As a rule, all novels begin beautifully: flowers, poems, sweets, boat trips, meetings at the monument and romantic gatherings on a bench in the city center. If they end, then in different ways: after betrayal or even without thinking about it, by mutual agreement or on the initiative of one of the partners, with confusion, or, conversely, easily and freely. After realizing this, the question always arises: “What to do next?” Should you take a break to rest and sort out your feelings, or is it better to start a new relationship as soon as possible?
The question at first glance is simple, there are only two possible answers to it. But every opinion has its supporters and opponents. Some people think that they need to switch quickly, while others think that they need to be alone with themselves. Who is right?
Head over heels
A small soap opera based on real events, codenamed “breakups and their role in personal life.” Christina broke up with Pavel. They lived together for two years, went on vacation to the most exotic corners of the world and made plans for the future. Therefore, when Christina packed her things, called a taxi, moved in with a friend and began monitoring websites in search of separate housing, it came as a surprise to everyone. On Facebook, her status quickly changed to “single,” and when asked by friends about the reasons for the breakup, she answered in all seriousness: “I fell out of love!” Happens.
The situation seems clear - Pavel is suffering, and Christina is flying on the wings of freedom to a bright new future, where it will be more and more passionate, interesting, and where there certainly should be love. But within a month they both find new partners. Pavel meets a girl through friends who doesn’t even remotely resemble Christina, and it seems to him that this will distract and entertain him, and will offend his ex. After all, photos with a new busty passion appear on Facebook with the regularity of a daily news publication. He's really having fun, but he can't seem to get distracted. A few months later it turns out that new girl, whatever one may say, she’s really not Christina and not ideal at all. However, he almost doesn’t give a damn about Christina anymore. Yes, and she lives her own life. In the interim, another victim appears in the story, and Pavel experiences another breakup. Two breakups in a short period of time are another test for any psyche.
To be continued. Christina, not having time to enjoy freedom and loneliness, which, according to her, was sorely lacking before, also begins a new relationship. It’s hard to resist when a new fan showers you with flowers, praises you, hangs on every word and wish, and tries to please. But after a while, she, just like her ex, understands that, despite the beautiful courtship, words and actions, this is not the person we need. And since the memories of the breakup are still alive, it is still difficult to believe in a better outcome. Another victim appears, and this time Christina, instead of a feeling of lightness and freedom, receives anxiety, uncertainty about herself and the future. Doubts are added about the correct understanding of what she needs, who she needs and what she wants. Life becomes more and more stupid and meaningless, and she begins to consider herself an insensitive monster.
There is no crime in the situation, as they say “people meet, people fall in love, get married.” They also disperse, leave, and meet others. This is fine. All I had to do was pause. Any separation requires analysis. Painful or mild, long or fast, calm or bordering on the desire to die. It is important to stop, think, and draw conclusions. People are quite often in a hurry, rather trying to start a new relationship after a divorce and causing more pain to themselves and those they involve. What to do? Go into soul-searching and be sad while looking out the window? Write down your experiences in a notebook, cherish your fears, or maybe immediately make an appointment with a psychotherapist?
Put it on pause
A psychotherapist, of course, is a way out, but you can try to go a different route. Pavel is certainly right about one thing: getting distracted and having fun is one of the important transition stages. But it is not necessary to be distracted by a new object. You need to entertain yourself, although it is difficult. After all, moving into the status of a “lone wolf”, you have to learn to entertain yourself on your own. Almost like in the joke about red caviar - you have to force yourself.
Loneliness is a wonderful thing, you just need to know how to use it correctly. When in a relationship, we often lose the pronoun “I” in the pronoun “we”, not only at the lexical level. Parting is a reason to remember that it is “I” who love and don’t love, without regard to anyone else. Remember what “I” get pleasure from and understand what I continue to do out of habit. Loneliness is a reason to take time for yourself. Starting from any beauty treatments to abandoned hobbies that you never had enough time for while you were in a relationship. And then there are relatives, friends, former classmates, classmates and simply like-minded people whom you met on the Internet, but could not meet. Active and positive solitude is useful, but how long it will last: a month, three or a year is up to you to decide. When you enter into a new relationship, you will have a chance not to repeat past mistakes. In addition, when you are self-sufficient and interesting, you are more likely to spot someone who will be interesting not because they “resemble Vasya” or, on the contrary, are not at all like him, but opposites attract. You can open a new chapter in your life without looking back at the past.
