Why do children fight? This often worries parents. It seems that everything is calm in the family, and proper upbringing has been given. At the same time, the child periodically gets into fights. Where was the mistake made? Why do children fight? What are the reasons for the fight and how to correct the situation?
Before you start raising a child and teaching that fighting is wrong, you need to find out why the child behaves this way. The main reasons for this behavior may be the following:
The main reasons are described above, but it is also worth noting the secondary ones. So why do little children fight?
The above describes why children fight. Knowing the reasons, you can find a way out of any situation. It is better to eradicate such behavior at the beginning of its occurrence and not wait until it is too late.
Why do children fight in the garden or at school? Before you start a conversation with your child about the fight, you need to talk with everyone involved in the incident. Each child will express their point of view, and each will have their own truth.
You should not scold your child, even if he is the instigator and even if he is wrong. The child must know that fighting is not a way out of the situation; you can find a solution using words. If the child wanted to prove his truth with a fight, then he should be made to understand that it is better to prove it with action. It will be more convincing.
If you immediately punish a child after a fight (since it turns out that he is to blame), then the child will only harbor a grudge. And this will be the reason for the next quarrel and fight. It may also be that the child will simply stop fighting back (he will be afraid of punishment) and anyone who wants to will take it out on him.
Common reasons fights is:
Why does a child fight at two years old? Answering this question is a little more difficult. A child at this age cannot yet fully explain his behavior. Here you should assess the situation in the family and analyze the situation itself, which led to the fight.
The main reason for quarrels and fights is the desire to show one's superiority. It is the responsibility of parents to let their child (at any age) understand that fighting will not solve problems. The kid should be able to stand up for himself, but he shouldn’t be the instigator of a fight. You need to try to find out the cause of the quarrel and find a compromise. The child must know that smart people solve all problems with deeds, and the weak with their fists.
Even knowing why children fight, it is not always possible to find an approach to the child. Sometimes the help of a psychologist is needed. Perhaps the child just needs to throw out negativity and energy. In this case, it is better to drink sedatives.
Why does a child fight with his parents? It often happens that parents simply laugh and find it funny when a child (for example, one and a half years old) hits his mother, grandmother or sister. And later this results in a serious problem. You need to start fighting fighting from birth.
This is the first reason for fights with relatives. The child feels a sense of permissiveness. Since this amuses the parents, the kid is happy to cheer them up by hitting one of the relatives once again.
The second reason is the desire to attract the attention of relatives. Why does a one-year-old child fight? It's not uncommon for mom and dad to be tired after work. In addition, there are so many household chores, and there is no time for the child. The baby is also tired of being ignored, he needs to express his love and receive the same in return from his parents. Sometimes the time (30 minutes daily) allocated for the baby gives excellent results. You can postpone cooking, washing the floor, and so on - these tasks will not go away, and there will be no problems if you do them in half an hour.
The third reason is that something happened to the child during the day (the drawing didn’t work out, a favorite toy broke, he’s just in a bad mood), and he’s trying to throw out the negativity by hitting one of his relatives. Punishment and scolding are unnecessary here. You must first find out the reason for this behavior and help solve the problem.
Having found out the reason why a child fights with his mother, father, sister, you also need to know the right way out of the situation.
The first thing that comes to parents’ minds is to flog them and put them in a corner (some fathers and mothers believe that “calf tenderness” only spoils the child), conversations are pushed aside. How to properly respond to a child's fight? Psychologists advise the following:
It turns out that when children fight, it often happens that the parents themselves are to blame. The child was simply not given due attention at the right time. The main thing when raising a child is to adhere to the rules of behavior and be prepared for the fact that the child will not learn the lesson the first time. You should ask the grandparents not to spoil the baby.
If a child fights, you first need to find out why the fight happened, have a conversation with the child, and eliminate all provoking factors in the family. And the main thing is to pay attention to the child and his upbringing.
