complain - she is his mother, even if someone thinks that she is far from ideal.
You should also never interfere in the relationship between a son and his mother. This is their personal territory and let them sort it out themselves, and a wife who treats this with restraint will only earn respect from her husband.
It would also be a mistake to complain to your mother-in-law about your husband. Ultimately, no matter how disingenuous he behaves, he will always remain her son and there is a high probability that in a conflict she will take his side, and the complaining daughter-in-law will be left a fool.
Many older people expect gratitude from the younger generation for what they raised, educated, and so on. If we leave philosophical conversations on the topic that no one essentially owes anyone anything, then one might wonder whether such expectations are not justified? After all, they usually marry someone who cares and is close to them, whom they like and feel good with. And who raised him and made him like this? It was she - the current mother-in-law. Therefore, maybe you should mentally thank her for this and change your attitude towards her?
Elementary signs of attention will help to achieve rapprochement or strengthen it. These can be not only thoughtful and correctly selected gifts for various holiday events. It is also important not to forget to congratulate your mother-in-law on holidays that are significant to her, send her greetings, call her periodically and sincerely (this is important!) inquire about her health and affairs.
With all this, becoming best friends with your mother-in-law is not at all necessary. A respectful attitude will be quite enough. There is no need to fawn on her - she will feel false, which will not benefit the relationship at all. There is no need to be afraid to discover your own opinion, especially when it comes to raising children. Grandmother, of course, can give hints and advice, but responsibility for making decisions should rest solely with the parents.
There is another interesting point. According to psychological research, people subconsciously choose their other half to be similar to their parents. Therefore, there is a high probability that, if you look closely, you will find your mirror image in your mother-in-law. Is there any point in finding out who is more right between very similar people?
Of interest is the fact that, unlike the mother-in-law, the mother-in-law is not such a famous character and the hero of numerous jokes, tales and parables. Is it because when it comes to a clash between two women, no one is laughing?
Many daughters-in-law are concerned about how to put their mother-in-law in her place. But is she a thing or an object to have its place? No, this is a person who is not alien to everything human, and therefore worthy of understanding and forgiveness. After all, only in this way is it possible to achieve peace in the vast majority of cases.
Young women often have to convince themselves that their husband’s mother creates an unfavorable environment in the family. A family psychologist often has to listen to young women with little marital experience or newlyweds who are sure that “the mother-in-law is turning her husband against me.”
The advice of a psychologist should not be general and vague recommendations, because in each specific situation there are certain nuances, and both sides of the conflict can often escalate tension.
The existing relationship in which the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are friends is, in fact, so atypical that it is not worth mentioning in this case. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in a family conflict are two warring parties between whom peace rarely exists.
The best option is armed neutrality. The bone of contention becomes a man who is unable to make the alternative choice offered to him: “either I or your mother,” “either I or this adventuress.”
He needs both a wife and a mother, and a mature man tries to achieve consensus without pitting his beloved women against each other.
An emotionally immature “mama’s boy”, who is in adulthood under the heel of an overbearing mother, will prefer the one who gave birth to him. But if the palm is given to the wife, to the detriment of the husband’s feelings for his mother, one should not delude himself either: this is a henpecked man of a different emotional type, striving to break free from under one dominant and immediately resorting to another.
This is an even more problematic option, because after a while he will calmly leave his wife if he meets another attachment, emotional or physical.
A person who grew up in a normal family always has the need to create his own. It is not surprising that he does not want to lose the family in which he grew up, so it is difficult to expect that a mature man will take the side of one of his women and unconditionally refuse the second.
The husband's mother interferes in the family life of her son because she loves her child and hates the woman who, in her opinion, unjustifiably took him away and undeservedly got him.
She is not obliged to love her rival, who has taken a place in the heart of her boy, which previously belonged only to her.
Internet meme: A son and his wife through the eyes of his mother-in-law(photo from left). Even if she is an intelligent, tactful, well-mannered and delicate woman, she cannot do anything about nature. Maternal jealousy directed against the daughter-in-law leads to this. that she is at war with her rival, complains to her son about her in order to win her back to her side, and naturally experiences hostility.
