“Loneliness is the biggest enemy on the path to happiness. This is an obstacle that often seems insurmountable to us. The more I think about happiness, the more I realize that the problem of loneliness should not be underestimated or ignored. However, “being alone” and “being lonely” are not the same thing. Loneliness devastates and drains strength, but solitude energizes and puts you in a creative mood.
If I were asked to name the main key to happy life, I would answer without hesitation - strong connections with the people around me. When they are absent, we feel lonely.
Helping others and feeling like someone needs you is a very healing feeling.
When I wrote the book “Better Than Before” about habits and their formation, I thought about whether they can help us cope with this problem? Here are a few habits you need to develop to protect yourself from loneliness.
Babysit your friends' kids so they can finally go to romantic dinner. Join a charity trip to Orphanage, get a dog. Helping and feeling that someone needs you is a very healing feeling. To achieve happiness, it is important not only to receive support, but also to give it.
Maintain contacts with colleagues - go to lunch together, invite them for coffee and do not refuse such invitations yourself, do not miss corporate events. Sign up for group training, go to educational seminars and trainings. There, in addition to acquiring useful skills and knowledge, you will be able to communicate with like-minded people.
Sleep disturbances are one of the first signs of loneliness. Can't fall asleep for a long time, often wake up at night, and during the day you can't get rid of the sleepy state? Break out of this vicious circle. Chronic lack of sleep not only prevents you from making contact with other people, it is also the cause of constant bad mood, which greatly undermines the immune system.
The most important thing is to go to bed at the same time. This is the only way a habit can form.
What to do? Here are a few of my favorite tricks: 30 minutes before going to bed, put away your smartphone and laptop (blue light from their screens disrupts sleep), take a warm shower and apply body cream. Completely, including the heels. I find that once I take an extra couple of minutes to apply the cream to my feet and lightly massage them, I feel completely relaxed. But the most important thing is to go to bed at the same time. This is the only way a habit can form.
Loneliness makes us secretive, suspicious and gloomy. Lonely people find it more difficult than ordinary people to make contact with new people. If you notice such changes in yourself, and perceive every new acquaintance negatively in advance, then try to become more open. Get into the habit of being the first to start a conversation, smiling at baristas in coffee shops and salespeople in stores.
Don't ask yourself, "What's wrong with me?" or “When will this end?” The right question to ask yourself is, “What exactly do I need to stop being lonely?” Maybe you just need a best friend. Or a romantic partner. Or you want to be part of a large and friendly group. Or maybe you just don’t like living alone in an empty apartment?
There are many causes and types of loneliness. Not all people want to have close friends if they have a husband or wife. Not all people like big companies; some prefer to while away their time in the company of those closest to them. But once you are honest with yourself and understand what exactly you lack to be happy, it will be very easy to overcome loneliness. With the help of these habits, for example.”
Gretchen Rubin- lawyer, blogger, author of the book “Better than before” (Crown, 2015). Her website.
Many people are familiar with the feeling of loneliness. It can be a fleeting sensation or a constant depressing state.
All people are unique, and therefore their needs for communication and the amount of time spent in society are varied. Some people need to be alone to rest, think, and reflect. For others, it is vital to be among people, to attract attention. But both of them can experience a pressing and unpleasant feeling of loneliness. After all, the division into extroverts and introverts is quite arbitrary. And most people can be classified as ambiverts, combining to one degree or another the qualities of the first two types.
There are emotional and social loneliness.
The first type occurs in a situation where a person does not have strong emotional ties with significant people (parents, spouses, friends). Increased anxiety, feelings of despair and personal vulnerability are inherent in this condition. Depression often develops against the background of emotional loneliness.
The second type occurs when a person has lost strong social ties, for example due to a change of place of residence, work, or study. A feeling of social isolation, lack of purpose, and boredom accompany this condition.
When loneliness becomes a problem, you should not revel in this feeling, but try to cope with it.
It is better to treat this condition as an opportunity to understand yourself. Use loneliness as a “springboard” to move to another level of personal development.