It's better to do and regret than not to do and regret
Of course, there are exceptions to any rule. Here you are walking down the street, all teary and upset, rolling around on wheels with an unhappy look, thinking about what kind of scoundrel your ex has been for half an hour. And here he is! He grabs your suitcase, puts you in the car, hands you a damp napkin with the scent of chamomile, and now “in a silver car you are in a Tarantino movie.” And live happily ever after. This is exactly the story that happened to Olesya. After breaking up with Igor, the girl did not leave the house for a week. Her condition has already begun to worry her relatives. Sergei just had the wrong apartment, but when he saw Olesya crying, he decided to cheer her up. He practically pulled him out to a nearby coffee shop, fed him ice cream and took him for a walk. Sergei did not feel sorry for Olesya, did not console her, did not try to become her vest. But they have been together for five years now, they got married three years ago, and a year ago they had a wonderful baby Alyosha.
Now it’s no longer relevant to find out whether Olesya managed to tell Sergei something like “I’m afraid of a new relationship” or at least think about it. Sometimes life throws up romantic plots that are much more twisted and less believable than in the movies. Well, pauses can be short or long, but not always necessarily “Moscow Art Theater”.
A pause that is too long is an extreme. At a minimum, because entering into a new relationship becomes difficult, and the further you go, the more difficult it becomes. It begins to seem that being alone is easier, freer, and safer. No one will offend, no one will limit, no need to adapt to anyone. And there is less chance of making mistakes again. Life passes in pursuit of an invented, non-existent ideal; none of the real men can stand comparison with it. Anyone can hurt, and no one can guarantee that sooner or later the new relationship will not end. The fear of separation becomes prevalent. By being afraid to fail, we miss opportunities, actually limiting ourselves. And if time is running, and you are all cautious, left alone and can’t press the desired button, it’s worth wondering where it is and why the mechanism has been idle for so long.
Probably, the present feeling can be frightened or confused by mixing it with other feelings left over from the past. A breakup is always stressful, but how can you understand that it is love in a tense situation? It is difficult to evaluate a new relationship objectively without comparing it with the one that just ended. The secret is that the new relationship cannot be better or worse. They are different. Feel the difference.
If you moved your things to another apartment, put a divorce stamp in your passport, or officially announced the separation on social networks, this does not mean that the relationship is over. They continue while you return to the situation over and over again, review photographs, spy on ex-love in the Internet. You won’t be able to quickly forget about the past; this will take some time.
When a flower is transplanted into another pot, at first it withers in the new conditions, even though there is more space and better soil. He needs time to adjust and blossom. People are more complex, so you need it too.
Focus on taking care of yourself first and take your time. Move at your own pace. If you don't get over the pain of your previous relationship, a new one will only add to your problems.
Before starting a new relationship after a divorce or separation, wait a little. Or a lot - it depends on how hard the breakup was for you. In my opinion, if a relationship lasted several years, then you should start building a new one no earlier than a year after the breakup.
Oleg Ivanov, psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Resolution of Social Conflicts
Breaking up a relationship is traumatic for both parties involved. It doesn’t matter who initiated it, why you broke up, or whether there are reasons for joy and relief. It will hurt. To be brave and pretend that you don't care is not the best choice. Ignoring the problem cannot heal mental wounds.
It is necessary to restore yourself, starting with basic needs. First, establish a sleep and nutrition routine. As soon as the basic segments return to normal, you can begin to move towards communication with loved ones. Don't rush to make new acquaintances right away. First you need to feel the ground under your feet again and lick your wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and from whom you can receive love and care. And only after that, gradually go out into society and add new hobbies and activities.
Nadezhda Efremova, psychotherapist
Parting hits hard. You may doubt your attractiveness, scold yourself for not being able to maintain the relationship, and feel guilty. All this makes you vulnerable. You can rush into a new relationship to prove to yourself and your past love that you are still great. Or, conversely, be afraid that no one will love you anymore, and start dating just anyone.
After the end of a relationship, a person is often overcome by the fear of loneliness, the inability to live without someone’s support. Such fears are mostly irrational and can be overcome quite easily when communicating with a psychologist. The first thing you need to realize is that no one is irreplaceable and there is absolutely always the opportunity to find a more suitable partner.
Andrey Smirnov, psychotherapist
It is possible that you will not be looking for a person, but for a function - someone who will help you forget, survive, and become different from your past love. And it’s not a fact that such relationships will help you recover and be productive.
Many are so unable to bear it painful sensations from a breakup that they almost immediately decide to move into a new relationship. This story is very similar to walking on thin ice. And in fact, there is no resource in it - continuous internal tension. Starting a new relationship from a place where everything hurts and bleeds is like running with a broken leg and pretending you're fine.
Nadezhda Efremova
When you leave a long-term relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game. You haven’t flirted seriously for a long time, you’ve gotten older. The old templates no longer work. We'll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how it works.
In a long relationship, you somehow get used to your partner, somewhere giving in to him, somewhere giving up your desires and habits. Loneliness - a great opportunity return to the original version of yourself. It will not be possible to reset your personality to basic settings, and this is not necessary: you have matured, gained experience and changed. Now you can afford to decide on your own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to your partner’s opinion.
