From the letter:
I loved one man. Long and painful. He didn’t say “yes” or “no”, he didn’t seem to hold on, but he didn’t let go either. Six years - between heaven and earth. Six years - “down the drain.” This man himself disappeared from my life (he left for another country), but I am still with him in my thoughts.
I'm leading , I remember everything that happened between us. And I understand that that all-consuming feeling in my heart is no longer there, that I need to close this door and move on, but I continue to “hold” the man with manic persistence - look for his features in others, fixate on the name (if my new acquaintance is not Alexander , then he has no chance)…
"Let him go!" - speaks best friend, but does not explain how. And how can she explain if she herself is still attached to ex-husband(although he stubbornly denies it)? They divorced three years ago, but Dasha is still interested in his affairs, tries to talk about life, looks at photos of his current passion on social networks, and talks a lot about him at girls’ get-togethers. And I know for sure that he doesn’t like it! After all, she herself fled from him like the plague! And now it won’t let go.
Tell us, women who don’t know how to do this - HOW to let someone go, situation, past?
Margarita
Common situations, you will agree. Almost every one of us at least once in our lives has gone through a breakup and the need to let go of a loved one... This process is quite painful. Why is it so hard for us to let go? To understand this, it is worth understanding: what we are holding on to, what exactly we are tying ourselves to the object of our feelings, what this connection gives us and what prevents us from untangling it.
Why hold on to anything at all? To feel stable when you are not sure of yours.
Have you seen a baby who is about to take his first steps? He already walks well, holding on to his parent’s hand, wall or sofa, but has not yet decided to tear himself away from the support. If at this moment you give him a piece of paper and grab it, he will calmly step on his own (at such a young age, a child is able to focus on only one thing, and in this case- This is the tactile sensation of an object that you can hold on to. The baby is not yet able to see the illusory nature of the circumstances as a whole).
We adults also desperately need a feeling of support. And even if the support turns out to be imaginary (which you don’t want to realize), it will be scary to let go of it.
We are tied to our chosen one by our own expectations, that this particular person will satisfy all our needs, and that it is with him that happiness is possible.
When starting a relationship, we, willingly or unwillingly, draw pictures of a future together. And if the partner suddenly leaves, this supposed future collapses before our eyes, and the certainty that they managed to cling to is again replaced by the unknown - and this is scary.
Escaping from 
anxiety, there is a great temptation (which often happens) to grab onto the last thread - hope, which is then extremely difficult to get rid of. On it you can swing the pendulum of your experiences for a long time and painfully: from fantasies and attempts to return your loved one to disappointment and resentment.
At the same time, deep in the unconscious, closing the ears of sanity, our inner self-centered Child can scream: “I WANT exactly this toy and this candy! I’ve already imagined what I can play with her and how delicious it will be for me!”
When things don't go the way we want, it can be extremely difficult to come to terms, especially in matters to which we have given excessive importance. The response is often an obsessive desire to increase control.
This is the problem with our mind: it tends to perceive events that do not fit into the scenario it has come up with as obstacles. We begin to build new strategic plans, fight and resist, trying to bend reality to our expectations.
As a result, we waste a lot of time and only make the situation worse. Our failure to achieve goals in matters of control is perceived as a personal failure, and this often leads to depression.
Read more about getting out of depression in the article “ How to get out of depression»
People, as a rule, shift responsibility for their shattered expectations onto those in connection with whom they arose. Resentment and/or “righteous” anger will be directed at these same partners. The thirst to enjoy retribution (to wait until he is in the same pain) or the desire to find confirmation that the causes of the problems were not in you, oddly enough, can also chain you to your ex-lover for a long time.
Hence such an attentive and biased look at his new life and relationships. Although it can be difficult to admit such motives even to yourself.
How can we ensure that the connection that was originally intended to support us does not suddenly turn into a noose tightening around the neck of our life with coils of unprocessed emotions? It is definitely worth observing some safety precautions and taking certain steps.
Respectively, how to let someone go, situation, past? – You need to stop fighting the feelings that captivate you. On the contrary, it is better to immerse yourself in them, try to listen and understand what they are telling you, live them completely - live them to the point of emptiness (you yourself will decide what to fill the empty space inside, finding new opportunities for development, self-education and communication).
If strong emotions interfere with work or home activities, you can choose a specific time when you allow yourself to feel “to the fullest.”
Also, as a counterintuitive method, try making this a regular chore. Set a time, for example from 21:00 to 22:00, when you MUST remember the one you decided to let go.
Firstly, the rest of the time you will be free from your obsession, putting aside your thoughts for the treasured hour.
Secondly, you yourself know how our “guts” protest against any “obligation” and strive in every possible way to avoid it... In a word, watch what comes of it. The result may surprise you.
I think you won’t miss the moment of final letting go, like a prisoner taking off his shackles or a balloon flying into the sky. A sigh of relief: there is no more pain, resentment, claims and expectations inside, there is only warmth and gratitude.
Completely ending past relationships, you will be open to meeting another person. Having done this, you will no longer look at your new partner through the prism of previous connections, but will be able to accept him for who he is.
So that in the future you don’t have to wonder: “ How to let someone go?,” it is important to learn all the lessons from past experience and not repeat old mistakes.
“Some people consider persistence and holding on to something to be signs of great strength. However, there are times that require much more will to know when to let go and then do it.”
- Ann Landers
When we let go of something or someone, it doesn't mean we no longer care about them. It just dawns on us that the only thing we can truly control is ourselves, right here, right now. It is a necessary process of adaptation to the ever-changing realities of life - leaving the past behind to make way for the present.
Here are 50 quotes from various articles that will help you let go and start living happily.
1. As we get older and wiser, we begin to understand what we need and what we need to leave behind. Sometimes leaving is a step forward.
2. You will never achieve what you are capable of if you are too attached to things that you need to let go of.
3. Sometimes something appears in our lives that should not linger. Sometimes unwanted changes are necessary changes for our growth.