And first you need to understand what type of loneliness you experience. What exactly is missing? It is also important to accept that loneliness is just a feeling, and a large number of people on Earth are experiencing it.
The basis for overcoming loneliness is the following changes:
To change your thinking you need:
The ability to understand and express your feelings will help cope with more than just loneliness. In order to deal with emotions and experiences, it is best to keep a diary. By recording and analyzing your feelings, you can understand at what exact moment the feeling of loneliness arises and what provokes it. Having thus understood the source of the problem, you can find a way to solve it.
Thinking (its type) shapes the reality around us. People prone to negative thinking only notice the negativity around them. And eternal mental dissatisfaction with the world leads to the fact that a person experiences only negative emotions.
If you expect a positive outcome from future events, then this is more likely to happen. Even if not everything goes smoothly, it is better to note the positive aspects and not dwell on the negative ones.
Having received an invitation to a party (corporate event, alumni meeting), you should not refuse with the thought that you will be bored the whole evening; it is better to think that this is an opportunity to make new acquaintances or have a pleasant conversation.
In order to think positively, you should begin to rebuild negative thoughts by adding positivity to them. Not: “My classmates don’t understand me,” but: “I don’t have friends at the university yet, but I will find them.” It's quite difficult, but if you start small, you can achieve success. You should spend 10 minutes a day tracking negative thoughts and reformulating them. And when it starts to work out without difficulty, increase the time. Ideally, this process should take place throughout the day. This will help you look at the world differently.
It is also necessary to stop dividing the world into black and white. Just because it’s bad now doesn’t mean it will always be that way. It is necessary to stop these thoughts.
If worries about “eternal loneliness” haunt you, it is better to remember situations when communication left a feeling of mutual understanding. And also that this was not always the case.
Practical actions could be as follows:
To get rid of loneliness, it is important to fill the day with interesting and enjoyable activities. Probably everyone will be able to remember what they always wanted to learn (drawing, programming, dancing, embroidery, playing the guitar). Having found something to his liking, a person brings positive emotions into his life.
It’s difficult to get rid of loneliness if you live in a home-work mode all the time and while away your evenings watching TV or watching TV series online. Walking in nature helps improve your emotional state. Take a walk in the park, make it a pleasant habit, and negative thoughts will recede.
In order not to sit at home in the evenings, you can buy a subscription to a fitness club, swimming pool, drawing or dance studio. The main thing is that the activity brings pleasure.
And it’s easier to get to know each other if you share the same hobby.
You can also find like-minded people on the Internet on thematic forums or in groups in in social networks. Virtual communication with people with similar views often turns into reality.
Having a pet can help you cope with feelings of loneliness. The main thing is that communication with a cat or dog does not completely replace communication with people.
You can take your mind off thoughts of loneliness by participating in volunteer projects. Visit children in boarding schools, lonely old people, or help homeless animals. Participation in volunteer organizations helps to build stronger emotional connections and get more pleasure from communication. And all this will help overcome loneliness.
It is important, trying to get rid of the oppressive feeling of loneliness, to be attentive to new acquaintances. A person experiencing strong negative experiences is vulnerable and can easily become “easy prey” for various manipulators. You can understand that a new friend is not interested in healthy and warm communication by the following signs:
Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling, but you can overcome it and at the same time enrich your inner world. The main thing is not to feel sorry for yourself and not to slide into negativity, but to gradually change your lifestyle and thoughts.
There is probably not a single person who has not experienced a feeling of loneliness throughout his life. Psychologists know: there is no antidote to this condition, which would be a list of specific actions. But there are ways to improve social interaction! Here are some recommendations from experts.
On average, sociologists say, every fifth person suffers from constant loneliness. Knowing this can bring us some comfort, because it indicates that a huge number of people are familiar with the feeling of loneliness (in its various forms and manifestations)! This may include physical separation from family and friends, emotional distance, or feelings of isolation. Sometimes we think that we are the only ones who worry about image, overweight suffers from embarrassment or financial problems. But in reality this is not true.
