Hello! I have been gathering the courage for a long time to consult with specialists about my problem. The fact is that from early childhood I have had serious problems in my relationship with my mother. To begin with, our family was quite prosperous. We never lived poor. The house was in order and beautifully renovated. I didn’t need anything. Good school, beautiful clothes, a lot of toys. At first, my mother was very involved with me. She taught me to read and draw. She tried to show me only good and instructive cartoons. Until the age of 5, everything was perfect. And then I realized, judging by the scandals and terrible scenes in our house, that Mom and Dad had a discord in their relationship. I saw my mom throwing a drunken tantrum while she was drinking. I was scared. I started having nightmares. Then they started raising their hand and not just their hand at me... dad and mom. Both. And with particular cruelty. I was 7 years old when my dad hit his head on mine on purpose. He just came up and hit me. My mother beat me with a thick belt and pulled out my hair. Over time, this became normal in our family. I am not a timid person, so I tried to stand up for myself as best I could. I hid so as not to be beaten, cried a lot. I tried a hundred times to have a heart-to-heart talk with my mother. But it was all in vain. She could control herself hands only for a while. Then we moved to live in another country. My grandmother was dying, and my mother looked after her. She lived in another city. And I lived with my dad for almost six months. But my dad had a mistress. He was busy with her. And I was All alone. In a strange city. No acquaintances. Dad was not at home all the time. It was a difficult time on the one hand, but on the other, no one touched or beat me. At that time I was studying and did not go out at all. Because I was scared. I I was a very insecure teenage girl. Then my mother came to us. My dad was torn. At home again, the scandals were just wild. With beatings and threats from my mother that she would commit suicide. I was just scared! That one day it will actually happen!
At the age of 17, I began to communicate with my future husband. But at first, uncertainty really bothered me. I didn’t have a very high opinion of my appearance. Because my mother called me fat-ass all the time. The last scene from my life with my parents was the last point. They both They were hungover. They asked me to go to the store for beer, but I refused. Because I was tired. I can’t stand my parents in this state. Whether I did something bad or good, I don’t care. I simply could not communicate with them. I was scared and even sick. Both parents, in front of their very decent friends, threw me onto the sofa. Mom hit me on the head, and dad kicked me... Then a miracle happened in my life. My beloved proposed to me and I agreed. He lived in Europe, and so I went after him. But it so happened that before I left it was just my birthday. Mom had a fight with me because I didn’t wash the dishes. And she and dad didn’t talk to me all my birthday. Dad came and threw me a banknote in my face, saying it was my gift. I didn’t take it. I got ready and went with my friends to a restaurant. Then I finally left. But I still hoped that at a distance my relationship with my dad and mom would improve at least a little. At first, yes. It was better. I even decided to go visit them myself. Everything was fine. But now again my mother started quarreling with me, and then didn’t talk for weeks. And dad, as always, is on mom’s side. Tell me if we have a chance to ever mend our relationship? And what should I do for this? And what am I doing wrong?
For some reason, the relationship between two close people becomes strained. It seems that representatives of two generations are ceasing not only to understand, but to hear each other. Almost every family has encountered a similar picture: the relationship between an adult daughter and mother is marred by constant quarrels.
To find a solution, you need to understand the cause. Psychologists assure that it is impossible to choose a universal method that allows you to take into account all the nuances of family relationships.
However, more often than not, daughters do not show a desire to understand their mother, and women of the older generation do not try to look at the world from the point of view of youth.
What are the main reasons for cracks in your relationship with your mother? Let's look at the most common of them:
The relationship with the mother does not work out, since she considers it her duty and right to raise the child, no matter what age he reaches. When will a girl have own family, she will begin to understand her mother's behavior to a greater extent. But until then, care seems unnecessary and ridiculous.
Of course, it will be possible to make life peaceful only if both sides are ready to make concessions. To do this, it doesn’t hurt to sit down at the negotiating table and calmly listen to the accusations of the other side and put forward your own.