4. Growth and change can sometimes be painful, but the most painful thing in life is staying out of place.
5. The hardest part of growing up is letting go of what you're used to and moving on with something new.
6. Accept what is, let go of what was, and believe in what can be.
7. Don't be afraid of change. There is a reason for everything. Deal with it. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
9. Never let fear determine your future.
10. Fear is just a figment of your imagination. Sometimes it is difficult to decide to follow your heart, but you will make a huge mistake if you allow false fears to stop you.
11. You can't wait forever for the perfect moment. Sometimes you have to let go of doubt and take risks because life is too short to wonder about what could have been.
12. You are not the same person you were a year ago, last month or last week. You are constantly evolving. Nothing stands still. That is life.
13. One of the most pleasant moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.
14. You should never force things. Do everything that is required of you and let life take its course. If something is supposed to happen, it will happen. Don't tie yourself to something you can't control.
15. When you stop expecting people and events to be perfect, you can begin to appreciate them for who they are.
16. Live simply. Love with all your soul. Speak sincerely. Breathe deeply. Try your best. Leave everything else for something that is higher than us.
17. Surrender and letting go are two completely different things.
19. Giving up does not always mean showing weakness. Sometimes it just means that you are strong and smart enough to let go and move forward.
20. Stop focusing on your stress level and remember how lucky you are. Things could have been much worse.
21. Whatever upsets you, let it go! There is no need to accumulate negativity. Stay calm and have a positive outlook on life. Something good will definitely happen to you.
22. Some people cannot accept the fact that you are moving forward in life, and therefore they will try to cling to your common past. Don't condone their behavior. Keep moving forward.
23. No matter what you do, someone will always be unhappy. So live by your principles and make sure that you yourself do not end up disappointed.
24. Love yourself! Forgive yourself! Accept yourself! You are you, this is the beginning and the end - and no regrets.
25. You are good enough, smart enough and strong enough. You don't need anyone else's approval to know that you are valuable.
26. One of the most liberating things life teaches us is that we don’t have to love everyone, everyone doesn’t have to love us, and that’s absolutely okay.
27. Try not to take too seriously what other people say about you. What they think and say is a reflection of themselves, not you.
28. If you worry too much about what other people think of you, in some way, you will always be their prisoner.
29. Sometimes we expect more from others because we ourselves would do the same for them. Keep loving. Eventually you will find out who is worthy.
30. Not everyone is able to appreciate what you do for them. You must understand who is truly worthy of your attention and who is just trying to take advantage of you.
31. To say “yes” to happiness, you must learn to say “no” to people and things that cause you pain. Be wise to avoid negativity.
32. If you allow something, it will continue. It's better to be alone than to be alone negative people and their judgments influence your life.
33. If you feel like your ship is going down, perhaps it's time to throw away everything that weighs you down. Let go of the people who bring you down and surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you.
34. Just because someone has been a part of your life for many years does not guarantee that one day the moment will not come when you finally decide to let them go.
35. One of the most difficult tasks in life is to cut someone out of your heart.
36. You must understand that people come and go. That is life. Stop holding on to those who let you go a long time ago.
37. Sometimes we forgive others not because they deserve it. We forgive them because they need it, because we ourselves need it, and because without it we cannot let go and move on.
38. The one who asks for forgiveness first is the bravest. The one who forgives first is the strongest. The happiest one moves forward first.
39. Don't be sad about the past, it won't come back. Don't worry about the future, it hasn't come yet. Try to live in the present and make it beautiful.
40. Be wise enough to let go when necessary and strong enough to hold on when required.
41. Don't let minor troubles overshadow your happiness. True wealth is the ability to feel and appreciate every moment for what it brings.
42. Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself. Learn to accept and forgive. By letting go of yesterday's troubles, you take the first step towards happiness today.
43. Worry casts a big shadow over small matters. In the end, you can focus either on what is tearing you apart, or on something that helps you pull yourself together.
44. Old concerns - down payments on problems you may never have to deal with. Let them go. Today is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again.
45. Smile even when everything seems to be falling apart. Smiling doesn't always mean you're happy. Sometimes it just means that you are strong.
46. There comes a time when you stop thinking about your mistakes and move on. No regrets - only life lessons that show you the way.
47. Remember the good times, be strong in difficult times, love every moment, laugh more often, live honestly and be grateful for every new day
48. You can't let one bad thing ruin a bunch of good times. Don't let silly daily dramas get you down.
49. If you are diligent and patient, everything you really need in life will come to you at the right time.
50. In the end, everything will fall into place. Until then, learn everything you can, laugh as much as you can, enjoy every moment and remember that it is worth it.
Copyright site © - Lea A.N.A.
And for girls, to forget themselves they may be suitable
Every time you wake up in the morning, you new person. What filled you yesterday and made you who you are may no longer fill you today. Although it may be hard to believe, letting someone go may be in the best interest of today's you. It's possible that the person you loved has died, you've just broken up with a loved one, you need to get over an unrequited love, or you have nothing left in common with a friend. Letting go of someone can be the next step to happiness, and that's what really matters. Let's start.
Give free rein to your feelings. First of all, it is good to grieve. Emotions- a good thing. Crying is normal and healthy. It's good to be angry. Whatever you feel, these emotions are normal and need to be released. Once the period of letting out your feelings and emotions passes, the healing process will begin. There is a certain clear process of letting go of a person and a process of spilling out feelings, when people can do strange things, such as dyeing their hair in unusual colors, eating up their grief with tons of ice cream, and so on. Let it be.
Don't embellish the past. You may begin to replay and relive the good moments you had. In bed, they will play in your brain like a broken record. But if the person came back to you, after 10 minutes you would think, “That’s right. That’s why we didn’t succeed.” It's just that when you experience such strong emotions, it is difficult to remember all the bad things you had. Remember that if you start thinking all the time about the good moments that happened between you, you will not see the situation for what it really is.
Move away from the person as much as possible. Letting go is essentially a euphemism for forgetting. When you just don't care about a person. This may sound a little harsh, so another, softer word was coined. In general, distancing yourself from a person is the only way to quickly forget him. Remember when you found a long-lost and forgotten shirt in your closet and said to yourself, “Oh my God!” I loved this shirt so much! How could I forget that I even had it?” Yeah. Out of sight, out of mind.
