Happy faces of the young, joyful tears in the eyes of the mother - here she is, new family. It seems to everyone that now two people, hand in hand, will go through life in complete happiness and harmony. But, alas, according to statistics, more than half of families break up. Married Orthodox Christians also get divorced... After a couple of years, and sometimes after 10, having already had children, they suddenly get divorced. All of a sudden? Or is divorce a natural consequence of incorrect construction? family life? We asked Father Mikhail Nemnonov to give advice to readers on what to do in a difficult family situation.
— Father Mikhail, tell me, what do you see as the reason that so many marriages are breaking up today? What was different, for example, in the last century?
In our time, many values that were unshakable for traditional society, for people of the 19th century and even partly of the 20th century, have ceased to be indisputable. Before the revolution, a family was created once for a lifetime. Many young people getting married remembered the words of the Savior: “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” There were problems in families before, but there were actually fewer divorces. Apparently, there was a stronger sense of responsibility for the other spouse, for the children, for their actions... Apparently, what is now called “social skills,” that is, the ability to interact with other people, people were better able to use at home, among their loved ones. Of course, the pre-revolutionary family was strengthened by the fact that it was difficult for the wife to feed the children alone, and it was hard for the husband without a mistress. “Give your soul free rein, it will want more,” says the Russian proverb. This is what happens: often a family exists while the very first feeling of love is hot, and as soon as it passes, the young people say that they did not get along in character and are looking for the “love of their life” with another person. Meanwhile, modern family psychology claims that if a wife tells her husband “if you don’t do this, I’ll divorce you,” the likelihood of divorce increases significantly, and in order to save the family, the very topic of divorce should become taboo. But in our time, this knowledge somehow does not always lead to appropriate behavior. In modern society, there is an opinion that a spouse is something temporary and impermanent, that at any moment you can get a divorce and calmly look for another, creating more and more families. One young woman said that, looking at her husband, she often thought: “This is my first husband...”. Being married to a good man, she made plans for subsequent marriages, and she got divorced more than once.
— Even in Soviet books about the family they wrote that large families stronger...
— Problems also occur in large families. Everything is decided not by the number of children, but by the internal disposition of the spouses. But “all other things being equal”, large families are indeed stronger. Children strengthen the family as an additional connecting link, and at the same time they themselves come from the love and responsibility of the spouses, like flowers from a good root.
— How can two people build a family life in order to carry the warmth of their first feeling through the years?
— Empress Alexandra Feodorovna wrote about this: “...The secret of happiness in family life is attention to each other. Husband and wife should constantly show each other signs of the most tender attention and love. The happiness of life is made up of individual minutes, of... countless small but kind thoughts and sincere feelings. Love also needs its daily bread.” And Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh gives the example of a man whom he once asked: “What color are your wife’s eyes?” And he couldn’t give an answer! And it would be necessary...
- There are no quarrels in a family...
And not in any family. Therefore, making peace after a quarrel is an indispensable skill of family life. It’s better, of course, not to lead to a quarrel, but if it happens, life doesn’t end there. One priest advised this - no matter how much you quarrel during the day, no matter what disagreements arise - never leave a quarrel until the morning - always make peace before going to bed. Make peace and ask for forgiveness.
— Suddenly the relationship begins to crack. What should a wife do when her husband gets irritated by everything, criticizes everything and shows with all his appearance that he is no longer happy with her?
Ingratiation on the part of the wife will only make matters worse. Retaliatory irritation will also not do any good. There is probably only one way out for the wife - to answer “the madman in his madness,” that is, to make it clear to her husband that he is wrong, to explain this to him. Show that you still love him and are ready to forgive. This, in my opinion, is best. After all, if one of the spouses simply “takes out” on the other the “negativity” and irritation that accumulates during the working day, then he himself, deep down in his soul, understands that his wife is not to blame for his difficulties at work and it is unacceptable to act this way towards her . In such a situation, a kind word of admonition spoken with love will certainly help. But if the issue is an internal crisis in the relationship, if the husband’s dissatisfaction and irritation is growing every day, then “ kind word admonition" may not work. But such cases are usually too complex to be resolved on the basis of “general” advice from a newspaper article.
— Is it true that it is not entirely useful for a family, especially a young one, to communicate with the wife’s unmarried friends or the husband’s unmarried friends?
— In my opinion, it is unnecessary to specifically limit such communication. It limits itself, spontaneously, since two people who have become one family begin a common life - different from the one they lived separately. But, of course, the interests of family friends are becoming closer and clearer, and now we have more in common with them. I can tell you how this was resolved in our family: there were no special restrictions with any of our friends, but we still communicated with them more together with my wife than separately. Now that we have five children, we are less free to communicate with our friends, but we still communicate. I have nothing against my wife visiting her friends, but this happens quite rarely. As for my friends, we also don’t see each other often and, as a rule, it’s on business. You understand: children need to go to bed on time and do their homework on time, and frequent visits (or frequent visits) do not contribute to this. And even without mom or dad, not all things get done as they should.
— And if the husband begins to actively show signs of attention to his wife’s unmarried friend, or if the wife’s friend flirts with her husband...