The problem is that a mother-in-law who is smart, tactful, sensitive and well-mannered is extremely rare.
If you come across one, you need to protect and cherish it. She hides her hostility with all her might, is ashamed of the feelings she experiences and understands their natural nature.
Therefore, she is friends with her son’s chosen one or maintains strong neutrality.
an insidious imitator of neutrality, trying to quarrel between his son and daughter-in-law gradually, acting with ostentatious non-interference, which in fact has an even more destructive effect, being on a hidden level.
The first, from the point of view of a psychologist, is only the spheres of influence on the husband, and the determination of the acceptable boundaries of interference in the affairs of a young family on the part of the parents. The second is to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law, or at least the appearance of one.
The basic strategy in normal family relationships works approximately the same, and contains several points that must be adhered to.
An open war with dragging a common man to either side will not work, because the mother is always alone, and the son has a long history of joint relationships with her.
Therefore, you should delimit spheres of influence, and if the husband does not want to deal with this problem, do it yourself. Talk to your mother-in-law and clearly explain to her the extent to which she is allowed to interfere in your new family.
There is no need to mention that this rule should work on mutual terms, and the wife’s parents should be given the same boundaries.
The rule is that my mother is smart, but yours needs to be discouraged, you need to forget. If conditions of non-interference are imposed on one side, then the second should also be defined within equivalent boundaries.
Talk to your husband and try to explain your feelings to him so that he understands what we are talking about, but do not dump negativity on him. Just talk clearly about your experiences, without trying to denigrate or humiliate his mother. Any type of mother-in-law cannot be weaned off at once and instantly.
You will have to repeatedly defend your right through negotiations and reminders. But this should be done calmly, firmly and correctly, under no circumstances showing the emotions being experienced. This will not bring much benefit, but it will give the mother-in-law pleasure and give a reason to demonstrate ill health, which is often used to cleverly manipulate sons. The main thing is not pressure and not establishing an alternative - me or her.
Constructive dialogue with your husband and parents on both sides will bring much more benefit.
You need to try to do this, and preferably in such a way that your husband understands and feels it. After politely and firmly delineating acceptable spheres of influence, this will require a lot of effort.
Show your respect for her opinion and ask for advice on various occasions. Praise her son and talk about his merits.
Under no circumstances should you speak negatively about your mother-in-law in front of her son or about your son in front of his mother, even if there are specific reasons for dissatisfaction.
It's no use because she will always be on his side. Do not give reasons for complaints and run the household in such a way that there is nothing to complain about (although there will still be a reason).
Don't turn the children against her, because sooner or later they will spill the beans.
In this video, the psychologist will give you some useful tips on how to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law:
Finding a common language with your mother-in-law is very difficult, especially if you have to live with her. If it doesn’t work out at all, then at least maintain the appearance of good neighborly relations, clearly stipulating all the points that may constitute the causes of conflicts, and develop tactics of behavior depending on the type of mother-in-law, which you will have to determine for yourself. What do you think about this?
See your mother-in-law's pain and fear 
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: 7 myths 
If a couple has a harmoniously built relationship with the parents of both spouses, this really greatly ensures the well-being of the relationship within the couple. Today, future spouses pay little attention to what kind of family their life partner has. All traditional chains, traditional relationships in the family, all the logic of building premarital relationships have been forgotten. 
When living with parents, in general, two situations are possible: young spouses live either with the husband's parents or with the wife's parents. Let's go first to the husband's house, because there we meet the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and this is always more interesting. Indeed, this relationship is very complex. Even if it is the most beloved mother-in-law, some kind of friction arises all the time... 
It is necessary initially, when people are already starting some kind of relationship (it doesn’t matter whether it’s a family relationship, whether it’s a relationship with parents or among themselves, or friendly, or any other) to take care of these relationships, because everyone understands that if a cup is broken or, if it even cracks, it can be glued together later, but it will no longer be whole. It will no longer be so stable: it will fall out here, then the crack will appear again, you need to seal it again. Those. We need to maintain this relationship from the beginning... 