There is a difference between company and communication: the former may involve polite small talk, while the latter may involve intimate heartfelt conversation. When we feel lonely, we are most likely hoping to experience the latter. However, knowing what you need to avoid feeling lonely is key. Observe your emotions and define your own understanding of loneliness.
People are social creatures. It is important to understand that people experiencing loneliness have not done anything wrong. None of us are immune to feelings of isolation, just as we are not immune to feelings of hunger or physical pain. You should know that the desire to communicate is a real need.
Lonely people tend to blame themselves or sometimes others for their isolation, it is important to remember that loneliness is an epidemic shaped by many forces: the spread of social networks, job changes, divorces, single-parent families, the promotion of loneliness and the fast pace of life... We need to acknowledge everything this is to take some of the burden off yourself.
One small step we can take towards unity is to simply look at someone. Making eye contact with a passerby can make both parties feel a little more in touch with the rest of the human race.
Find an organization that supports a cause you care about so you can surround yourself with people who have open hearts for the same mission.
Volunteering is not only the ultimate antidote to loneliness, it is also a means to meet others or do a good deed. It's a way to feel needed. Helping those who need us is a wonderful form of intimacy that is sure to reduce feelings of isolation. By the way, you don’t have to go to the ends of the earth to do a good deed. You could help a neighbor rearrange furniture or work at a shelter for the elderly, children, or animals.
A note from a friend or loved one can be a pleasant surprise in a mailbox full of newspapers and announcements. A paper letter is a great way to cheer up both yourself and the other person. Don't know who to write to? Try giving a note to a stranger.
In our obsession material assets In culture, we tend to blame loneliness on the lack of material possessions. You might even think that a financial boost would lift us out of social isolation. We think that extra money will give us the resources to dine out at fancy restaurants or take long trips. We think it will make us happier, and therefore less lonely. Not so simple! Keep in mind that wealth does not eliminate loneliness. Boston College researchers have found that people with enormous wealth are not immune to anxiety, loneliness and unhappiness.
Instead of connecting us, social media can exacerbate feelings of isolation. It's not so much that social media itself is bad, but rather how we use it. One study explains that mindlessly scrolling your feed makes us lonelier, but actively planning offline events on social networks can significantly improve the situation.
Try telling someone they look good. Or what does he have beautiful eyes. Pay attention to what the person himself may have overlooked. You will see a stranger smile at you. That smile will surely melt your heart.
Common interests are an excellent remedy connections with others. We can't guarantee that our fellow antique enthusiasts will become our new best friends or that similar tastes in cinema will make us feel close to a stranger, but we can say that the hobby increases our chances of meeting like-minded people with whom we'll have a lot of fun. general.
The thought of traveling alone can be unappealing to some and tempting to others. Being alone in another country means making contacts with strangers. It's easy to imagine how bad things will go or to believe that this person won't want to talk to you, but if you reach out, almost everyone will reach out in return!
Science tells us that regularly attending a religious community can help prevent colds and lower blood pressure. In addition, anthropologists have found that social support among members of faith groups is particularly cohesive.
Loneliness can be caused by the death of a spouse, job loss, or personal struggles with illness. If so, consider joining a support group for people facing a similar problem. Whatever your problem, there are people out there who have experienced something similar.
It can be easy to think that feelings of loneliness will go away if you start a romantic relationship. But love and romance are not cures for loneliness! You may feel close to someone you are not in love with. And even if you are in love, you may not have access to your partner’s inner world, psychologists say.
It has been scientifically proven that music is good for health, and it also makes people happy. Upbeat melodies can change our mood, allow us to get in touch with positive memories or inspire us! Plus, there's a chance that some lyrics will make us feel less lonely or even more in touch with our loneliness.
Contact your inner voice Having a sense of humor and a dose of kindness is helpful at any time, but especially when you feel lonely. If you learn to be best friend for yourself, you will become less dependent on others and gain self-confidence!
If you've been frustrated by social situations in the past, it's easy to miss an invitation to dinner or your friend's birthday party. You know yourself and how you might feel in social situations. However, it can be helpful to step out of your comfort zone by simply attending an event. Plus, you never know where you'll meet better man In my life!