The theory of halves sounds nice. But it’s better to come into a relationship whole and build it with an equally self-sufficient partner.
Before starting a new relationship, take care of your own well-being, career, and health. If a person is successful and independent, a queue of potential partners forms for him. And he slowly chooses with whom he is more comfortable. So after the end of the relationship, it is best to live without a partner for some time and strengthen your own position. This does not mean that you need to abandon all meetings. They provide great emotional support, even if they do not lead to the creation of relationships.
Andrey Smirnov
There is usually a reason for a breakup, even if you separated amicably and without . To avoid repeating the same mistakes in your next relationship, you need to understand where you took a wrong turn. Moreover, this is not at all about reshaping oneself to a generally accepted standard. On the contrary, you have to understand yourself and accept yourself in order to choose more suitable people.
Ideally, no matter how trivial it may sound, you should go to a psychologist or psychotherapist to sort this out together with a specialist. Very often, a break in a relationship follows a repeating scenario. AND collaboration with a psychologist will help you find and understand internal reasons who are drawn into this scenario and trigger destructive relationships.
Alexander Bodrov, consultant psychologist, coach
In addition, pay attention to possible mistakes in interaction with your partner. There are things that are easy to learn. But many people ignore them because they simply don’t think that it was possible. For example, it is not necessary to demand telepathic abilities from your partner, and then be offended that he could not read thoughts. If you accept that this is impossible and express your desires and feelings, life will become much easier.
To protect yourself from repeating the previous scenario, you need to take time to work on your mistakes. For example, to realize where the merger occurred and which of the partners completely dissolved themselves in the other. Maybe at some point they were too lazy to talk about the conflict, and the breakup is just the result of a resentment that did not find a way out. After a detailed analysis, you can see the points that need adjustment. If you don’t do this, then you can, with the grace of a hippopotamus, run into a similar relationship and go to a new round of the same scenario, just with a different person.
Nadezhda Efremova
Overall, it is important to remember that everyone is different and the way you interact with a new partner will be different.
With a new person, ordinary techniques and habits will not work. There is no need to communicate with him in the same way as you are used to talking with ex-husband or wife. You should not idealize your new partner, try to see real person with all its advantages and disadvantages.
Oleg Ivanov
Don't do a search new love an end in itself. Even if you've done great job over yourself, striving for relationships for the sake of relationships is a strange idea.
At first, I generally recommend not focusing on searching. Serious relationships. It is much more important to believe in yourself again, feel wanted, and increase your self-esteem. It is important to gain new experience and remember forgotten communication skills with the opposite sex. Learn to trust. For now, there will be enough smooth, calm relationships (not necessarily love), thanks to which your life will become better.
Oleg Ivanov
How did you cope with the breakups? Share your experience in the comments.
Unfortunately, love sometimes passes, and the contradictions in a couple, as divorce lawyers say, become irreconcilable. Many people quickly recover from a breakup and begin to build new relationships, but what if the emotional trauma was too deep? ELLE suggests going through five steps of “rehabilitation” to get out of a difficult situation with your head held high and a firm intention to live happily.
How to get over a breakup? Don’t try to mask the pain and resentment after a breakup - cry and feel sorry for yourself properly. Many psychologists recommend creating a whole ritual for this: sit on the floor in the center of an empty room and cry your heart out for a couple of hours. The desire to whine throughout the day should disappear after this. In television programs dedicated to separation (Ex-Wives Club, Reboot, Take It Off Now, etc.), experts also recommend getting rid of personal belongings left in the house ex-lover by any means at hand. We support: out of sight, out of mind! Great option for dumping negative emotions There will also be exercises in the gym - dancing will lift your spirits, and boxing will help you burn off some steam.
If before you literally could not imagine life without a partner, then after breaking up you will certainly experience a feeling of emptiness: who to spend your evenings with now, who to cook breakfast for, why go shopping and plan a vacation, how to start new life? Instead of couples' entertainment, we advise you to take care of yourself. For example, learn a new hobby that you never had enough time for before. For example, Jennifer Aniston got over her breakup with Brad Pitt with the help of yoga. The moral is easy to guess: it is more effective to concentrate on self-development and strive forward than to stall in place.
Don’t be afraid to be weak and pour out your heart to those you trust, although you shouldn’t overuse too many conversations with close friends, because they also have the right to rest. An electronic game diary for iOS can be an assistant in this case. Essentially, this is a coach that is always at your fingertips: the app gives daily tasks to help you cope with emotional pain, regain self-confidence and, ultimately, find a new partner. In case of an acute attack of melancholy, feel free to press the SOS button and follow the instructions. Consider that you have found another friend, and he will never be “too busy” to cry into his vest.