Don't relegate yourself to the background. After you've been angry and sad and made a deal with the devil that you'll never be together with that dumbass again, there will come a few days or weeks that will seem like an eternity when you'll wonder how it happened and you'll be seem like you're walking in a fog. You will want to distance yourself from everything, but you cannot afford to. You can not. For your own sake, for your better future, you must move forward.
Don't blame the whole world. Soon you will feel better and the “me, me, me” phase will be replaced by the “me, you, me, you” phase and you don’t need to be angry at everyone in the world. Just because you're jaded and cynical doesn't mean you're gaining experience. It's more like giving up positions. Try to notice the good in people. It really is, you just need to look more closely.
Don't let yourself get bogged down in negative thoughts. The beauty is that your brain is part of you and you can control your thought process. If you start thinking negative thoughts, you can stop those thoughts. Once bad thoughts start, you can remove them. Sometimes it's not that easy to do, but it's possible.
Reach out to friends for support. Your support group is very important to you in this situation. They will help you get distracted and overcome problems. Don’t be afraid to ask them for help, they probably also had similar situations!
Find yourself and love yourself. The reality is that you're probably awesome and what happened was just a little misunderstanding. It is possible that you have been in a similar situation before and overcame it, why can’t you do it now? If you were able to overcome it once, you will be able to overcome it the second time too. You are strong. You just forgot about it. Keep living and you will overcome everything.
Re-evaluate the subject of your desire. This person has never valued you and doesn't deserve you to waste your time on them. This is not about the fact that he may not deserve you to spend time on him, this is not even discussed. Take it for granted, no “and if”, “but” and “still”. Doesn't deserve it, period. You deserve to have someone who wants you, who values you, and who wants to be an active part of your life. Those who don't want to can get lost.
Think about your happiness. It doesn’t matter whether you fell in love with a married man or it’s just a very strong passion, think about whether you were as happy with this person as you could be? Most likely no. Most likely, you simply longed for the relationship that you had pictured in your head. How much was real in this relationship and how much was fictitious, fantasized, planned?
Don't live with expectations. Life is too short not to live in the moment. The person you are unrequitedly in love with is enjoying life, why can’t you cut him out of your life and do the same? It will be fair. This doesn't mean you need to start a new relationship quickly. This means that you need to communicate with people and do everything in your power to enjoy life.
Keep him at a distance. Now that you've decided to keep your mental distance, you need to keep your physical distance too. The only way stop internal torment - keep him at a distance from you. If it's possible to do it (for example, if he is not your work colleague), do it. The process of weaning off the person will go much, much faster.
Be direct. If you see a person, he will ask you questions. There’s no need to invent reasons why you’re avoiding him; everything will be a mess anyway. It is best to tell the truth, but very diplomatically.
Don't blame yourself. This is not your failure. That's life. This happens to everyone and guess what? You will learn from this. You survived a previous breakup and will survive this one too. You didn't do anything wrong. What you did seemed right to you before. That's all you can do.
Focus on yourself. The time has come for you. This is important not only for you, but also for your future relationships. No one succeeds without realizing who they really are. This does not mean that they are selfish; it means you are logical.
Learn not to regret things. When a loved one dies, we are suddenly filled with remorse for what we should have done and didn't, should have said but didn't, or said but shouldn't have said. This can no longer be returned or remade, and these remorse only lead to even greater suffering. Wouldn't the person who left want you to be happy?
Allow yourself to grieve. The five stages of grief from losing a loved one include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, you need to understand that everyone experiences grief differently. And yet you need to experience this process, perhaps by hugging your favorite teddy bear and pouring tears on it, huddling in a corner or running until you lose consciousness. It will get better eventually.
Don't grieve alone. At this moment, you and your loved ones must unite. Sometimes, when you experience grief not alone, but together with loved ones, grief is felt less acutely. United efforts will help speed up the healing process.
Rediscover yourself. At some point in the past, when you existed without this relationship, you were a different person. And this man still exists. You just need to find it again. You can revive it if you put in the effort.
Look to the future. The only reason it seems gloomy to you is because you are wearing dark glasses. The future holds as much hope as there was 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years ago. It all depends on what you do with your future. Instead of dwelling on the past, think about the future. What will it bring?
Write a formal breakup letter. Write in it everything that was never said. Make the letter positive by focusing on all the good things that happened and the joy he brought into your life.
Remember that there will come a time when you let the person go. It will come. Not “maybe”, not “maybe”. It will come. You must know and be firmly convinced that this will be the case. For some it will take longer, but it will happen eventually. For now...relax. Let time do its work. Time will heal all wounds.
Be as positive about it as possible.“There are no bad and good things, our thoughts make them so.” The friendships you're about to walk away from aren't necessarily bad ones. Your refusal simply shows your maturity and seriousness. This suggests that you have found your path in life and this road will not intersect with your friend’s path. That's all. This does not mean that you are betraying your friend or that you are not willing to compromise. You do what you have to do.
The same goes for your friend. If he wants to talk about it, tell him so. You both need to not see each other for a while to understand how you feel without each other. To understand what the picture is, you need to step away from it a little. If a few weeks pass and you feel like you want to see him and your friend feels the same, take your time. Sometimes people learn from mistakes. Know what you want to look for in future friendships.
This may require you to do a little introspection. What did you like about your friend that kept you together? What do you need that you didn't get in this friendship? What three qualities should your friend have? Focus on what needs to change.
The article is devoted to a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence. The idea is that emotional dependence is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject’s personality “invested” in the object of dependence. These feelings or parts of the personality can be restored using emotional imagery therapy, which leads to immediate and complete freedom from addiction.
Examples of specific correctional work with various cases of emotional dependence using the specified method are given. The possibilities of expanding the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.
Emotional dependence is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.
Moreover, the subject of this dependence:
1. Experiences suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to the inadequate power of the object over him;
2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;
3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic negative impact on the subject’s life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior.
There are quite a lot of options for emotional addictions. It could be love addiction from a specific person with whom the relationship has ceased or, on the contrary, cannot be terminated.