There comes a moment in every person's life when he realizes that he is not perfect. Some people understand earlier, some later. I learned that I was a bad wife after 11 years of marriage from my father-in-law. It should be noted that my husband’s family was very different from my parents’ family. Looking at my husband’s parents and their relationship, I often thought why these people still live together. The intolerance towards each other was simply unbearable... 
I would like to reflect on the emotional maturity of women who focus, often excessively (I do not hesitate to use this word), on their own children. It is difficult to clearly establish whether love pushes a woman to do this or selfishness, intoxication with her feelings. Unfortunately, many women do not have emotional maturity, they do not have such wise, foresighted love. They focus not only on their feelings, but also on short-term sensations, which are for them the only explanation for their behavior. 
For a man, women are an important element in building self-esteem. They are like a mirror for him in which he examines his masculinity. And the greatest success, and at the same time an element that increases a man’s dignity, is a woman’s admiration for his position, actions, achievements, in a word - his masculinity. 
The desperate son-in-law threw a wardrobe over the balcony from a high floor only because his mother-in-law bought it, and he did not want to let her furnish his apartment. In no way do I want to condone such behavior. I just want to show that the intervention of parents - even with the best intentions - in arranging the lives of newlyweds can cause all sorts of negative emotions, especially in a young man who wanted to be the master of the house. 
Living with your wife's or husband's parents is always a serious challenge for a young family. Coercion of newlyweds (even in a good way) is an unacceptable interference in their life, in the life of the family, which should be based on independence, self-government and responsibility for one’s own destiny. Coercion is an unacceptable method because, firstly, it is usually ineffective, and secondly, it often causes severe tension in the relationship between the newlyweds and parents... 
Living in a shared apartment with parents is extremely dangerous for young spouses, as it gives rise to the temptation to strive for convenience and “ride” their parents. Without a doubt, this leads to the degradation of the personality of young people who should become mature people. At least to become a great example for your children. It's so easy to let mommy help, since she wants it herself. A harmonious relationship between spouses is an incredibly painstaking work in which both partners take part. But what to do if a “third wheel” - the husband’s mother - constantly gets into the relationship? Many women face the same problem: the husband listens to the advice of his mother-in-law, and she, in turn, constantly manipulates her son, interferes in quarrels and conflicts occurring in the family, and often pits her own child against her daughter-in-law. The problem of how to get rid of your mother-in-law is truly global. Very often, conflicts with the husband’s mother become the cause of discord in relationships and even divorce. Even if you are well acquainted with psychology and apply all existing methods of diplomacy, this does not mean at all that you will be able to influence your own mother-in-law. The fact is that there are types of people who are initially tuned to negativity. Any attempts to establish peaceful relations with such a person will lead to nothing. So how to get along with your mother-in-law or how to get your husband away from your mother-in-law? We invite you to talk about this right now!
When getting married, every girl expects that she and her husband will have a friendly and strong family. Unfortunately, sometimes these dreams remain just dreams. The mother-in-law brings nervousness and serious discord into the relationship. Psychology gives the answer: the fact is that many mothers cannot come to terms with the idea that their beloved boy has grown up and is no longer under parental control and care. The mother continues to control her son’s every step, regularly comes to his house with checks, can call dozens of times a day, and demand a minute-by-minute report. Of course, this will make the wife nervous.
A man’s excessive attachment to his mother also plays a special role in this. You won't be able to get rid of this problem overnight. The fact is that the dependence of these two people on each other has been formed over many years. Maternal overprotection may have many secret intentions and reasons. When deciding how to get your husband away from your mother-in-law, you will have to fight not with the character of this woman, but with those images and attachments that have long entered the subconscious of the husband and his mother. The fact is that if your spouse had a desire to get rid of an overly annoying mother, he would have done it a long time ago. Your main task is to awaken this desire in him.
The situation is aggravated when the couple lives in the mother-in-law's house. One woman will sooner or later have the desire to take the reins. If a daughter-in-law lives on her mother-in-law’s property, she will have a very hard time, especially if this is her husband’s childhood home, where she is a stranger, albeit a loved one. Of course, it is very difficult to find some kind of universal recipe that will make life easier, but there are a number of rules, following which you can solve the problem of how to get your husband away from your mother-in-law forever!