No wonder they say that movement is life. No matter how much you want to spend all your days in bed, force yourself to get out of the house for walks or even jogging. At first it will not be easy, but over time the positive result will affect both the emotional background and the physical form. Also, avoid overindulging in cigarettes and alcohol—such unhealthy outlets have been proven to ultimately make the condition worse and provoke feelings of guilt. Moreover, while drunk, you risk committing actions that you may regret.
A guilt complex often accompanies breakups. Surely you also think that you could be more accommodating in a relationship, look better, speak less harshly. If there really were mistakes, let them help you learn lessons for the future, but not become a reason for self-flagellation. Instead of regretting the past, start keeping a journal and write down your most desired personal goals for the next month, year and five years, and then make a list of small steps that will lead you to them. Think about what you can do for your happiness today and how to start a new life?
This is an obvious mistake, but your brain may mask it behind an excuse like hanging out with friends. And now you are already having lunch with mutual friends or just the two of you, going to the movies, meeting at a bar, having get-togethers at home.
From this your emotional attachment towards the ex-partner only intensifies.
Plus, you're putting yourself through absolute hell while simultaneously trying to accept that the relationship no longer exists and getting drunk with happiness when you hug him or her goodbye.
Continuing to believe that you are the only person who can understand your ex-partner only fuels the illusion. And all the nightly heart-to-heart conversations drag you deeper into the quagmire of the past. Don't forget that despite all the intimacy, both or one of you chose to end the relationship.
Text your ex to see how they are doing. Write to tell them you got the job. Be sure to tell him that you still consider him a friend. And be sure to write again if previous messages remained unanswered - what if he simply didn’t notice them? This is a great way to be in a state of perpetual anticipation and not move on.
We are talking, firstly, about literal stalking, when you find out the location of your ex-partner by hook or by crook and, as if by chance, run into him in a bar. This is a warning sign: it smells.
The same applies to the endless checking of his social networks. Who did he add as friends, what does he do, what does he write about? You hope that this person is still suffering, but he, quite possibly, has already recovered from the breakup or even entered into a new relationship.
Unless you're a masochist, stop following your ex's life. At least for a while, until the first pain subsides.
Every time you remember your ex, even if not in the kindest terms, it seems to materialize in the present. And the more you talk about him (good and bad), the more diligently you invite him back into your life.
Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Your goal should be neutrality.
There is no need to look for unnecessary excuses for meetings when the decision to break up has already been made. Even if you need to return his or her things and pick up yours, you can always ask friends for help or order a courier. And some things can be thrown away altogether: an old toothbrush is unlikely to be of particular value to anyone.
Compensatory relationships do not lead to good things. But it’s even worse if, immediately after a breakup, you try to console your broken heart with an old boyfriend or girlfriend. As a result, he or she will be hurt and you will be ashamed.
If you “suddenly” notice how sweet and charming your friend is, slow down. So as not to lose him.
Often imagine how he suffers or how he hatches a plan to get you back. And, of course, do not think that now he may be relaxing with his friends and enjoying life. Such fixation will help you endure the breakup for a long time and painfully.
A story similar to the previous one. You again become fixated on your ex-partner and torment yourself with ethereal illusions. But what if you are destined to be together? What if not?
To start a new relationship, you need to deal with the old ones. If you rush headlong into looking for a new partner, then most likely:
Another great way to remember how good you had with your loved one. Or feel like a traitor when feelings for your ex are still strong.
At first, it is really difficult to endure the pain. If you finish yourself off with the thought that the main thing love story your life is over and nothing like this is expected again, it will become a thousand times harder. And meeting someone new with a similar mindset in their head is very problematic.
This means that you need to protect yourself as much as possible from accidental collisions.
If you are likely to cross paths on your way to work, change your route. If you can meet at a store or gym, find a new place to shop and exercise.
The same goes for messages and calls. It’s better to temporarily block your ex-partner on social networks or delete his number from your phone than to constantly see him online or in your contacts.
It sounds a little unfair, because you have to give up something. But it's for your own good.
Firstly, physical activity releases happiness hormones, which are so necessary for your condition. Secondly, sports will relieve your head and help relieve tension.
The end of one stage is the beginning of a new one. So with the end of a relationship, you have a chance to change something in your life. You can start with the closet. Just take it apart and throw everything away. Or use your imagination and come up with a new use for them. Finding a new hobby or hobby won’t hurt either.
You finally have plenty of time to meet up with your favorite friends. Use it!
Or at the bottom of a bucket of ice cream. Attempts to numb the pain with alcohol and food lead to reverse effect, you feel even worse.
Better do something really pleasant and useful for yourself. Go to a massage, spa, beauty salon or bathhouse. Just relax, because you deserve it.
What do you think can and cannot be done after a breakup? Share your opinion in the comments.
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