- If this happens, then it is better for the wife to communicate with her friend in the absence of her husband. And the husband needs to make this woman feel that he is not interested in her. This can be done in any available way - preferably “non-verbally”, in sign language, without unnecessary words. I think she won’t want to experience this feeling again and again. Maybe it's even better to stop communicating with her completely. Because a woman or girl who begins to “court” her friend’s husband thereby ceases to be a friend.
— Father, what should you do if your wife begins to suspect that her husband is unfaithful to her?
- Suspiciousness is also not to be welcomed. If there is a suspicion, you need to pray that the Lord will show how everything really is. With time everything will become clearer. Usually this is not such a big mystery that cannot be solved. But only if the husband comes home late is not a reason for unconditional accusations. Perhaps the wife did not create the emotional climate to which the husband would be in a hurry to return - so he chooses a longer path to home.
- What if the betrayal is known for sure?
- When a wife knows for sure that her husband is unfaithful to her, she can forgive him, or she can divorce him. Cheating on one of the spouses is a sufficient reason to dissolve even a married marriage: it is already broken. A wife is not obliged to forgive her unfaithful husband, but she can forgive him if she wants. It is up to her to decide what to do next, and you and I will not decide this for her. But the Church sees the family as a sacred thing and calls on people to fight for its preservation to the end.
— If a person forgives, is the marriage restored?
- It is being created anew. But - if the culprit really repented of what he did, that is, he changed. Sometimes the impetus for this change is a feeling of shame. What we do when no one sees us, we perceive in one way, and when it becomes public, we perceive our own actions in a different way. And this publicity - what the wife found out - can really help an unfaithful husband become faithful. If this happened, if she is sure that he has really changed, that everything will be different, she can forgive him.
- You can forgive, but it’s so difficult to forget betrayal! Maybe a sincere prayer for someone with whom your spouse cheated will help restore peace in the family?
“It seems to me that the task is not to forget, but to ensure that the shadow of this betrayal does not overshadow the relationship after the guilty party has repented and the injured party has decided to forgive. It's really difficult! Yes, this requires diligent prayer for the other spouse. But the “third” personality is hardly worth paying much attention to. Pray for her sincerely, and try to think about someone or something else. Otherwise, under the pretext of prayer, temptation may continue.
— Father Mikhail, there is such a point of view, in particular from Father Paisius Svyatogorets, that the family must be preserved at any cost. Father Paisiy cites as an example a family where the husband cheated, and the wife introduced his mistress to the children as good friend family, prepared delicious dinners for her. As a result, after 20 years, my husband realized what kind of good wife: the family did not break up and the children retained the most grateful memories of the relationship between their parents.
- In my opinion, this case can only be perceived as an exception. Because not every wife is capable of showing such generosity and self-control. I repeat, the Church calls for every effort to be made to preserve the family.
The Church insists on lifelong fidelity of spouses and the indissolubility of Orthodox marriage, based on the words of the Lord Jesus Christ: “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder... Whoever divorces his wife for reasons other than adultery and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:6:9). The current situation is extremely worrying, in which a very significant proportion of marriages are dissolved, especially among young people. What is happening is becoming a real tragedy for the individual and the people. The Lord called adultery, which desecrates the sanctity of marriage and destroys the bond of marital fidelity, the only acceptable basis for divorce. In 1918, the Local Council of the Russian Orthodox Church, in its “Definition on the reasons for the dissolution of a marriage union sanctified by the Church,” recognized as such, in addition to adultery and the entry of one of the parties into a new marriage, also the apostasy of a spouse from Orthodoxy, unnatural vices, inability to marital cohabitation that occurred before marriage or resulted from intentional self-mutilation, leprosy or syphilis, long-term unknown absence, condemnation to punishment coupled with deprivation of all rights of the estate, encroachment on the life or health of the spouse or children, daughter-in-law, pimping, taking advantage of the indecency of the spouse , incurable serious mental illness and malicious abandonment of one spouse by the other. Currently, this list of grounds for divorce is supplemented by such reasons as AIDS, medically certified chronic alcoholism or drug addiction, and the wife committing an abortion with the husband’s disagreement.
Fundamentals of the social concept of the Russian Orthodox Church
— What if the union has already broken up due to the “efforts” of one half?
— If the family has actually broken up, for example, if one of the spouses has created a new family, then there is nothing to save. But in order to understand whether the extreme limit has really been reached, beyond which it is already pointless to fight, one should turn to the help of the Church.
— And when there is no talk of betrayal, people just go to different corners?
- I know one such case among my friends. The saddest thing is that the family is Orthodox. They have two children, and the husband lives with his parents and sometimes visits his family. In this case, in my opinion, there is no need to get a divorce. Children still have a father. Another thing is that the relationship is strange. And in the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church” among possible reasons divorce also indicates malicious abandonment of one spouse by the other. Malicious - that is, intentional. He didn’t just go missing, was captured, or fell ill, or some misfortune happened, but he left his family of his own free will. Then the other spouse has the right to divorce. But is this necessary? I am for saving what can still be saved.
- How to build relationships in this case?
— To pray is to ask God for wisdom on what to do and how to behave. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).
- If a husband begins to behave aggressively, shouts at his wife, at his parents, this affects the child...
— In a similar situation, one woman came with her child to the Monk Lawrence of Chernigov and he blessed her to leave her husband, saying that it was better for two to be saved than for three to perish. If the behavior of one of the spouses creates a threat to the children, then, of course, you need to separate from him. If aggressiveness is dangerous “to the life and health” of the wife and children, then you need to flee. And if not, then you need to be saved by patience and meekness.