Perhaps this is a dependence on the very feeling of love (erotomania), so that the object of the feeling is not unique. This may be an addiction based on a sense of duty, when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will “disappear” without her, and she will feel guilty.
This may be an addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment, when the connection does not stop because these feelings do not find their resolution.
This may be dependence on the mother (or another person) with whom an emotional merger (confluence) occurred. In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.
This may be a dependence based on a feeling of one’s own helplessness, when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that psychologically she is still in the womb and is afraid to face the real world.
This may be an emotional dependence on a person who has already died, to whom the subject was unable to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on the terrible or, conversely, wonderful past in which the subject still lives. It may be a dependence on the future in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc.
The subject may long years suffer from a feeling that makes him dependent, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigning himself to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it. Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from a state of dependence to a state of independence, and in the future, if he wants, to a state of interdependence.
The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature. One might think that now both individuals will become slaves to each other. But what is meant is that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining feeling of coercion and limitation of possibilities.
Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person. It would be good, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup a young man could say in the words of a cheerful song: “If the bride leaves for someone else, then it is not known who is lucky.”
Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: “So don’t let anyone get you!” or “Did you pray before going to bed, Desdemona?” or with a depressive meaning: “My life is over.” Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a heart wound, and this is a big and hard work. But…
Using the EOT method, we were able to find some fast and effective ways solving a number of the problems listed above, achieving a state of independence by the individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence. I'll start with an example.
Example 1. "Blue Ball".
At a seminar that I conducted at one institute for third-year students, a student invited me to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now.
Every day she only thought about “him,” she lived purely mechanically, nothing really interested her, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.
To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was on the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing. She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest.
Further, following the basic scheme of therapy, I invited her to imagine an image of this feeling in the same chair where the young man had previously “sat”. She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which certainly belonged to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw away this ball, but she could not do this, because, according to her, then it was as if she had died.
Already at this stage the structure of the impasse in which she found herself became apparent. She clearly wanted to repress her feelings, because of which she suffered, but at the same time she did not want to lose them.
Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, so she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else. The same projection created a powerful attraction to find that blue ball again.
Then I suggested that she try both options in turn to get out of the impasse:
1. Throw the ball away completely;
2. Accept it as part of your personality.
After this, it was possible to make sure which action would be most suitable for her. However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options.
In order to shake up this rigid system, I invited group members to participate in this process. Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw out or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.
Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied a Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out to the sides, and everyone else to pull her in the direction of the decision they had made and persuade her to do just that.
The fight broke out seriously, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it. But the main action happened very quickly, the girl literally screamed: “I won’t give it up for anything!” - and rushed towards the group of women, although the men held her very tightly.
Since the decision had been made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she was feeling. With surprise, she admitted that she felt very good, and the ball was now in her heart.
I invited her to sit down and again imagine that young man in front of her.
- How do you feel now?
“It’s strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I don’t suffer.”
-Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?
- Yes, now I can. (Referring to the image of a young man). I let you go and wish you happiness regardless of me.
She saw the image of the young man move away and melt away, and this made her feel even better.
Now I offered her my interpretation: “The blue ball is your heart. It was given to the young man.” I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, which is why she was in apathy.
Now that her heart is in the right place, she can not suffer and let this person go, while at the same time maintaining warm feelings for him. This is how Pushkin said goodbye to his beloved in his famous poem: “I loved you, love is still possible.”
After this explanation, another girl said:
- I understood. I had the same thing for eight years. I psychologically held him all the time, tormented myself, tormented others, I could not truly live and love. Now I want to finish this.
In a fit of emotion, she jumped onto a chair and loudly announced that from now on he was free and could live as he wanted, and she was free too.
The seminar ended with a general discussion.
A week later I met the first girl again at the seminar, her face was glowing, she said:
- Thank you very much. For the first time I lived a week happily.
I watched her for the rest of the semester, everything was fine. At the last lesson, she said that she was no longer suffering, but she still had happy memories of that love.
A comment. Later I realized that this is how almost all situations with emotional dependence work. We are always talking about the fact that along with the loss of a beloved object, the investments that he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional “dividends” are “torn away” from a person. He feels loss, part of his soul is lost. He cannot create new relationships because he has nothing left to invest.
But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued. If another person reciprocates the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional connection is established between them, ensuring good foundation to start a family. When both parties to the process make mutual investments, this ensures their happiness, they have not only their favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.
Moreover, with them are the investments that the “opposite side” made in them. Everyone is pleased to know that they are dear to their loved one, that they are trying for you.
This idea became the basis for a whole series of successful works on overcoming emotional dependence. Of course, it cannot be said that the heart of one individual actually moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it. But it’s not for nothing that lovers so often say that they gave their hearts to the one they love.
As the poets write: “My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below...” In subjective reality, something is possible that does not happen objectively, however, it has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual.
If a subject has implemented in his subjective world (the term “projection” is also suitable) some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence. He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of his personality are firmly attached to another.
Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to an object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for that individual, this was called cathexis.
In his famous work Melancholia, Freud says that the work of grief is that libido is gradually withdrawn from a loved but lost object.
But he did not indicate that this fixation of libido has the meaning of investment in the future. And this is very important! Essentially this is a new theory of love. Fixation does not occur because the object is simply liked; the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But no decisive choice occurs, the subject does not “bet” on this particular person.
If he makes a “bet,” this means that he firmly ties his fate, his happiness, his future with this person. He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams into the future, hoping for a long life. life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, giving birth and raising children, joint interesting life, public approval, etc.
No wonder lovers ask each other: “Do you love me?”, “Will you stop loving me?” and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are “profitable” and reliable, and that they will also invest in them. Moreover, I became convinced in therapeutic practice that investments control sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear and attraction disappears.
Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers."
A young man turned to me. “I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. I was depressed for two years, abandoned my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything.
Then I got over it, I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife as much as I did my first, I always see myself as the first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help it.”
– This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't let her go yet.
- No, I’ve already suffered my share. I've already experienced everything in two years.
– And we can easily check this.
- How is this possible?
– But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?