Many women ask the question: “What should I do if my mother-in-law lives with us and turns her husband against me?” Psychologists say: when you are trying to redo everything in your own way in your husband’s mother’s house, first of all try to think about whether you would like such a situation when someone is in charge of your kitchen? The first rule can be deduced: under no circumstances make rationalization proposals for organizing your mother-in-law’s life. You can either remain silent or admire this woman as a hostess. Under no circumstances complain to your husband’s mother about your significant other’s behavior. In her eyes, you should always be happy with your own husband. The fact is that she can listen to you and sympathize with you, but she will always be on the side of her child. Don’t let your mother-in-law drag you into conflicts and showdowns! Remember, in such a dispute the truth is not born; you can only gain a negative attitude towards each other. Please note: this should in no way look like your defeat or weak character! Just try to switch your mother-in-law’s attention to completely unrelated things during arguments.
Of course, one can understand the dissatisfaction and irritation of the daughter-in-law due to the fact that the mother-in-law constantly turns her husband against her. However, it is necessary to refrain from scandals and quarrels, and even more so from ultimatums like “Choose: either me or her.” Do not forget that it will be difficult for your spouse to make a decision, because he literally finds himself between two fires. Do not under any circumstances interfere with his meetings with his mother, by doing so you can only worsen an already difficult situation. In this case, in the eyes of your spouse, his relatives and friends, you will appear as a selfish, insensitive and jealous woman. And believe me, in order to convince everyone around you of this, your mother-in-law will not spare any time or effort.
The most reliable way to get rid of a monster-in-law is to go far away! In the event that after the wedding you intend to live or already live with this woman under the same roof, there will be absolutely no point in further actions. You won’t get your husband away from your mother-in-law, but she may well do something similar. That is why move: no matter where - to the other end of the city, to another region, or even better to the other end of the country. This way you will have to see your mother-in-law much less often. It is the condition of territorial remoteness, according to psychologists, that makes it possible to resolve the issue of how to get a husband away from his mother-in-law. In your soulmate, the shoots of independence and psychological independence from your mother will emerge. All you have to do is direct events in the direction you want.
True, this method may have several disadvantages. For example, if your spouse is completely incapable of making decisions, you will have to guide him, babysit him, and tolerate his whims for an extended period of time. It is you who will have to replace his mother in all areas of life for some time. Psychologists recommend creating your own rules for your husband instead of your mother’s, which were lost. Of course, at first you will have to make decisions alone, giving your husband only instructions. Of course, this is not the best option, but your spouse will be entirely yours.
It is possible that your chosen one has long wanted to escape from his mother, but was worried that he would lose a number of household amenities. Only by getting rid of his mother's yoke will he be able to understand the superiority of independent life. In the event that the annoying mother continues to bother you, and your husband follows her lead, try to put on a performance: provoke a situation where the interests of your significant other and his mother collide, as they say, “head to head.” For example, if your spouse is going to a football match and has already bought tickets, try to negotiate with your mother-in-law about a visit to her on the same day, promise her that your husband and her son will take her to the dacha or to the clinic that day. Is it possible to refuse your own mother? Such a moment, according to psychologists, will allow you to turn the tide of hostilities with your bad mother-in-law in your direction and push her away from your family.
What to do if your mother-in-law interferes with your life? Experts in the field of family relations say: putting your husband before a choice between himself and his own mother is the greatest stupidity. Life between two fires will certainly end in scandals and even depression. You will not be able to separate your husband from his loved one forever, because any child always worries about his parents. Experts recommend setting priorities in bed. Yes, you understood everything correctly: for some time you will have to manipulate your husband through lovemaking. The word “wife” should be associated with passionate nights, and your name should be the key to erotic memories. After this, you will no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to get your husband away from your mother-in-law. Monologues from your husband’s mother with a negative connotation in your direction will fly in one ear and fly out the other!