— What are the consequences of infidelity and divorce? It is often observed that in a family built on “other people’s misfortune” there is no happiness of its own, for example, there are no children in the family...
- At least, an adequate, sane person will feel guilty all his life before his first spouse, whom he cheated on and abandoned.
- In general, can a second marriage be happy? And isn't a second marriage adultery?
- A second marriage may be happy, but... According to the Gospel, the one who abstains from a second marriage acts better. Of course, against the background of abstinence from “relationships” outside of marriage.
Some mothers, left by their husbands and raising small children, rush to get married again in order to quickly find a new husband and father to the child. This is understandable, but there is no need to rush in such a situation either. It’s better to first understand yourself, understand what mistakes were made. And you need to devote enough time to raising a child. Otherwise, instead of a new “dad,” the baby may get a “polygamous” mother, which is also not very useful for his upbringing. In ancient times, after a divorce, the church for a long time, sometimes up to seven years, did not allow divorced people to get married, considering them immature to enter into a new marriage. They had to go through a whole school of spiritual education - not education, but education, cultivation, so that they could enter into marriage in a completely different way, as mature people.
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh
— What should you do if one of the spouses, being Orthodox and a member of the church at the time of marriage, then abruptly leaves the church? Should we actively try to return him to church life?
— If an adult has left the church, it is impossible to force him back into church life. The main thing is not to leave the Church after him. We are more responsible for ourselves and to a lesser extent for the will of our husband or wife. You need to show your other half that you love her no matter what. But at the same time, stick to church life yourself.
- How to convert your spouse? Should we just pray for him?
- “Save your soul, and thousands around you will be saved.” You must first of all take care of being faithful to God yourself. If your spouse is not a believer, you cannot force him to become a believer. But you can stand in faith yourself. Then, perhaps, the unbelieving spouse, looking at the believer, will himself feel that there is something worthwhile behind his behavior.
— Father, what if there is a disagreement between the husband’s opinion and the opinion of the confessor?
— It is necessary to explain to the confessor the reasons for these disagreements. Tell him everything that is happening, as accurately, specifically, and honestly as possible. Ask for prayers and advice. Listen to what your confessor tells you. And then try to put his advice into practice.
— What if in a family the husband and wife have different spiritual fathers and their opinions disagree?
- This is a serious question. If the confessor (no matter the husband or wife) insistently demands the fulfillment of his instructions, but these instructions are not realistic, then you need to think about whether the person is being cared for there. The main criterion in choosing a confessor is spiritual benefit. There may be disagreements between confessors. This is completely normal. But if they become insurmountable, if one of the confessors takes a categorical position, he thereby calls into question the possibility of further guidance from him.
The first problems in the family arise after a year life together. This is due to the fact that two different people It’s hard to get used to each other and to other people’s habits. The romance that accompanies the beginning of a relationship is a thing of the past, it has been replaced by everyday life. It is difficult for both men and women to get used to passionate kisses, carelessness and falling in love. It’s good if, even after the wedding, the newlyweds try to maintain the flame of passion in the relationship. If life’s difficulties, work and everyday life completely absorb lovers, then conflicts are inevitable. The accumulated fatigue from daily responsibilities and monotony will one day spill out. At this moment you need to try to find a compromise, otherwise everything may end.
The next crisis is associated with the appearance of a child in the family. Even if the baby was desired and planned, his birth will one way or another change the usual way of life. A man by nature cannot treat a child like a woman, because the father and the baby are connected rather socially, so the young mother needs to be prepared for the fact that her husband may be afraid of new responsibilities. If a woman takes care of a child alone, then she will not have enough strength for love, especially since no one has canceled household chores. In this regard, the man will feel deeply abandoned and lonely. This will provoke even greater detachment and embitterment. In this case, one can only hope for male pride. Tell your husband that you will take care of the baby, but you trust only him with the upbringing and development. Explain this by saying that only a real man able to grow good man, that’s why you count so much on help.
If the birth of a child does not destroy the family, then next time conflicts will arise approximately 6-7 years after the wedding. At this moment, feelings become a habit, interest in each other disappears, and sexual life becomes a rare monotony. Often during this period someone starts or. A person strives for a feeling of love, new emotions and self-worth. If love in the family has not passed, it is necessary to fight these problems and urgently introduce innovations into the relationship: change the environment, go on a romantic trip, pleasantly surprise your loved one with a change in your own image. The most important thing in in this case- restore the sharpness of feelings.
The next problem in the family arises with the onset of a man's midlife crisis. He wants to feel young and attractive. Therefore, your husband may begin to assert himself at the expense of other women. If you do not consider sex from the perspective of betrayal, then just go through this time calmly, soon the man will calm down. But if this is unacceptable for you in your family, then the only thing that will help avoid this problem is the renewed passion in your couple. But keep in mind that such a period occurs in the life of almost any man and perhaps you just need to close your eyes to it.
Almost the last spontaneous problem in a family arises when children grow up and enter adulthood. Parents feel abandoned, unnecessary, the main meaning of their life together disappears. If you do not find common ground and common interests at this moment, there is a high probability that both husband and wife will begin to look for solace elsewhere.