Cultivating a rich inner world will allow you to enjoy your inner life. Intelligent processing of thoughts, ideas, reflections, and new information is a form of intellectual and emotional pleasure that can transform sadness into curiosity and meaning.
Suicide.
Lately I have been haunted by thoughts of suicide... the paradox is that I really understand that life is wonderful, I have learned to love, and I understand that everything that happens to me is all for my good, all good and bad situations are everything only teaching me as a person, I’m good, I help others, I want to give happiness... but I have no one... I realize that everything is wonderful, that life is wonderful and it’s worth living.. but still I’m not I feel needed... I know that I am beautiful and people pay attention to me, but what is the use of this beauty?!? who should I give it to?? I have a wonderful figure..so what’s the point??? I don’t have a loved one...probably this is the point, there are always crowds around, but again, what’s the point?!?!? if there is no one?!?! I have some kind of a dump in my head!! dump of everything!! and I really want to figure it out, but I understand that it’s pointless!!! from this dump - I have obsessions...I can do anything!! everything that comes to my mind!!! then I take it and do it... on the one hand I feel happiness from this, and then I either don’t complete it, or when I complete it I understand why!?!? Who am I doing this for!??!? I constantly feel lonely... and unnecessary... senseless, stupid... there are some shortcomings in everything... less than ideal, imperfection... and I can’t finish something... bad and lonely. ..I don’t see myself in anything, I don’t have any worries...I want to go on vacation, I’m saving up for travel..but right now I’m thinking, why do I need it?!?! to go alone?? on the one hand, the soul asks.. on the other hand, why?!?!? in general, they give up at the most inopportune moment...always...I don’t know how to deal with this...I don’t see the point...more precisely, I understand how you can instead live positively and help others..but I don’t want to do it..just I don’t want to...only my loved ones stop me from committing suicide...I understand that it will be difficult for them if I’m not there, they will be very sad...for now I’m holding on...I’m trying to distract myself from such thoughts, I’m filling my schedule with hobbies to the maximum...but that’s all anyway...it seems like I’ll soon burst from this lifestyle...always alone ((horror, maybe help with advice...thank you...
Support the site:
Yankee, age: 22 / 08/22/2011
Responses:
I can imagine how it feels for you! Just hang in there, okay? This will pass, maybe not right away, but it will pass. Don’t lose hope for good things. Imagine that with my response I give you a talisman against all troubles. May it bring you relief and spiritual harmony!
Aigulya, age: 34 / 08/23/2011
Each person has their own pros and cons. Ideal people do not exist... So children's maximalism can be thrown into the trash. Surely there are a lot of people around who need you... No one guarantees you that you will never have a loved one.
I recommend watching the movie
Rusik, age: 22 / 08/24/2011
It is impossible to fill your life with hobbies and work alone without your soul hurting. Any undertaking can be stopped by the question “why?..”. However, there are some cases that do not care about this issue. These are works of mercy. Why are they made? Nothing, unselfishly. More precisely, not “why”, but “for what”, “for whom”. For Christ's sake. Go to the website Mercy.ru. Read the magazines Foma, Pravmir. Your life is empty because there is no God in it. Some people don’t care about this, but your soul cannot live without Him, it doesn’t see the point... Start living with God and gradually you will feel solid ground under your feet, strength, goals, and meaning will appear.
Maria, age: 48 / 08/24/2011
Watch the movie "Polyanna" - you will see how a little girl enjoys life and cures everyone around her of depression, and you will feel ashamed of your blues! Live and enjoy life, and most importantly, give more, and don’t just wait for pleasure for yourself. And you know - giving, helping someone is very pleasant and elevates you so much in your own eyes, you so want to live and help others - the disabled, the poor and the helpless, you understand that there are people who are a hundred times WORSE than YOU!!!
Olga, age: 50 / 08/24/2011
Hello. Don't be sad. The main thing is to believe that real love will come. Let it not be tomorrow, but when you are ready for it. Once upon a time, fate gave me love, but I received this gift earlier than I was ready for it. I'm sure everything will be fine with you, just a little later.