As long as the presence of your mother-in-law is felt in your life literally at every step, try to talk frankly with your spouse. Explain the current situation to him. This should be done in as calm a tone as possible; the emphasis in such a conversation should be on the fact that he is an adult man. At the same time, it is extremely important not to demonstrate a negative attitude towards his mother. Just gently hint that your mother-in-law is too much in your personal life. The time that your husband spends talking on the phone or visiting her can be made much more interesting and inspiring! Do not swear at your mother-in-law under any circumstances, do not use expressions such as “Your mother is sick of me!” Out of pure principle, your husband can remember how many times his “favorite” mother-in-law annoyed him. This means that the conversation will end with getting personal and a terrible scandal. Instead, clarify that you understand that the mother is worried about her child and wants him to feel good. After this, it is worth bringing up the main argument: explain to your husband that he is an adult and independent man, the head of the family, and should not be allowed to be treated like a helpless baby.
What to do if your mother-in-law is a monster? Is it possible to separate her husband from her? Experts say: her own misdeeds will help you with this! If your relationship with your husband’s mother does not work out, try to make your husband very disappointed in her. The fact is that over many years he had a certain opinion about his mother. If you manage to provoke a sharp deviation from the usual image, it may simply disorient your spouse. He may not accept the new image of his mother and even reject it for a long time.
Women often complain: “My mother-in-law is turning my husband against me.” What to do in such a situation? Reduce contact between your spouse and his mother. You need to find plausible excuses that will allow you to do this. Of course, sometimes this is very difficult, because many mothers-in-law press for pity, saying that this is the fate of all mothers: to raise a child and become unnecessary, some women begin to reproach their son for selfishness and ingratitude. How many times has your husband heard from his mother: “I gave birth to you, raised you, and now your wife comes first!”? Be steadfast. You can refer to your husband’s busyness at work, his sports activities, or something else. But under no circumstances talk about your spouse’s poor health, in this situation you will never get rid of a bad mother-in-law!
The most difficult type of mother-in-law is a powerful woman who is used to absolutely everyone obeying her. Most often, such a lady has only one son; of course, she will even control the process of his breathing! It is incredibly difficult to discourage your chosen one from such a mother-in-law. In addition, she simply will not allow you to establish diplomatic relations with her. She will see you only as a servant for her own son. At the same time, she is firmly convinced that you are not a match for her adored child. What to do if such “Armageddon in a skirt” prevents you from leaving to another continent, or at least to the other end of the city? How to deal with your mother-in-law who sees you as an enemy? Psychologists recommend not to let this situation take its course, because the main goal of a despot mother-in-law is your divorce. The thing is that her beloved son is the basis of her existence; she has absolutely no other goals. That is why psychologists recommend trying to find a new meaning in life for this woman. To do this, you need to thoroughly study the interests of your husband’s mother, her dreams and plans. For example, if all her life she has dreamed of growing crocuses and tulips, but instead works, say, as a primary school teacher, give her a small greenhouse, of course, as an addition to a cozy country house. Believe me, all your expenses will pay off triple! It is extremely important to approach this process creatively and in no case deviate from the intended goal.
Women who find themselves in a difficult situation related to their mother-in-law cannot be envied. Very often they do not have enough strength, imagination, or simply time to understand how to get their husband away from his mother-in-law. In ancient times, it was customary to fight such women with the help of various lapels and conspiracies. Some magical rituals have reached us, after which mother and son cease to be interested in each other. Which ritual to choose? It depends on what kind of relationship there is in your family. The fact is that completely different options are suitable for each case.
For example, a number of conspiracies help to get rid of annoying moralizing, others are aimed at preventing the mother of your other half from interfering in your personal relationships. And sometimes young women want their mother-in-law to completely forget the way to the house. First of all, esotericists recommend performing a ritual that helps improve relationships with your mother-in-law. He stops the swearing and awakens love for his daughter-in-law in the heart of the husband’s mother. In order to perform this ritual, you will need to purchase 7 candles from the temple and bake a cake with your own hands. The best time for this is a full moon or a waxing moon. Around midnight you need to place candles on the floor to create a circle. At exactly 12 o'clock you need to light the candles, place the pie in the middle of the circle and stand in it yourself. After this, you need to read the following text 7 times:
Now I am my own mother, the one who gave birth to my beloved! So that there were no barriers between us, calm reigned and everything went smoothly! I attract the forces of goodness and love to the hearth; an envious enemy will not penetrate there! We must get rid of anger and hatred, and get rid of hostility! I have prepared a delicious pie, when you taste the sweet piece, you will love me and call me your beloved daughter-in-law! From now on and forever you will be like a legitimate mother to me! Candles will help me in the twilight, a love spell, sending it to you! Amen!