However, such definitions do not necessarily fit every married couple. There are many people who know how to smooth out conflicts at the stage of their maturation, or perhaps a man and a woman understand each other perfectly. And there are families that are much more common, then people begin to live together again and can continue in this spirit for many years. In any case, be aware of the possible dangers and try to avoid them.
Statistics show that the number of divorces has increased significantly over the past few years. Nowadays, the value and inviolability of the family have become something of secondary importance, people have begun to take marriage and family relationships lightly. Almost every second family, one way or another, resorted to divorce. There are many reasons for this.
The highest percentage of divorces in the country occurs in early marriages, since people who marry are immature, infantile, with a fairly low spiritual and social level, who consider sex to be the basis of marriage. Sex in our time is a substitute for marriage, which is why divorces are so common. In addition, the roles of men and women have changed, with women taking on most male functions. The concepts of marriage and love do not at all mean that they are identical. Love for a person can fade and be replaced by a new one. Society in this case cannot condemn the behavior of a person who decides to divorce and enter into a new one because of the emergence of another love, since this could undermine the meaning of love as a symbol marital relations. On the other hand, society is interested in the strength of family and marital relations, since these are the conditions that are possible for the birth and raising of children.
There are situations when marriage is a burden for both spouses, because family relationships did not take place. Then divorce becomes more preferable and necessary. The greatest activity in divorce cases is shown by young women who want to find a loving and a devoted man and start a new family. But this dream is not always realized, since, as life shows, a divorced woman in most cases remains alone and raises a child alone.
Divorce is a warning sign of existing troubles. One of the most common causes of divorce and family conflicts is a misunderstanding between spouses and the psychological characteristics of the other half. But there are other important reasons why divorces happen:
Alcohol. It is also a common cause of divorce, and it happens that the culprit is drinking woman. But this will only complicate the situation.
Financial disadvantage of a young family. Nowadays, it is very difficult for a young family to purchase housing in order to live separately. You have to live in your parents’ apartment or rent a house, and this is not always affordable for a young family. In addition, low-paying jobs can also take their toll on family life. Nerves are gone. Constant conflicts, and, as a result, family breakdown.
Adultery is also a common cause of divorce.
Lack of distribution of responsibilities between “male” and “female”. In modern society, men have no responsibilities left; they all smoothly flowed into the responsibilities of women. Naturally, such inequality contributes to the emergence of conflicts that inevitably lead to divorce.
One of the reasons for the breakdown of the family is that the actual head of the family is a woman, since her income is not comparable more than a man. Naturally, not all men can come to terms with this fact, so they file for divorce.
The inability of one of the spouses to have children.
Consequences of divorce.
What does divorce mean for spouses? Divorce is a painful phenomenon that leaves an imprint on a person’s soul; it is always a catastrophe, a tragedy that knocks people out of their normal life rut, sometimes for entire years. Divorced spouses miss their spouses from time to time ex-husbands or wives, experience a feeling of anxiety, despite the fact that they themselves initiated the divorce and considered their family life unhappy. Even if ex-spouses after the divorce, they maintained a good relationship with each other; for their child, if he has one, this is a tragedy for life, since a child can only be absolutely happy if both parents are present. In addition, it has been established that children of divorced parents, in adult life are divorced more often than children raised in two-parent families.
Divorce is a process that brings a lot of harm to a child, disrupts his psyche, as a result of which the child grows up as an inferior person, that is, raised by one parent. In addition, girls who grow up without a father often become man-haters. She, one way or another, will compare all the men of her mother or her boyfriends with her dad. The girl will be afraid that her mother’s next marriage may bring suffering, and she will not be able to help in this situation and will suffer even more, seeing her mother’s tears. But it’s very difficult to pretend to be strong, to restrain yourself in front of a child, to pretend that nothing bad happened, so as not to further traumatize the child’s psyche.
Living in a single-parent family has a very strong influence on the child’s discipline and personality formation. Usually, children of divorced parents begin to do the opposite, stop listening, and begin to have problems with friends, with memory, and with general academic performance. Big problems with the child arise if at the time of the divorce he is in adolescence. With all his behavior, the child will express his protest against the divorce. Bitterness towards yourself and others will appear. He will consider himself to be the culprit of the divorce. For most children, their feelings go away within a year or two after the divorce, but some are unable to calm down and feel lonely for five years after the divorce or even longer. Psychological observations show that 5-7 year old children are especially worried about their parents’ divorce, especially boys. Girls experience their father's departure very acutely at the age of 2-5 years - during a period of intense emotional development. Since the child is always between the parents, regardless of whether they quarrel or divorce, the child will always suffer more than his parents.
Divorced men are much more likely to remarry than women. However, about 50% of them cannot find their other half after a divorce and remain lonely. On the other hand, the other half of men do remarry, usually five years after the divorce. Divorced women are more cautious and take much longer (5-10 years) to remarry.
Negative previous family experiences lead to the fact that most divorcing men and women potentially become supporters of extramarital sex, refusing to remarry for fear of a repetition of the situation.
From all this we can conclude that it is better to marry a good father of your future children, and not the person you love. Love may go away, but children will remain forever. Therefore, before you decide to take such an important step in life, think carefully about the consequences.