Until recently, your baby was a sweet and affectionate baby whom you hugged and kissed. But suddenly he began to fight with you, pinching you painfully or even biting you. Where does this aggression come from, what is it talking about? If a child bites or hits other children, what should be done to stop this? Parents often make mistakes.
At the age of up to a year or a little older, such behavior in children with biting or fighting is not yet conscious; the baby simply does not understand what he is doing. Usually this behavior does not last long and goes away. But after two years, these are completely conscious actions performed by the child with the aim of causing painful sensations. At the same time, bites and blows are inflicted by the child purposefully, and such behavior should not be ignored - this is fraught with a whole bunch of problems, both with other parents of the injured children, and in the relationship with your baby and you.
Clarifying relationships among children through the use of force is a completely normal way of relationships between children. Often, small local conflicts break out in a garden group or on a playground. And if your 2-year-old child hits other children, you need to treat this correctly. Children test the boundaries of what is permitted, learn to interact with each other, and due to differences in character, clashes can occur. Usually these are not shared toys, places in the sandbox or anything else. In such situations, it is important to do the right thing so as not to perpetuate such behavior in the future and not to provoke scandals with other families.
Parents often turn to psychologists with a question: a child has been fighting for 2 years, what should I do? First of all, your reaction to what is happening and interaction with other parents is important. If you rush to defend your fighter with foam at the mouth, he will understand that he is special, he can do everything like that too. If you start scolding him, feeling sorry for the other little one, he may learn that you can’t do this in front of your parents, and will begin to fight out of your line of sight. Therefore, assess the situation - if the clash does not threaten the children in any way, let them figure it out themselves; often children learn their experience faster after receiving an adequate rebuff. If you have a good relationship with other parents, give them the opportunity to make a comment - sometimes this works faster from other people. If he runs to you to complain, you shouldn’t feel sorry for him, you need to calmly explain that he did something bad and you shouldn’t do that. And also lead the child to reconciliation and apology to the other child. If nothing works, you should use radical remedy- after each fight you leave the team, ceasing all contacts. Deprived of communication, the child will understand his mistakes.
Similar to fighting, children can sometimes bite. These manifestations are not aggression or a sign of bad behavior, they are testing the boundaries of what is permitted. In principle, the question of how to wean a child from biting at 2 years old is similar in tactics to fighting. All points must also be observed. Also, you should never respond to aggression with aggression; the child will understand that you can do it, and so can he. You can't spank and scream, you should be a protector and support, but stop his bad behavior with a stern tone and explanations of what is wrong.
Often on the street and in communication with children, the baby is quite sociable and calm, but often at home a 2-year-old child fights with his parents. This is a test of the boundaries of permitted behavior - “what will happen if I hit?” Often, parents treat this phenomenon incorrectly, being touched by the waving of their fists and aggressive behavior. The end or continuation of such actions will directly depend on your tactics. If a 2-year-old child hits his parents, you cannot do the same in response, hitting back, so that the baby understands that it hurts. He will not be able to understand this, his pain threshold is different, children are insensitive to the pain of others and cannot fully understand their behavior. But they will evaluate aggression in their direction in response in their own way, if adults eat it, then so do I.
Therefore, it is not difficult to answer the question - why does a 2-year-old child beat his mother? This is not a sign of dislike, it is a test of new methods of influence and boundaries of behavior. And it is important to stop such attacks in time. When a 2-year-old child fights with his mother, other family members should take pity on the mother, ignoring the baby. You need to let him know that his actions are wrong without putting on a show. The baby must apologize and feel sorry for his mother.
The baby is fighting... This is a very common complaint from parents. The important thing is that it is the reaction of the mother or father to such behavior of the child that determines whether the baby will continue to fight or not. These recommendations will help you respond correctly to signs of aggression in your baby.