These words can be learned, or you can write them by hand on white paper. After this, the candles must burn out completely, the cinders must be wrapped in the paper on which the plot was written, then buried in a place where no one can set foot. And the pie will need to be eaten together with my husband’s mother. In the event that the mother-in-law interferes too actively in family affairs, while exerting a strong influence on her son, a conspiracy will help that will allow her to be driven away from home. The ritual is quite simple; you should choose the time for it when the moon is waning. At sunrise, you need to take a handful of salt in your palms and say the following words:
Salted salt, white salt, bulk salt! Help the servant of God (name) get away from my house, so that she can live her life, do her business, and not be interested in mine or her husband’s and not interfere. Help me get rid of her advice and complaints. Protect from anger and hostility. Make her forget the way to our house and stop coming to us! Amen!
You need to repeat this plot nine times in a row, and then scatter salt at the threshold of your mother-in-law’s house. A month later, you need to perform the ritual again. You will see that your mother-in-law will become less interested in her son’s affairs, will find something exciting to do and will stop interfering endlessly in your life!
The son has long become independent, and his mother is still trying to look after him, calling him, giving advice - alas, the situation is so common that millions of women begin to think about how they can get their mother-in-law away from their husband, so that this woman will finally stop interfering in their lives . Today, a professional psychologist gives advice to women on this topic.
“I’m married, no children. My problem is my relationship with my mother-in-law. The fact is that I am very independent, I achieved everything in life myself, I made all life decisions without the participation of my parents - that’s how I was raised.
The husband was raised differently, all decisions in his family are made by his mother, and both he and his older sister are accustomed to “locating” problems on their mother, who, with tenacity and fighting spirit, rushes into battle and smashes any obstacles in her path, solving any problems with one blow.
And now, when I have my own family, I seem to live independently, separately from my parents and his, I am forced to think about how to get my mother-in-law away from my husband. Out of habit, the husband takes everything “for judgment” to his mother, who, also out of habit, decides with a powerful combat attack.
And all my logical arguments about solving the problem are shattered by her impenetrable “armor” of words: “What are you telling me here, I’ve done this all my life and I’m not going to do it differently.” The relationship with my mother-in-law became unbearable.
The worst thing is that my habit of living independently now interferes with family relationships with my husband. For him, his mother was and remains an indisputable authority, and he motivates everything simply: “She won’t wish me harm - she’s a mother after all!” (some kind of personality cult!)
An attempt to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and explain to her husband that she sees his current life rather one-sidedly, that she cannot take into account all the nuances, since after all this is our family life, not hers, that she can make mistakes and draw the wrong conclusions, no which didn’t lead to. He either consults with her and his decision is completely her decision, or he refuses to do anything at all, relying on me. The result is conflicts. Dina Vitkovskaya."
Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her husband:
Alas, this cannot be explained to my mother-in-law. Because she basically won’t want to and won’t be able to understand this. In her understanding, her son will always be a little boy who needs his mother's care and mother's advice.
Perhaps you married a big child so you could remain independent. Because due to our double morality, we often have two extremes: either a macho man who communicates with his wife according to the principle “shut your mouth, woman, when horsemen are talking,” or a man-child who wants to see his wife as a mommy and only for that reason initially ready to listen to her. Of course, there is a “golden mean”, but it must be sought and even created somewhere. And you may have unconsciously preferred one of the extremes.
But now it should be noted that it will be difficult to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and it is useless to expect such a husband to express his opinion. He simply doesn’t have his own opinion - only his mother’s! In addition, he is completely uncritical of the behavior of his own parent (this condition usually occurs in children from about one to three years old, but in other individuals, as you can see, it sometimes remains for the rest of their lives).