Today, it is especially difficult to bring to life the words of St. John Chrysostom, who taught: “Make your home a Church.” And the families of not only non-believers, but also churchgoers are breaking up. Why does this happen? How to save a family, how to make it truly a Church? How to resolve emerging conflicts and discord? And how to raise children to be pious and believers? We are talking about this with Hieromonk Job (Gumerov).
Modern marriages are very fragile. It is not difficult to understand why families of unbelieving spouses who are far from spiritual life fall apart. However, family well-being is not always observed among Orthodox Christians. What are the reasons here?
Most young spouses do not know that mutual sympathy, love, the need for communication - in a word, everything that determined their mutual choice and desire to get married is not enough for lasting and full-fledged family happiness. From the day they became husband and wife, a special and hard work to create a family as a spiritual and moral organism. For those who want to have happiness and constant joy, the family is a real school for acquiring the most important gospel virtues: love, humility, a peaceful spirit, the gift of reasoning. Everything should be imbued with love. It is precisely that love which, in the words of the holy Apostle Paul, “is long-suffering, merciful, does not envy, does not become conceited, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13: 4-7). If a husband and wife from the very beginning of their marriage remember this commandment given to all Christians, then they themselves will be happy and their children will be taught true piety.
Most often, a family is destroyed as a result of quarrels that are born from pride and pride. These passions blind a person. After several minutes of scandal, bitterness remains in the soul for many hours.
Even just good character and wisdom are enough to prevent family life from being poisoned by scandals. did not know the revealed truth, but was able to get along with his wife Xanthippe, who had a difficult, extremely grumpy character. One day she got angry and then poured a vessel of slop on her husband’s head. What about Socrates? Divorced? Did you drive your wife away? Beaten? No. He joked good-naturedly: “After a storm like that, it was bound to rain.” His student Alcibiades was very worried about his beloved teacher and asked why he did not drive her away. “Because,” said Socrates, “having it, I practice patience and meekness, with which I then endure insolence and insults from others. A good husband must correct or tolerate his wife's shortcomings. If he corrects them, he will create a nice girlfriend for himself. If he endures them, he works to improve himself.”
Notice the thoughts flowing into your soul
It is necessary to carefully examine your spiritual life and try to see the reason for the loss of love. Most often, it lies in the fact that selfishness has crowded out the ability to love from our hearts. Love can be reborn, but this requires intense prayer and considerable spiritual work.
Do you need to monitor your thoughts about your spouse and, say, stop all negative ones? How much can this help? Or should we deal with the cause, not the effect?
You should always monitor your thoughts, and not only those related to your spouse. The holy righteous John of Kronstadt advises: “People who try to pursue a spiritual life experience the most subtle and most difficult war through thoughts : every moment to be a bright eye to everyone, to notice the thoughts flowing into the soul from the evil one and reflect them; Such people should always have their hearts burning with faith, humility, and love. Otherwise, the wickedness of the devil will easily take up residence in him, behind the wickedness - lack of faith and unbelief, and then all kinds of evil, which you cannot quickly wash away with tears. Therefore, do not allow your heart to be cold, especially during prayer, avoid cold indifference in every possible way" ( John of Kronstadt, holy righteous. My life in Christ. 1:20).
If one of the spouses is an unbeliever
The most common mistake is accusations of unbelief. There is no better sermon than personal example
The most common mistake is accusations of unbelief. There is no better sermon than personal example. The wife should see the fruits of her husband’s spiritual life: a constant good mood, joy, caring for loved ones. You need to take on special daily prayer work for your husband/wife. You can read an akathist to the Savior or the Mother of God.
- The Church blesses you to live with an unbelieving spouse. Why? What is the meaning of such a marriage?
This blessing is based on the First Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians: “If a brother has an unbelieving wife, and she agrees to live with him, then he should not leave her; and a wife who has an unbelieving husband, and he agrees to live with her, should not leave him” (1 Cor. 7: 12-13). The meaning of such a marriage is explained by the holy apostle as follows: “An unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife, and an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband. Otherwise your children would have been unclean, but now they are holy” (1 Cor. 7:14).
We are talking about marriages that arose when both spouses were not Christians. If one of them turned to Christ, then he should not divorce his unbelieving spouse. The Supreme Apostle hopes that the fruits of his spiritual life will lead his husband or wife to the true faith.
Family or Church?
Running away from problems in relationships, a person can go into church life, into books about spiritual life, into services. It would seem that this is good. But the problem remains. How important is it for a married person to solve problems in his family?
If you do not arrange your family on the basis of peace and mutual understanding, then there will be no success in spiritual life
This most often happens to those who have recently joined the church. According to the words of St. Basil the Great, every thing is decorated with measure. If such a person does not arrange his family on the basis of peace and mutual understanding, then he will not succeed in spiritual life. We must be able to lovingly be able to tolerate the spiritual weaknesses of the people around us, but never follow their lead. You only need to please God. Certain evidence that we are building our lives correctly is inner satisfaction, joyful mood, and peace of mind. The focus of our lives should be the fulfillment of the gospel commandments.
You can often hear the following marriage formula: Christian marriage is a husband, a wife, and Christ between them. What does it mean?
The Savior said: “Where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:20). This gospel thought is revealed by St. John Chrysostom: “Where are the husband, wife and children united by the bonds of virtue , harmony and love, there is Christ among them.”