- Never mind. I don't care.
– Then you can easily tell her: “Goodbye, I wish you happiness in your personal life!
- No, for some reason I can’t say these words.
– Well, this means that you are dependent.
I explained to him the theory of investments and asked him to find an image of the feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
– Are these really your flowers?
- Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave to her.
– Take them and let them enter your body wherever they want.
“This bouquet entered my chest, it made me feel so good.” The energy has returned. Somehow it’s easier to breathe, and your hands rise on their own. I couldn't raise my arms after she left.
– Now look at this woman again (pointing to the chair).
– It’s strange, now it’s just a woman, of which there are millions.
– Can you now tell her: “Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life.”
- Yes, now it’s easy.
“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.”
– I speak and see how her image moves away and decreases. It completely disappeared, and it got even better.
– Now look at the second wife.
- Yes, now it’s a different matter.
“You can give her the bouquet then.” However, as you wish.
- No, why...
He was clearly in a hurry, and after a short goodbye he went home.
The return of invested “capitals” back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of the relationship has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other famous psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the subject’s lost feelings or parts of the personality, otherwise everyone would have known about it long ago.
It is completely understandable why such methods were not created. Only the technology of emotional-imaginative therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return lost resources. It is almost impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.
Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that the method in which feelings can be moved as an object, identified with them, accepted into one’s body or released, contradicts their traditional ideas. Let us explain with another example how this idea works within the framework of EOT.
Example 3. Golden lump.
A young man came to me to clarify his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into a sexual relationship and were happy with each other. But the years passed, and it would have been time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family.
Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with her former lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspirations remained money and career.
The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but could not free himself from his previous feelings, could not resist her persistence, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could support his family, but did not want to connect his life with ex-girlfriend. At first I thought that he was simply expressing resentment and pride. Maybe we should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reunite with her?
But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence. He was convinced of the girl’s low morality and believed that she was manipulating him. He could not understand how she could have previously neglected his wonderful feelings and caused him such pain.
He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations. The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what should be done.
At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had no intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this dependence and suffering.
Following the theoretical ideas that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological “capitals” that a given subject “invested” in a loved one, I invited the client to create an image of these feelings in front of himself.
After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden lump from which sticks out a thread connecting him with balloon upstairs. We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with the help of these feelings.
After this, I invited the client to absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, back into himself as his energy. At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he couldn't. Suddenly he himself found a solution:
- I have to enter this room myself! Because he's bigger than me.
- Well, do it.
In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden shining aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hovered somewhere to the side.
– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?
– How do you feel about this girl now?
“You know, I really don’t care now.” I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to get revenge. I'm truly free.
– We should meet again to make sure that the result is truly sustainable. May need some work.
- No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again.
He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he didn’t call again.
A comment.This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that a subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of his feelings, actually regain them, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.
Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom the relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and/or actually) forgiven and let go. However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were given, with whom they are connected.
Before you let go, you need to get your “investment” back, otherwise nothing will work out. Sometimes this happens spontaneously, but for the most part the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technology.
Psychotherapists often suggest mentally tearing or cutting the connecting thread, mentally driving away ex-spouse etc. These mechanical methods sometimes provide liberation, but since it is not threads that bind people, but feelings, for the most part there is no solution, or this solution is partial and unstable.
The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visually represented image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything. There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive it away or abandon it. However, after this it is quite possible to let go of the object, which is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.
However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist encourages him to do, and this gives rise to new difficulties and features of the work. The therapist must learn to overcome or bypass the client's resistance on the path to his release.
Example 4. "Tearful Dove."
The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything said that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.
I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she “invested” in her loved one, and which she lost with his departure. She immediately replied that it was a dove.
I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? She confirmed that the dove she clearly imagined was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.
- Why?
- Because I'm clipping his wings.
- Why are you doing this?
- Well, of course, so that he doesn’t fly away.
This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it will still belong to her. And also that the more you hold someone captive, the more they break out.
All this was explained, but since experience is the criterion of truth, I suggested that, for the sake of experiment, she explain to the pigeon that the girl would no longer clip its wings. This statement had an effect; the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid. No assurances from the girl, which I pushed her to, helped. This is the second difficulty.
Carefully observing the client’s words and intonations, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the pigeon. She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might again lead her feelings with him. The same fear forced her to clip the dove’s wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.
Then I suggested that the girl paradoxically tell the dove that she herself would no longer be afraid of it. The girl was surprised because she was convinced that the dove was afraid of her. Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.
She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much deeper and more freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.
Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free from him. Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she no longer suffered and was no longer addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and sustainability of this result.
A comment.In this example, we examined two more possible difficulties that may arise when returning invested feelings:
1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which it loses confidence in him (in himself);
2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc. There is internal splitting and fear of failure to control oneself.
From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of self-doubt, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities. He sometimes resists freeing himself from the addiction he complains about because he is afraid that when he is free he will make new mistakes or will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.
The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with minor modifications of the technique; we call this expansion of the area of application of the method, or more simply, expansion of the method.
Example 5. "Spider on the back."
At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work. The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe pain in her back, this prevented her from sleeping normally; her back hurt in any position. She turned to doctors for help, but they could not help her.
I asked her to imagine an image of this pain. She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back. Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man.
It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she keeps trying to save him from this addiction, but she can’t do anything. She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him. We tried different things to free her from the presence of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to free her from this emotional dependency.
She understood that she still wouldn’t be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason she “couldn’t” let him go. Then I invited her to answer the question on behalf of the spider: “Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere where, perhaps, he is not going?”
Answering for him, the girl realized that he actually didn’t need it at all and that’s why he resisted. Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the pain in her back went away at the same moment. That same evening she broke off all relations with the drug addict.
After some time, she met another man, got married, gave birth to a child, and lives happily. Since then, her back has never (at least over the next 4 years) hurt. She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.
A comment. It is clear that the student could not break off the relationship out of a falsely understood sense of duty to this young man; she hoped for some kind of miracle and was afraid of being responsible for his further downfall. Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were initially offered to her.