You write that you are trying to teach him. First of all, sorry, it's late. And secondly, as soon as you start teaching and raising him, you immediately cause a natural hostile reaction from your mother-in-law, because you become her rival and competitor - after all, only a mother can raise this child. And you are thus encroaching on her place!
You ask: “How to get your mother-in-law away from her husband and who makes decisions in the family - us or her.” But, excuse me, there is no “we” in your family yet - there is you, your husband and his mother, and your question essentially sounds different - who makes the decisions, you personally or her? That is, you are actually asking your spouse to make a choice between you and your mother. The situation is very dangerous. If only because an infantile boy, being backed up to the wall, will choose his mother only out of a sense of self-defense...
The first option: grab your husband under the arm like a little boy and drag him away from his mother, beyond her reach. That is, in fact, replace the wife’s mother.
The second is divorce.
The third is to become your mother-in-law’s daughter, indulge her in everything and obey her. Then she will stop being afraid of you and begin to love you, but in her own way, just like her son, without giving you any independence.
And the fourth - you mentioned it yourself: learn diplomacy. Don’t shout, excuse me, into trouble, but subtly manipulate the situation.
“I’m 28 years old, my boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me, but that’s not the point. We've been together for a year now. We lived in different cities, and I often stayed with him. As a result, my relationship with his mother did not work out, and, despite his crazy love for me, our relationship changed.
I know he loves me and the fact that he respects his mother is important to me, but I constantly feel her influence on our relationship. If earlier she suggested that he leave with me and rent an apartment, now that I live alone, she is offended that he is almost never at home. His mother is a manipulator, I don’t know how to get my mother-in-law away from her future husband and what to do... Alexandra Galuza.”
Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband:
Alexandra, I’m afraid that in this situation your role is that of a passive observer. Interfering in the relationship between your man and his mother is a thankless task. He is almost 27 years old, he is not married and he has a very affectionate relationship with his mother - this already says a lot.
At the very least, I would have a suspicion that this is not the first time that a mother has interfered in her son’s personal life, since most guys at this age are more likely to be “no longer married” than “not yet married.” Not everything, of course, but...
In general, based on the totality of the “symptoms,” it will be difficult to push the mother-in-law away from her husband, because his mother is a manipulator, an owner, who is burdened by the very thought that her “boy” might love someone more than her. Hence your problems with her.
By definition, she will not be able to treat you well, since for her you are a rival who wants to “steal” her “man” from her. The situation is very similar to the love triangle “wife - husband - mistress”.
But “a wife is not a wall,” and in general, in one man’s life there can be many wives, but there can be only one mother. Actually, it is precisely this logic that such mothers operate with. It is curious that they themselves are very afraid of growing old, they do not want grandchildren who will “make them grandmothers,” and the grandchildren who are born are treated either coolly or as the children of their son, and not the children of their son and daughter-in-law.
In short, the most you can do is not to discourage your mother-in-law from her husband, but to talk to your man, explaining to him your concerns. Calmly (but sadly) tell him everything you feel: that you don’t want to come between him and his mother, but you also don’t want his mother to come between you.
Ask him how he sees your future together. In this situation, this question is quite appropriate. And what happens next depends only on your man, on how much he loves you and wants to be with you. And, of course, it depends on how psychologically mature he is. If he is a “mama’s boy,” run away from him before it’s too late.
I remember one “train conversation”: a neighbor in the compartment complained about her mother-in-law, who almost every day, under various pretexts, dragged her son over after work. Either her shelf fell, or she twisted her ankle, or she needed to buy some medicine that wasn’t sold in her pharmacy, or something else.
And so almost every day. The woman no longer knew how to get her mother-in-law away from her husband. After work, the husband went straight to “mom”, and appeared at home either very late (mom also fed dinner), or even stayed overnight with her. The situation did not change even after the birth of the child. The husband was still a “son” and remained so.
And all the conversations on the topic “you have your own family; Mom is manipulating you” ended in scandals and the words “Mom always told me that you don’t like her.” I hope you don't find yourself in a similar situation! Good luck to you!
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