Churching is not a panacea: marriages of believers fall apart, and non-believers live together to a ripe old age. Is there some secret that is known not only to Christians?
“The preservation of the correct order of family life and family happiness in the human race,” says the wonderful preacher Archbishop Ambrose (Klyucharyov; 1820-1901), “is the subject of God’s special care and providence... The best thinkers have always considered families to be the basis of human societies and states, breeding grounds for talents and good inclinations in younger generations, the beginning of human well-being, the consolation of working people, a refuge for the orphaned and lonely, a shelter where the quiet and serene happiness of the human heart lives and is kept.” Throughout the long history of mankind, the strength of the family was maintained by traditions and customs, which are destroyed by modern civilization, driven by the spirit of consumerism and hedonism.
When there is discord in the family
What to do if your spouse does not want to discuss life together and does not agree to talk? How important is the ability to talk in family life?
A family is a unity of the closest people. Openness, complete mutual trust and the desire to coordinate everything with each other are a sign of the spiritual and moral health of the family. “We lived,” Tertullian writes to his wife, “a fairly long life, helping each other with reasonable advice” ( Tertullian. To my wife. I. 1). The spouse’s reluctance to discuss life together indicates that trouble has arisen. The reasons can be different: deep, serious or temporary and surmountable.
- In what cases is it necessary to find an “arbitrator”, and in what cases should we figure it out ourselves?
No “arbitration court” can help. Restoring peace in the family requires special spiritual work from spouses. I would even say: a feat.
- Is it generally acceptable to “wash dirty linen in public” - ask the advice of friends, girlfriends, complain to your confessor?
You should not talk to anyone about the sorrows and temptations that befell the family. It is not ethical to talk about the infirmities of a loved one. But this is even more unacceptable for spiritual reasons. Most often, the spouse discusses the painful problems that have arisen with their parents. They are looking for support and consolation, but do not realize how much harm this brings to the family. Parents, as a rule, develop a strong dislike for their son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Even when the crisis is overcome, the distrust and dislike of parents remains. But even with friends or co-workers, family troubles cannot be discussed. Random and useless advice does not go unnoticed, but has a detrimental effect on the family.
Only a conversation with an experienced priest can be beneficial. But his advice does not free spouses from sacrifice and humble labor for the sake of family happiness.
Many people advise starting with yourself in conflicts. How can a person start with himself if he feels that he is disadvantaged in some way by his “other half”?
If there is a painful misunderstanding and disagreement between the spouses, then we must strictly pray. When praying, it is important to take all the blame upon yourself. Then God's all-powerful help will come.
I will give an example that does not relate to the family, but clearly shows the beneficial effect of humility. Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk once came to visit a landowner he knew. He had a freethinking nobleman as his guest. A dispute arose about faith. The guest lost his temper and hit Saint Tikhon. He immediately fell to his knees and began to ask for forgiveness: “Forgive me for God’s sake that I brought you into such a frenzy.” This was not just the meekness of the saint, but a feat of humility. A miracle happened. The arguing guest himself fell to his knees and begged with tears to forgive him. Grace touched his heart. He changed his life and became a believer.
In addition to meekness and humility, a wife needs to take a close look at herself and the life of her family in order to see and correct omissions. A husband should do the same if he sees his wife’s reluctance to jointly resolve family issues.
- How to deal with the grievances and claims accumulated over the years of living together?
We must remember that our spiritual life is complete only when we fulfill the gospel commandments. We are all like the unmerciful debtor from the Gospel parable. The Lord forgives us the countless sins (ten thousand talents) that we commit every day, but we remember the offenses of our neighbors and cannot forgive a debt of 100 fines. “Mercy and condescension towards neighbors and forgiveness of their shortcomings is the shortest path to salvation ", reminded the Monk Ambrose of Optina.
Once again about the wedding
Many spouses, even after joining the church, put it off, citing unpreparedness, the fact that there is no such closeness between them. How true is this? Can a wedding help solve family problems, or should you solve problems first and then get married?
When churchgoers, having formalized their marriage, postpone the wedding indefinitely, they are not confident in the strength of their family. There is a very precise concept in the Holy Scriptures - loyalty . A Christian must be faithful, first of all, to God. “Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life” (Rev. 2:10). It follows from this that fidelity must be an immutable principle of life for us: fidelity to the Church, fidelity to our saving teaching, fidelity to the marital vow. “He who is faithful in a little is also faithful in much, and he who is unfaithful in a little is also unfaithful in much” (Luke 16:10).
We need to get married. It is necessary, leaving doubts and indecision, to build a family and follow the patristic instructions: “Make your home Church “You are responsible for the salvation of both children and household members” ( John Chrysostom, saint. Eight words on the book of Genesis. Word 6. 2).
Pitfalls of family life
- They often say: “The family boat crashed into everyday life.” Why is life so scary? And how not to break on it?
This is nothing more than a phraseology that ex-spouses use to justify their failed experience of building a morally healthy, happy family.
Everyday life is an integral part of family life. No matter how humble or even poor he may be, he cannot influence the happiness of the family. The experience of generations over the course of many centuries has been expressed in the following proverbs: “Agreement and harmony are a treasure in a family”, “In a family there is love and advice, there is no need”, “Any family that agrees does not take grief.”