Then figure out what exactly caused the misunderstanding and try to resolve the relationship before it finally reaches a dead end. However, often all attempts at peaceful negotiations lead to a new wave of scandals.
In this case the best solution will contact a psychologist. Unfortunately, the Russian family is not yet accustomed to bringing problems to the attention of an outsider and considers psychology to be fun.
If the girl is already an independent person with a stable income, the best solution would be to move away from her parents’ nest. Such a step will allow the mother to realize that her child has really grown up and does not need constant care.
In this case, the bad relationship with your mother will gradually fade away, since meetings between relatives will occur much less frequently. The girl will begin to feel like she is the master of her life, and will not be so negative about her mother’s advice.
It is recommended to constantly ask your parents for advice. Doesn't matter, adult daughter or the teenager will consult his mother on issues of cooking borscht, cleaning the room, the meaning of the movie he watched or the book he read. Seeing that her daughter trusts her opinion, the mother will be confident that she has the situation under control and her girl is growing up smart enough not to do anything stupid.
Problems in your relationship with your mother can be eliminated by showing reciprocal care. For example, during a walk, call and ask whether or not she needs to buy something in the store, how she feels. Living separately from her parents, it is advisable for a girl to visit them more often, bringing small but cute gifts. Mom will begin to be proud of the care that her adult daughter shows, and the relationship between the two generations will definitely change for the better.
Often the only way To prove to the mother that the girl is an adult, the daughter becomes aware of the fact that her manner of behavior is practically no different from the manner of a child. An adult takes deliberate actions and does not depend on momentary whims. Therefore, it is worth assessing your own behavior and figuring out whether the cause of conflicts is adult behavior or a child’s “I want”?
However, it is worth noting that the psychology of relationships with a mother is individual and general advice can only push a person in the right direction. Conflicts will have to be resolved based on the prerequisites and complexity of the situation.
For example, often a mother does not allow her child to live separately, because at the slightest mention of a change of place of residence she begins to have a heart attack.
Hello! I really hope to receive your advice, since my current life situation does not give me peace day or night. I am 23 years old. My boyfriend is 28 years old. We are planning to move together from Belarus to St. Petersburg. We've been dating for a year now. He recently started working in St. Petersburg. I won’t tell you everything love story, I will only say the most important thing: I love and trust this person very much, as I trust myself. At the moment I am finishing my studies at the institute and will receive my diploma in a month. The whole problem is that I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. Civil marriage mine is not the first. Then my mother cried for a very long time and became hysterical when I moved out. But I lived in my city... Mom is an incredibly stubborn, emotional and conflict-ridden person. When I tell her that I’m leaving my current job (my reasons), she loudly declares “no!” and for a week he reads morals to me: the job is good, you won’t find one like it anymore, you’ll work for a small salary. Remembering my childhood, I understand that I am a terribly insecure person, often unable to make any serious decisions on my own. Mom always decided everything: can I go to hobby groups (I can neither knit nor play sports), what I should eat (she forced me to eat), what to wear (if I liked something, but she didn’t - she will never buy this thing), who to study (an unloved profession and eight years wasted studying it). She can easily swear at me with choice obscenities, so much so that I sometimes cry from resentment. She believes that everything she read in the newspapers is true, and that my knowledge is childish babble. I was fat at school. A lot of my peers bullied me. All because I could never answer properly or fight back. The result is obvious - a lifelong complex about my body (although I’m not fat now). I wasn't a difficult child. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, there have only been two men in my life, and only after I was 18. I treat all people with tolerance, respect, and I don’t allow myself to offend anyone, much less say swear words. Friends and loved ones say that I good man. I cannot respond to rudeness and injustice. I endure it in silence, and then I cry and tell everything... to my mother... And my mother says - be patient, be silent, ignore... And now... I’m afraid to tell my mother about the move. And, it seems to me, I’m not only afraid of a scandal, but I also feel sorry for her... It’s so sad that my heart clench... I’m afraid of hurting her, I’m afraid of her resentment towards me and constant reproaches that I’m doing everything wrong . Most likely she will tell me that he should come to me, and not I to him, if I so want to be with him. I understand that now I’m going to go against her anyway, and this makes me feel bad... I’m starting to suffer from insomnia and uncertainty that I’m doing the right thing.... Feeling guilty for not listening to my mother and I do it my way.... My nerves are getting worse.... No, I don’t make scandals.... I just start crying quietly into the pillow. I shared my thoughts with my loved one. He told me that I decide how I should live, not my mother, and I need to fight this feeling of guilt within myself, because then I will hate my mother for the rest of my life. I understand the essence of my problem, but I can’t pull myself together and not succumb to my mother’s manipulations.... I’m very scared of losing my loved one because I choose my mother’s opinion. No, he won’t leave me if I change my mind, but I’m sure that his respect for me as a person will evaporate... In recent years, I’ve been sitting behind a locked door in my room. This is how I try to protect myself from my mother’s negativity. But this doesn’t help; on the contrary, it makes me think even more that I bad daughter. I have to talk to her when she wants, and if she calls me and I’m busy at the time, which I report, I become a selfish bastard... Yes, there are glimpses of my “I” when I still do the wrong thing, as she wants. But I think it became clear to you what happens next... I would be grateful to you for reading my story. Perhaps your advice regarding the above will make me feel better. Thank you for your attention!
Hello, dear community members. I need help and an outside perspective.
As I already indicated in the title of the topic, I have a complex and painful relationship with my mother. All my life (I'm now 33) they have ranged from more or less tolerable to disgusting. And never good and trusting ones.
There may have been good moments in my childhood, but I don’t remember them (except for summer trips to visit my grandmother in the village). All that comes to mind is continuous pressure, anger, demands, screams.
From childhood and youth, I gleaned a lot of “useful” information and ideas about myself: that I am not capable of anything, that the little finger of any child of my acquaintances-relatives-and-anyone is better than the whole of me, that I am an ungrateful brute, that I They feed me and put on shoes and even treat me (I was often sick as a child) and for this I must please everyone always and under any circumstances and be a good, kind and pleasant girl. And even if I was offended and treated poorly, it is still my fault. Because it was necessary to foresee this, somehow smooth it out and in general, why are you offended here, what a princess. It will be very difficult for you in life with such a character!
At 16, I was not allowed to leave the house without permission. I never had pocket money or any kind of personal space - my mother could get into my diary or personal letter at any time and not feel constrained in any way. As a result, I began to rebel and demand more freedom and personal space. Conflicts began.
At the same time, my mother began a rapidly developing romance with a certain man who soon began to live with us. And a couple of months later it turned out that the mother was pregnant. I’ll say right away that I reacted to these events with joy and relief, because it seemed to me that now the pressure on me would ease, my mother would switch to other concerns and leave me alone. I treated my mother’s husband (they soon got married) with trust and sympathy, he was smiling, behaved nicely, we went to see my mother at the maternity hospital together, everything was fine. But after my brother was born, on the same day something happened to him. He stopped talking to me altogether. It was as if I had disappeared from his world.
That same year I entered the university's economics department. I entered and realized that it was not for me at all. I also entered this faculty under pressure. I was destined to be an accountant, find Good work, earn a lot and be no worse than others. On the way from university, I thought a lot about my predetermined future and realized that it was unbearable for me. I went back to the university and picked up the documents. When I got home, I told my mother everything. At that time, our relationship was on the “tolerable” scale; in my youthful naivety, I thought that she would be able to accept my point of view on my future if I explained everything to her properly. Not so. A storm broke out. I was ordered, since I am so smart and independent, to provide for myself. And don't dare take food from their refrigerator, and their toothpaste, and their bread.