AsmoDey, age: 29 / 08/24/2011
Dear Yankee! I understand you very well. At this stage of my life, I also feel unnecessary, incomplete and unfinished. I'm 33, everything is fine in my head (so it seems to me). I recently changed my place of residence: not only the city, but also the country. Did it alone. Here now new job, which I have not yet fully mastered and do not feel confident in, new town, which I don’t know very well yet. True, I already have acquaintances here, but they are still almost strangers. A man also appeared, but I don’t know him well either; a lot of things, naturally, still worry me. So, I think I understand your situation. I often ask myself why I am, who I am, why I am doing all this. Sometimes it seems that the answer has been found, and sometimes, on the contrary, it is lost. But you know, I’m sure that everything that happens in our lives is studying and exams. A test of how we can handle the situation. No need to give up! Only after passing one stage can you move on to the next. you know you can't go to high school without finishing 8th grade. So it is here. We need to mature, we need to go through. And then everything will be fine. Don’t ask why for some people everything comes somehow easier, but for you and me, it’s like we reach the stars through thorns. Apparently, this is our path and this is how it should be! So let's go through it with dignity! All the best to you!
Olchik, age: 33 / 08/24/2011
Hello.
Tell me, if you help people, how can you feel useless? God himself has a reward for this! For example, I wrote a response here, it’s like a drop that fell on the scale in the mind of the person who read it. If he had not written, the person would have committed suicide. Because it was the last step between the opportunity to change something and the eternal destruction of his soul. If I hadn’t written it, it would seem like nothing for you. And for him there is ETERNAL DEATH AND SUFFERING OF THE SOUL. There is no way to change anything. And evidence that this help is truly effective are words of gratitude from people who previously sought help. People who work on this site every day, to the detriment of their own personal lives, and constantly update the list of requests for help, know that this makes sense. If you don't do it, no one will do it. And hundreds, thousands of people will go to hell. Isn't it worth it to save someone's soul, even at the expense of yourself? Save thousands and hundreds of thousands of other people, their relatives, acquaintances from the grief of despair and guilt for the rest of their lives, even their own future children? It all makes sense. And it's not just about this site. This is about any good deed that you can do. To keep your hands from stopping at the most inopportune moment, you need to go all the way. And then think about it. If you feel in your heart that the matter is worthwhile, go straight, don’t turn aside and don’t be afraid. You're only 22. Everyone has their soul mate. Pray to God, you will definitely meet your one again young man. Just to each his own time. And it wouldn’t hurt to just force yourself sometimes. Like it or not, but if necessary, you can be patient! This is how the will is trained. In any case, always be with God.
Sergey K, age: 28 / 08/28/2011
| Latest requests for help |
| 22.07.2019
The whole family is not my family. Peers are being bullied. The person I love doesn't understand... I just want to die. |
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It happens that you feel lonely because he is late at work, and at home he is constantly looking at the computer or phone screen. The solution here is simple - try to spend more time together, making sure to explain to him the essence of the problem.
If it’s a matter of fading feelings, you need to work on them. Love is not a collection of “checkmarks” on a list, and no psychotherapist will force you to care and please each other.
If you feel lonely, ask yourself a few questions and act on the honest answers to them.
Understanding your feelings is most important. Remember what your first months and years of life together were like, evaluate the current situation. The best thing to do is write down your thoughts and think about when you started to pull away.
Popular
Love can hide under judgment, sadness and fear. It is difficult to love a person who constantly humiliates you and does not value you. Analyze your behavior and his. Maybe it was always like this, you just didn’t notice?
Good relationships take time and concentration, and we often simply blame others for not making us happy enough. Calm down and think about what exactly you are missing and how to get it.
The answer is usually no. The phrases “no one owes anyone anything” and “you can’t be alone when there are so many opportunities in the world” are insidious - not every experience fits them. Don't be fooled, a person can be lonely even in a crowd.
Necessarily! This is very important information for your relationship. Refrain from blaming and think with him about how you can change the situation and restore the emotional connection so that you no longer feel alone.
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