What everyday life cannot destroy morally healthy family, I know well from my childhood. When dad was appointed head of the radio communication service at the Ufa airport, we came from Samara to Ufa in 1948. Our family (father, mother, brother and I) was given a small room at 12 square meters in a wooden house in which the radio center was located. The accommodation was so cramped that I had to sleep on the floor under the table. Life was without the slightest convenience. O d at She or the bathroom was hard to even think about. There was no water supply. Every day, in any weather, we had to carry 30-40 liters of water from the pump 2.5 blocks away. Our room warmed up in winter thanks to the stove, which cooled down by the middle of the night. On frosty days, frost appeared in the corners by morning. We lived in this room for 11 years. These were incredibly happy years. I wouldn’t trade that tiny room for any palace. The reason for our childhood happiness was the inexhaustible love for us that my mother had.
The family boat most often breaks on the sharp stones of selfishness, not everyday life
The family boat most often breaks on the sharp rocks of selfishness, selfishness, the destructive passion of drunkenness, idleness and adultery.
So that children grow up as Christians
We live in a society of mass unbelief. The media promotes lack of spirituality. Temptations are multiplying. How to protect children from this danger and raise them to be pious Orthodox Christians?
According to the words of the holy Apostle John the Theologian, “the whole world lies in evil” (1 John 5:19). Already the first Christians were concerned about preserving themselves as immaculate and pure children of God “in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation” (Phil. 2:15). He who lives according to the gospel commandments must adhere to “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report, whatever is excellent or praiseworthy” (Phil. 4:8).
Modern world experiencing spiritual and moral decay. However, this rapid onslaught of evil should not for a moment plunge us into cowardice. Exactly in such Hard times God and the Mother of God show special care for the world and for each of us. Our weak hands cannot change modern life. But if, in the conditions in which the Lord has placed us, we selflessly work with faith and hope for the salvation of ourselves and our children, then help from the Lord will certainly come.
The Word of God teaches us to refrain from despondency and despair. In any era, a person is born with free will and is not fatally dependent on the vices of his sick society. The image of God in him and conscience, like a heavenly voice in the soul, give him enough freedom to refrain from the sin that has spread around him.
A Christian's home should become a spiritual fortress. Special work lies ahead for those with small children. Parents must instill in them a spiritual immunity that will keep them in the faith when they come into contact with this world. Only those parents for whom faith is the main nerve of life can teach their children piety. Children sense sincerity and truth well.
We must ensure that there is constant love between parents and children. She fills their souls with peace and joy. It is warm, smooth and constant parental love gradually teaches children to comprehend the love of the Heavenly Parent for them. Everything in the family should be imbued with love. Then the child not only feels, but also realizes that in this huge, cold world, father and mother are the closest and most reliable people for him.
Father and mother should strive to have Christian sacrifice and resolutely renounce everything that prevents children from being spiritually healthy: secular newspapers and magazines, which contain a lot of vulgar and sometimes obscene; from radio and television, which bring a lot of dirt and spiritual poison into the house, and from other attributes of a modern society that lives without spirituality.
The greatest treasure in the house is a peaceful life
Parents must clearly understand that the greatest treasure in the home is peace. Its preservation is the first priority. Throughout all the sacred biblical books the thought of peace runs through as a great and desirable good that God gives to those who live according to His commandments: “Great peace have those who love Your law, and there is no stumbling block for them” (Ps. 119: 165). Discord, like acid, corrodes the authority of father and mother in the eyes of children, and if there is no authority of parents, then spiritual and moral education becomes unattainable. Children are easily captivated the world, in which there is an abyss of temptations. Only the authority of parents, their warmth, wisdom and sacrificial work can overcome the temptations of this world.
There is one more thing parents must show sacrifice. They should give up the habit of having empty conversations at home on political and mercantile topics. Children become infected with this worldly spirit. He is alien to the bright and joyful world of faith. Feat is required from parents, for we are participants in a great spiritual battle.
The entire centuries-old experience of Christianity has long ago convinced us that the fruits of faith can only be had when a person perceives the good news of the Kingdom of Heaven with his whole being. “A spiritual person must have one salvation in mind, and what leads to it is of high value, and what does not lead must be despised as worthless,” teaches St. Gregory the Theologian.
The child always suffers deeply if the family hearth collapses. Family separation or divorce, even when everything happens with the utmost politeness and courtesy, invariably causes mental breakdown and strong feelings in children. Of course, it is possible to help a child cope with growing difficulties in a divided family, but this will require a lot of effort from the parent with whom the child will remain. If family separation occurs when the child is between 3 and 12 years of age, the consequences are felt especially acutely. Here are the circumstances that affect the psychological development of a child in such a situation:
1. The separation of a family or the divorce of spouses is often preceded by many months of disagreements and married couples, which are difficult to hide from the child and which greatly worry him. Moreover, his parents, busy with their quarrels, also treat him poorly, even if they are full of good intentions to protect him from solving their own problems.
2. The child feels the absence of his father, even if he does not openly express his feelings. In addition, he perceives his father's departure as a rejection of him. A child may retain these feelings for many years.
3. For some time after family separation or divorce, the father regularly visits the child. In all cases, this worries the baby very deeply. If the father shows love and generosity towards him, divorce will be even more painful and inexplicable for the child. In addition, he will look at his mother with distrust and resentment. If the father behaves dryly and aloof, the child will begin to ask himself why, in fact, he should see him, and as a result, a guilt complex may arise in him. If parents are also overwhelmed by the desire to take revenge on each other, they fill the child’s mind with harmful nonsense, scolding each other and thereby undermining the psychological support that the child usually receives in a normal family.