Having answered the proposed question on behalf of the “spider”, she realized that he did not need saving, and his further fall was predetermined by his own desire, she was not responsible for it. She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will.
This immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any argument from the therapist, allowed her to let go of this person, stop feeling indebted to him and stop straining her back to save him. Therefore, her back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really break up with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, and really give up the false sense of duty.
On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty. But it is important to understand that the realization of the meaninglessness of her “feat” led to disappointment, and accordingly, the girl immediately took back her investment, one might say automatically.
Example 6. “25 Years of Heartache.”
A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic heart pain; she had to stop from time to time along the way to rest. Periodically, she felt so sick from heart spasms that she feared for her life.
These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life. His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and had fully recovered.
I asked her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing. The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart ailment was related to that old psychological trauma.
– It can’t be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I calmed down a long time ago.
“Well, then it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.”
- Yes, I let him go, but he doesn’t leave.
- Well, try again.
- Still, he doesn’t disappear anywhere.
- So you once gave him something very valuable to him and have not returned it to this day. Can you please imagine what it looks like?
“This is my wounded, bleeding heart.”
– Is this really your heart?
- Yes, of course, mine!
– Do you agree to return it to your body so that it falls into place?
– Yes, but he has such a wound, I’m afraid that it will make me feel bad.
- No, when you take it, only then will you be able to cure him. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you won’t hurt him anymore.
– Yes, it has returned to its place and is gradually healing.
- Tell me when it heals completely.
- Yes, it has already healed. I felt somehow better.
“Now look at the blade again.”
A comment. From this case it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.
The trouble is that he doesn’t even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it some kind of immoral, a betrayal of his mother.
At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of his mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feels guilty before her, etc. .d.
Getting rid of such an addiction is very difficult, and in my practice I have repeatedly encountered these difficult cases. Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the already described technique of emotional-imaginative therapy shows great promise.
Example 7. “Merging with Mom.”
A woman, approximately 35 years old, with a child of her own, made the following request at a seminar. Her whole life was permeated with a feeling of insignificance and dependence on her mother in her feelings and decisions.
Mom’s needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of her mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that her mother would die evoked the idea that it was impossible to live after that. Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong.
The main line of work was aimed at helping the woman realize what part of her personality she once handed over to her mother as a child and why? It turned out that it was her little one child's heart and, despite the confidence that this heart was hers, she experienced great difficulty in regaining it.
Finally, she returned this heart to her body, and immediately her train of thought changed. She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, was a separate person from her, her mother had her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother had her own character and her own delusions. But most of all she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.
As she mastered this new subjective reality that had opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult, large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of. Now she realized that she could feel for herself and make decisions according to her needs, this was new and wonderful.
A comment. Thus, the investment return method can also be effective in the case of confluence.
In the event of a merger, other techniques can be and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the image of an egg, bag, vat or cave inside which he is located), he seems to refuse to be born.
Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, the traditional techniques of symboldrama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.
We inform the client that he is the one holding the mother's womb, to which he naturally agrees. After which we invite him to let go of the womb, addressing its image with the appropriate words. If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.
Example 8. “Let go of the mother’s womb.”
At the seminar, I invited the group participants to perform a mental exercise, to enter the circle of “Health”, the reactions were varied, but mostly positive. However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in a motionless anemic state, she tried to get out, and in the end she saw herself in the sea, but she was also in an anemic state.
I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother. To which she replied that both were true. “You should let go of your mother and her womb,” I advised, “because only you are holding them, and not they you. But this will require great job. We'll deal with it later if you want."
After which I moved on to discuss the impressions of other group members. After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to excitedly walk back and forth within the group circle. Naturally, I asked what was going on with her and if she wanted to discuss her problem? She replied that she had already followed my advice and that she would do everything else herself.
I continued working with the group, and the girl kept walking in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her place. At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.
A comment.This case illustrates another release technique when the client lets go of an object that he feels is holding him. For example, an individual sometimes claims that he is “in prison” and cannot free himself from it, no matter how hard he tries. Then he is asked to let go of his prison!
The prison collapses and the client is freed. Then he realizes that he created his prison himself. But when he lets go of the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in that object and automatically returns it to himself.
This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one. First, return the lost parts of your personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away the violence), then this will be a criterion for the success of the work to return the investment. If you can only forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not actually broken.
Then a small mouse ran out of the hole, next to the root, and began to gnaw at the root. When there was very little left for the root to break, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He picked it and ate it.
This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is continuous suffering, there are only small joys.
However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in horror, the second tiger is the future, which a person always fears. The root is the root of life, and the little mouse is the inexorable time. But a small strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he found himself in the present moment of time and gained enlightenment.
Because in the present there is no past or future, which means there are no fears and suffering, there is only a beautiful present that can last forever. Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, you often need to simply return from the past or future.
Example 9. "Return from the Past."
The young man, who was a successful businessman, earned a lot of money, but his company did its job and was disbanded. He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.
It turned out that all he could think about was how good it was when he ran a successful company. He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then.
I told him that he seemed stuck in the past and asked what he left there. "Yes, I'm all there." - he exclaimed. I invited him to see himself in the past and bring that self back here, to the present. “But he doesn’t want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn’t want to come back to me.”
“Explain to him,” I say, “that he clings to the illusion that this is nothing anymore. He lives in an illusory world, deceives himself, but you can live here for real.”
“Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I somehow felt good. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile.” This went on and on, he came again to check and was convinced that the effect did not disappear, that now he had found the meaning of life.
Reading time: 3 min
How to let go of the situation? This is a question that concerns individuals who have experienced a difficult situation in life and want to quickly find a solution. Not every individual understands the meaning of letting go of a situation. Some individuals believe that this is completely impossible; it will haunt them constantly. However, the individual still has hope, and he tries hard to find the answer, how to let go of the situation, how to start living again, and stop worrying about painful things? If a person often thinks about this, then she should gather her willpower and let go of the exciting situation forever.
A person seeking to understand how to learn to let go of a situation must first analyze his problem. You need to concentrate on it and take it apart, think about what exactly is bothering you: unspokenness, hidden feelings (resentment).