From that day my independent life began. I started looking for a job. In the end, I managed to get a job in one place, despite my age. I started earning money for myself, buying food, clothes, toothpaste. I tried to return home later, so as not to cross paths with anyone. I tried not to leave my room until they went to bed. We didn't talk to my mother. But the stepfather suddenly felt like the master of the house. And he began to drive me out of the apartment with the silent consent of my mother. When I returned home, insults and obscenities were thrown at my back. My shoes were thrown behind the closet, various small objects disappeared from my pockets. He could walk under the door of my room for hours and shout insults into the void.
I gave up. In such an environment, I could not properly prepare for the new university entrance exams, I could not concentrate, my hands were constantly shaking and my eyes were twitching. I felt at home like a hunted animal. In short, I left home. She moved to live with her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for some time. Actually, he himself took me from the house, unable to see what was happening to me.
Here is my background, so that it is clear where my legs come from. Sorry if it's too long.
Since then, our relationship with my mother has not improved.
Otherwise, everything is fine in my life, I’m married, no children. But these relationships put pressure on me and poison my life. I tried to talk to her, and swear, and go to family constellations, it doesn’t help. One call from her can throw me off balance for half a day. I can’t cope with my feelings when I talk to her, I have to completely abstract myself, fall into suspended animation, so as not to react to these endless attempts to get into my personal space, some kind of reproaches, hints, moralizing, so as not to quarrel again.
Recently there was another crisis and we didn’t communicate for a couple of months. And I’m so out of the habit of this that I simply can’t bring myself to call her, although our “relationship” has been restored. I find it very difficult to pretend, and in this recent crisis I have found myself hating her. If it were possible, I would like not to have any feelings for this woman at all; in fact, we are strangers to each other.
But, I think that as the years go by, no one is getting any younger and eventually she will become old and possibly sick. And she will begin to demand, for example, that I take care of her. Or, if my husband and I have children, she will probably be happy to educate them about how stupid their mother is.
All these thoughts make me feel uneasy; I don’t see a way out of the situation. Help me please see him.
Mom has always been the head of the family. She has the final say, she makes the decisions. Dad is on his own, doesn’t really interfere or delve into anything. We were brought up strictly. Mom always tried to force me into the framework of her ideas about a “good girl.” Since childhood, my sister and I have been different. I climbed trees and roofs, jumped off stairs, rolled on railings, rolled in the snow, tore my clothes. And my sister was always neat and calm, she told my mother about my misdeeds, about my girlfriends - she told my mother EVERYTHING. And to myself too, of course. And I gradually lost trust - first in my sister, and then in my mother. Mom also didn't know how to keep my secrets. She immediately told everything to their sister, dad, and relatives. Even when I had my first menstruation, my mother announced it in front of all our relatives when we were visiting my grandmother. How ashamed I was then! And I learned to be secretive, learned to meet my mother’s requirements. I was an outcast at school. We didn’t live well; my mother sewed and altered a lot of clothes herself. I didn’t like wearing what my mother chose, and I was afraid to ask for the thing I liked. My peers had beautiful notebooks with pictures and backpacks, and I carried oilskin notebooks and women’s briefcases bought by my mother. Nail polish and cosmetics were an unattainable dream for me. Mom didn’t forbid using them, but I never had the money (only for a pie in the dining room) to buy it myself. In addition, I was afraid that my mother would not approve of the purchase. I bought my first jeans when I was 16 years old. Later, if I bought something, I tried, if possible, not to show it to my mother. And now I don’t say it again, lest my mother say that it’s expensive, stupid, inconvenient, or why spend money on it at all. In class I felt like an ugly duckling, and in my relationships with the guys I was an insecure girl. At school, college, and institute, I was an excellent student. At school they despised him for this and considered him an upstart. When I entered college, I was surprised to note that I was respected here. I learned to communicate, I made friends, but studying was still a priority in my life. I am still very demanding of myself. It is important for me to always look good, I carefully monitor the order in the apartment, there is always something to eat at home, at work I am a very responsible and conscientious, successful employee. Conflicts