4. During this period, the child can take advantage of the family split to pit parents against each other and gain unhealthy advantages. By forcing them to challenge their love for him, the child will force them to indulge himself, and his intrigues and aggressiveness may even win their approval over time.
5. A child’s relationship with friends often deteriorates due to indiscreet questions, gossip and his reluctance to answer questions about his father.
6. With the departure of the father, the house is deprived of its masculine element. It is more difficult for a mother to take a boy to the stadium or instill in him purely male interests. The child no longer sees as clearly what role a man plays in the home. As for the girl, her correct attitude towards the male sex can easily be distorted due to an undisguised resentment towards her father and the unhappy experience of her mother. In addition, her idea of a man will not be formed on the basis of a natural, initial acquaintance with him through the example of her father, and therefore may turn out to be incorrect.
7. One way or another, the mother’s suffering and experiences are reflected in the baby. In the new situation, it is, of course, much more difficult for a woman to fulfill her maternal responsibilities.
1. Explain to him what happened, and do it simply, without blaming anyone. Reassure him that his father loves him. Say that this happens to many people and therefore it is better to be as it is.
2. The child can be protected from unnecessary worries when the separation of the family is as final for him as for the parents. The father's visits, especially if they become less and less frequent over time, each time again and again cause the baby to feel that he has been rejected. How smaller child at the time of family separation or divorce, the easier it is for him to part with him. Although this is not easy and is not prescribed by law, it is worth keeping these circumstances in mind. The baby definitely needs to be prepared for his father’s departure.
3. Try not to change your place of residence more often than necessary. The child now more than ever needs to maintain old friendships.
4. Do not remove your child from school immediately after separation or divorce. He already feels abandoned by one of his parents - you will only intensify this feeling.
5. Help your child mature and become independent so that he does not become overly and unhealthy dependent on you.
6. Try to resolve possible disagreements with your parents regarding raising a child as simply as possible. They may offer their help and you will accept it more often than you would like. Every conflict with them will be detrimental to the child, will give rise to insecurity and drive you crazy.
7. If the child is no longer small, create an opportunity for him to meet peers and some other men. Schools, sports camps and to the extent that resources permit, the supervision of a psychologist can be very helpful.
8. And yet, the most important thing that needs to be done is to get married again as quickly as possible, and replace the annoying father with a new one. Don't try to be both mother and father to your child. You won't succeed. You will remain only a mother, make the child even more dependent on you and create confusion in his idea of what a man should do in life and what a woman should do. The longer you put off getting married again, the more difficult it will be for you to get used to this idea and the more difficult it will be for your child to accept a new father. Get married again: it's the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.
The children were asked to write how they imagine their future family. And will it be like their parents' family? I would really like my family to be like ours. Mom, for example, when dad is at work, manages to do everything. My mother loves order; it rarely happens that the room is not tidy. In general, well done mom! And my dad is great: he loves humor and it’s very difficult to get him out of patience; I think this is one of the most remarkable character traits of a person. I try to be like him. Also, dad is a jack of all trades, he will do whatever you want.
Oleg, 13 years old.
My family is very ordinary. We almost never have quarrels. I have an older sister Vika, mom and dad. The four of us love to go (albeit infrequently) to the theater and cinema. In the evenings, mom knits and Vika and I sometimes knit or sing in three voices, and dad basses us to the beat. That's all about my family. I have enough affection and kindness in her.
Anya, 12 years old.
I don't want to have the same family. Because in our house they speak quietly and there is silence.
Ira, 11 years old.
My dad drinks, but really not that often. I wouldn’t want my husband to drink either, but I hear so many different words at home that children shouldn’t hear. Well, mom and dad also have quarrels, and I don’t want quarrels either.
Ira, 12 years old.
I live with my mother, I don’t have a father. We live with our grandparents. I have neither a sister nor a brother. And that’s why I don’t want my future family to be like ours. My father left us when I was several months old, and since then he has not sent a single letter. Ever since I was 8 years old, I thought: “When I grow up, I will have many children, not one, not two, but more.” And now I think that I will grow up and maybe take two or three children from the orphanage.
Girl, 13 years old
No!!! I don't want a family like ours. Mom and dad don’t understand me. My father is a military man, he is always on business trips, and when he arrives, he walks around the apartment angry. They constantly humiliate me: “Learn your lessons! What do you think? You’ll become a cleaner!” In our family, the main thing is money.
Girl, 12 years old
I don't want my family to be like ours. Besides my mom and dad, I have an older brother. He should be getting married soon, so he and his bride laugh at my gait, my ears and nose, they call me a snotty groom. Mom and dad have some conflicts. And my brother and I have problems. Sometimes it comes to a fight. I imagine my wife to be kind, to not smoke and to be a caring mother. I would like to have two boys and one girl. I will educate them so that they stand up for each other.
Oleg, 14 years old
I wouldn't want my future family to be like the one I live in now, because my mother is unhappy. Our family consists of me, my brother and mother. I imagine my future husband like this: red-haired, with a mustache, handsome, calm. I want my husband to never yell at the children.
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