A person trying to figure out how to let go of a situation needs to know: it doesn’t matter how old the situation is, a year, a month or a couple of days, if it doesn’t leave you alone, then it has meaning for the person. A person who lives by past events will not be able to calmly continue to live and build the future.
To let go of the situation, you should think carefully and then decide what can be done now with this problem, what can give results right now. The main thing is not to be inactive, because this will drag on the situation and it will be even harder to let it go.
To let go of the situation, you should muster up the courage and do everything necessary that will help you let go of the intense feelings, if previously at the right moment the person was afraid, did not want to, did not dare to say or do what was right. It will be possible to let go of the problem when a person dares to do everything necessary for this.
Sometimes, in order to let go of a problematic situation, you need to distract yourself from it. One should think about why, due to the current situation, a person cannot experience personal happiness, live a free life, is life really so monotonous that there is nothing to do except reproach oneself.
You should not assume that life will become better only if you achieve a specific goal or if a certain person is nearby. The idea that it is impossible to be happy without this will not allow a person to grow personally and develop further, especially negative thoughts They will only stagnate a person. You need to believe that everything will work out for the best, because time passes, and with it all feelings smooth out, anger passes, grievances seem not so serious.
To change your life, correct mistakes, let go of the situation, you should be in an elevated good mood, because a person is trying to change everything for the better, and therefore to a positive result. Optimism is not an indicator of a person’s frivolity, as some people think, it allows him to be firm in his intentions and strengths, and means to understand well his main goal and task.
Many are unable to let go of the situation, they live by it, feed on the sensations they experience, replaying certain moments in their heads every time. These people are dependent on external factors, therefore they are unable to let go of their situation and find a solution.
Of course, a problematic situation can be depressing, so you should allow yourself to become happy. To do this, you need to sincerely forgive yourself for your failures and past mistakes and let them go. It is necessary to realize that mistakes or actions brought experience. It is worth letting go of the past and starting to live again, relying on the foundation of past mistakes, letting in the light and filling your life with it.
During a showdown, people become very emotional, strong feelings are overwhelming, and people no longer find out, but each prove that they are right, without hearing the interlocutor and often uttering thoughts that appear in their heads, to which the individuals themselves do not give an account. This is how problems are born that become more significant than the original ones.
How to learn to let go of the situation and stop thinking about the situation all the time for a certain time to refresh your thoughts. The longer you think and “rethink” a situation, the more complex and confusing it will seem. Remembering various details, a person will become more and more angry or sad. This will make the situation worse, and it certainly won’t help to let it go and fix it.
When they calm down, people realize that they have said a lot of unnecessary things. Therefore, it is better to initially try to prevent this moment. This requires strong self-control and attentiveness in order to feel when the situation begins to heat up and stop in time.
After you have abstracted yourself a little from the problematic situation that you want to let go of, you need to look at it in a new way. In a good way there will be a replay of the situation in the mind, on the part of the observer, in order to thoroughly analyze his own words and emotions, and the words of the other party.
To let go of a conflict situation, you need to understand the interlocutor, which guided him when he behaved hostilely. Perhaps he had some personality issues that he was worried about at the time, so he was angry and took all his negativity out on you. He could even be tired, sick or anxious, so you shouldn’t immediately take his malicious statements or actions on yourself.
How to let go of the situation and not think about it in this case? You should imagine yourself standing in the place of your interlocutor. It can be assumed that it is also difficult for him and he is worried, since he himself did not imagine that the situation would take such an outcome.
Forgiveness very often helps in how to let go of the situation and begin to move on without offense. If it is difficult to immediately talk to a person, you can mentally imagine yourself asking for forgiveness. It is necessary to imagine it as vividly as if it were now before your eyes. It doesn’t matter who started the quarrel first, and if a person is worried about the situation that happened and wants to let it go, then certain steps need to be taken. It is worth arousing the most sincere feelings in yourself, apologizing from the bottom of your heart, saying that he also forgives and does not hold grudges or grudges.
It is necessary to do this until a feeling of lightness and freedom overtakes; it should bring with it relaxation and calm. When you manage to achieve this state, you will be able to let go of the situation.
This method helps well to let go of the situation, promotes the resumption of relationships after a conflict and liberation from negative feelings. After the “trial” forgiveness in absentia, you should dare to meet or talk on the phone, try to start a conversation, ask for forgiveness “live”. It is necessary to do this in order to finally let go of the situation.
How to let go of the situation - advice from a psychologist:
It is necessary to abandon erroneous beliefs. Many people ruin their personal lives through their actions. You should not hold on to old principles and beliefs that prevent you from adequately contacting people and be afraid to let them go.
People value principles so much that they make critical mistakes because of them and break up with loved ones. It is worth admitting to yourself that no one else is to blame for this. If everyone tells an individual that he cannot be so principled in a relationship, then he needs to be less categorical. You need to admit that you made a mistake and let go of beliefs and categorical principles, be simpler, then the world will change.
If a person goes through the current situation for quite a long time, through the departure of a person, it means that he has complexes, he is indecisive, he has too much, he experiences a feeling of guilt and resentment.
To let go of the situation, you need to get rid of these qualities and allow yourself a happy life.
What does it mean to let go of a situation and let a person go? You need to understand that letting go means living without memories of a person, thanking for a new experience, putting an end to it if nothing good “sticks together.” We must learn to live again, fully. Needs to be worked out own feelings, and not just resign yourself to doom and live on with gloomy thoughts.
The negative experiences that have accumulated inside as a result of the separation must find a way out, so the first thing is to let them go - cry, do it once, but very thoroughly, so much so that you feel empty inside and no longer want to cry when remembering these experiences.
How to let go of a situation in a relationship with a man?
You need to consciously evaluate how these relationships proceeded, take off your “rose-colored glasses,” and look at these relationships from a different angle. Of course, every woman wants her relationship with a man to be the most ideal, but some disagreements, quarrels and misunderstandings still occur. Therefore, it is worth remembering precisely these unpleasant times, and not idealizing the “former” as the only and best.