with my mother began in adolescence. I tried to defend my opinion, my tastes, but my mother always condemned me, did not understand, said that I did not appreciate her care and formed a feeling of guilt in me. When I met my future husband, it was like a breath of fresh air, I felt that I could break out from under my mother’s oppression... I’ll immediately make a reservation that I didn’t run away to get married, but got married Great love and I have loved this man for 10 years. I'm happy in my marriage. Mom always put the children first. She always lived for us. Over time, the center of her life shifted towards her sister. I carefully protected my world, my family from her invasion. The sister, on the contrary, lives in a close union with her mother. She calls her every day. When my sister and I exchanged our parents' apartment - mom and dad moved to my grandmother's - my parents gave most of the money to my sister. My husband and I had some money, and with these funds my mother equalized our shares with my sister so that we could buy equal apartments. When my sister was on maternity leave with her second child, every day in the evening my mother drove from work halfway across the city, picked her up from kindergarten and brought the eldest, although it was a 15-minute walk for my sister to get to kindergarten. Her eldest child, from the age of one and a half, spends all weekends and holidays with his mother and father. Now his mother takes him to the swimming pool in the center, which is next to his sister’s house. Mom comes specially so that her sister does not leave the house with her youngest. When my sister went to work after her second maternity leave, my mother retired to take care of her. youngest child. But by that time I had already been working for two years. And all this time I felt like a beggar when I asked my mother to sit with the child. Leaving him for the weekend or asking for help if my son is sick is my headache . We can leave the child only if the mother is not busy with her sister’s children. My mother-in-law is happy to help, but she lives far away, in the village. I feel rejected and in a humiliating position. My mother and I never talk about the current situation, we pretend that everything is OK, we talk about nothing. She is not interested in our life, work, friends. If earlier I tried to tell her something, then I was repulsed by her disapproving attitude towards my actions and the people around me. She could call my girlfriend “pushing” if I said that she goes to a nightclub or goes on vacation with friends in nature, in cities. She despises my wonderful boss because the person, due to legal nuances, cannot yet formalize me, etc. Then she completely stopped hearing and listening to me if I told her anything about work or friends. She could interrupt and talk about something else, or she really DIDN’T HEAR and at the same time discussed something else. Everything I tell my mother, my sister will find out in five minutes and vice versa. They are not bothered to immediately call me back and discuss, clarify my news. When I tried to protest against this as a child, my mother replied that we were one family and there was nothing to hide. What kind of openness are we talking about? Of course, my mother is offended that I don’t tell her anything. But how to talk to someone who does not want and cannot listen, cannot help but judge, and does not know how to store information? My sister’s customary attitude towards my mother infuriates me; I consider her a hypocrite and despise her. My sister doesn’t know how to listen in a conversation, she doesn’t let anyone talk, she constantly interrupts. She talks in front of everyone about the smallest unnecessary details of her life, the lives of her friends, her friends’ friends, her friends’ friends’ friends, etc. In everyday life, she is also not a very pleasant person: she can blow her nose loudly in front of everyone, drink water from the spout of a common jug, yell at her child, etc. Joint gatherings with parents are torture for my husband and me. But by the will of our mother, we must appear and serve the allotted time. If mom is offended or doesn’t like something, she will never say anything about it. She will purse her lips, remain silent, not call, and speak dryly and reservedly. This person never shows his emotions clearly. If at least once my mother openly expressed her attitude to what was happening to me, I would attack her with a flurry of accumulated feelings, because my patience is at its limit. But this is not the case. My husband is very worried, seeing that I am nervous and how my mood deteriorates every time I need to meet or ask my mother for something. I try not to see her and not call her again, only when necessary. I am only fulfilling my duty as a daughter by paying tribute to my parents. But resentment towards my mother eats away at me and undermines my strength. And my mother takes offense at me in response. Tell me how to work through and get rid of all this negativity? How can I make my relationship with my mother more positive, more fulfilling?
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