If a woman is worried about the question of how to let go of the situation in a relationship with a man, you can use one psychotherapeutic method. You should express all your disturbing thoughts and exciting emotions by writing a letter. Allow yourself a free flow of thoughts, you need to express what is painful. This technique helps the person to get out from within all the hidden feelings that haunt him and do not allow him to experience joy. In this way, she can let go of all emotions, and no one will be offended.
To let a person go, you should remove all objects that remind you of him (things, gifts), so that you don’t cry, remembering the lost moments. Regrets must be put aside. If previously you had to worry about your partner and devote less time to your own needs, now you can become more self-centered, think more about yourself, personal needs that never had the opportunity to be realized. Find new reasons for joy. This will help you let go of the situation and drive your sad and negative thoughts away.
In order not to feel, you should enlist the support of friends, they will find the necessary words, you just have to listen to them a little.
Understanding that you need to organize your future, dream, even without a specific person, will definitely help you forget the past.
Almost every individual has experienced a feeling of unrequited love. To make it easier to let a person go from your thoughts, you need to realize that since he rejected the offer of love, then you should have pride and should not constantly impose yourself on him, and again experience rejection, which makes you even more upset every time. You need to develop self-esteem. If a person learned about feelings, but did not respond to them immediately, then he should take a neutral position. It is necessary to let go of expectations so that they do not accidentally encounter a reality that is completely different from what a person imagines. It is important to be a little philosophical, to think that there is a time for everything, and also to think that it is impossible for one person to belong to another if he does not have mutual feelings for him.
In order to let go of the situation in a relationship, you should not idealize your chosen one at all, because he, like all people, has shortcomings, so it is worth assessing them objectively and focusing on them. Over time, it will begin to seem that he is not as good as he seemed at first. You need to stop all contacts and connections with him; the less something reminds you of him, the faster you can let him go.
The human psyche has the ability to recreate in memory pleasant memories of life, which can give a person a good state, liberation from anger and resentment, accumulated negativity over the years of life, which allows for mental rest. This state is reminiscent of a state of meditation, which immerses the individual in relaxation, gives balance and serenity, something that is very necessary for everyone, especially when a person has problems and intends to let them go, leaving peace in the soul.
To be a healthy, strong, more balanced person, to be able to let go of the situation, you need to regularly immerse yourself in such a relaxed state. Disconnect the body from all the everyday bustle, problems and conflicts, let go of all the accumulated bad and disturbing thoughts about an unworthy person.
Almost everyone often forgets about themselves while worrying about others. Thus, he is governed by erroneous stereotypes, which are almost always at odds with internal rhythms. You should worry more about yourself, your personal health and pay attention to what contributions those around you make to your life, then if they do not bring sincere joy with happiness, then it is better to let them go from your heart.
In life there are various situations in relationships that need to be forgotten. For example, if a partner betrayed or cheated and cannot forgive this person, then you should forget him and let him go. Has he not done enough in the relationship for this to be his punishment?
To make it easier to let go of the situation in a relationship, you should take into account the existing facts, everything that previously happened and is happening. For example, you said goodbye to your partner, even if without scandals, and a little later you begin to think how bad it is without him, but he himself does not think of returning, then the conclusion suggests itself - let go and move on without getting hung up on him.
One day a person begins to think again, remember about him, but if such thoughts leave, then the individual will see that it is still possible to live without him. You should give yourself a clear instruction to let go of the situation, not to remember your ex. Being fixated on the past can interfere with creating a happy family and making new plans. The sooner a person understands this, the faster he can create a new life.
Many individuals believe that it is right that after a breakup it is worth getting rid of feelings, but by doing this they draw themselves even more into this love. You need to allow yourself these feelings for a while, but set aside time for them, don’t cry all the time, but go about your urgent affairs as always, but at the appointed time, cry and swear. Thus, a person learns self-control.
If he firmly knows that he allows himself to remember a person at a set time, he will get tired of it over time. Throughout the day, he is busy with business, so he cannot be distracted by extraneous thoughts, and in the evening, after all the work at home, he will want to psychologically relax, and not grieve. Since your ex is better off without you around, then you will become a happy person without him.
When a person tries to solve a problem, he tries various options, but he is unable to do this, then it is best to let go of the situation, i.e. let it take its course, let it resolve itself. It often happens that while an individual does not fuss, his feelings smooth out, and he forgets the thoughts that previously worried him. That's why time is considered the best doctor. You should stop controlling the situation and observe the current situation.
By getting to the bottom, assessing the situation, you can open the relationship and make yourself understand - this failed relationship had no future. If it had happened differently, then they would have ended differently, it’s logical. So, it means you should let go of the situation with ease.
If you can’t let go of the situation on your own, then you should enlist the support of a psychologist who will help resolve current problems and difficulties and teach you how to cope with them.
A loving individual not only himself, will not limit anyone and adjust his behavior to his own framework of beliefs. Because no one owes anyone anything, even if at first they promised to love forever. It's just that one person attached meaning to these promises, and another made them, but had no intention of keeping them. You should not cling to a person or something that does not fit with the flow of your life, since this is fraught with big problems, it is better to let him go. We must learn to keep balance, because everything flows and changes.
Fear does not allow you to let go of the situation; it is also worth getting rid of. You need to accept the truth and be grateful for it. Letting go with gratitude for the experience gained in the relationship, which was accompanied by tears and laughter, which helped to grow internally. To forget a painful memory, you need to accept what is now, what was, and realize your capabilities. You need to find the strength to accept all life changes, trust your intuition and appreciate your achievements. Any experience is priceless; only by understanding this can you continue your confident, successful path.
When problems arise, it’s always a test. This is a kind of test of readiness for life changes and risks. If the situation changes, you should not be afraid of it, and take steps back, you should only go forward. Because life moves in a forward direction and you need to let go of the old.
When wondering how to let go of a situation in a relationship, you need to tell yourself that you should stop clinging to them and live for your future. When a person manages to forget about the past, then in the soul where they previously occupied a place significant relationships, a void is formed, and in order not to feel it so strongly, it is necessary to fill it with communication. Make new acquaintances, reconnect with former friends and with relatives, and, closing himself off from others, a person will feel unhappy.
Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"
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