To begin with, it’s worth clarifying:
If your child hits you (bites, pinches, pulls your hair)
If your child hits another child (bites, pinches, pushes, pulls hair)
Mistaken reactions of parents to a child's fight
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Every parent may experience childhood aggression directed at both adults and peers. A previously benevolent baby suddenly begins to throw toys, swing at his mother, bite his sister, or hit a neighbor’s boy on the playground because of his place in the sandbox. Any obstacle in his way causes anger, the child gets angry, screams and tries to prove he is right with his fists. How to act in such a situation? Why does a child fight, how can I direct him in a positive direction?
If a child begins to swing at his parents, it is urgent to find out the reason for the behavior and correct the situationSo, the adult is faced with the child’s aggression. To begin with, there is no need to panic. Experts say that manifestations of aggression in children are associated with the instinct of self-preservation. The baby does not fight out of harm, this is how energy comes out of him. The parent’s task is not to block its flow, but to direct it in another, more positive direction.
When we begin to get angry in response, to scold a fighting child, we make several mistakes at once. This:
As a result of parents' incorrect behavior, children learn the lesson that adults are stronger, but those who are weaker can be attacked. Often such children become the instigators of all fights; they fight in kindergarten and school. In Group kindergarten they scratch and pinch the guys. This should not be surprising - adults showed them such an example.
Literally all people are offended and angry. An adult can cope with his emotions, a child cannot yet. Experiencing negative feelings is completely normal for anyone, including our children. There is no need to be afraid of feelings, but asking yourself a few questions will help. Ask yourself: “Why did my child experience such a storm of feelings, what is the reason?”, “How to teach him to control anger?”
There are several motives that encourage a child to use aggression when resolving a controversial situation or in defense. It’s worth figuring out which one suits yours, and then taking action.
Anger is a normal human reaction; you cannot prevent a child from experiencing such emotions 
If a child experiences aggression at home, then it also becomes the basis of his interaction with others. When parents of a brawler child are asked what they do with their child after aggression, they often answer in the same way. Usually fighters are put in a corner, punished or scolded.
Psychologists assure that the violent method of struggle is of little help and is unconstructive. If you decide to punish, then it is forbidden to hit the baby in response. You only strengthen him in the correctness of aggression! When the need arises to scold, you must definitely say: “I love you very much, but I don’t like this behavior, it upsets me.”
The adult’s task is to explain to the child how to solve the problem. You can hug your child, although it is not easy after a bad deed. You shouldn’t remain silent and ignore; sometimes a parent’s emotional and sincere reaction is remembered better than cold silence.
What should parents of a fighter do? When a small child fights, the strategy might be:
How to stop a child from fighting? Pediatrician Evgeniy Komarovsky expresses the following opinion: “I have a slightly different attitude towards why children show aggression and how to correct such behavior. In some cases, it differs from the advice of psychologists. I believe that the manifestation of a child’s aggression towards adults is associated with the manifestation of certain instincts. At the same time, he also has another instinct - the child will yield if he sees that the one he is physically acting against is stronger. In this case, you should always respond to any physically aggressive act, for example, raising your hand at your mother, with control.
Physical aggression cannot be left unpunished. There are many ways to stop violence, often it starts small and then spreads to an adult. Parents have every opportunity to control the behavior of their children. They are the ones who buy him sweets, turn on cartoons, go for walks and organize social contacts. When he doesn't behave the way we want, he can be limited. It must be taken into account that this topic is still psychological, not pediatric.” The doctor’s method can be applied or used in other ways; Komarovsky is still more of a specialist in pediatric practice.
Here is what psychologist Anna Berdnikova advises: “In order to correctly respond to your child’s aggressive act, you need to listen to your feelings. What do I feel? This is important because our feelings will help us understand what is happening in reality. During an aggressive outburst, you should listen to yourself. How do you feel? Offense? Anger and the desire to defeat the little scoundrel, to show him who is first and in charge here?
It is very important for parents to track how their child’s behavior makes them feel. When you feel offended, you need to figure out what made your child inflict it on you? What is in his soul? How have you offended him or how do you regularly offend him? When you feel angry, there is a destructive relationship between you, there is a struggle for power. In this situation, it is important to take the first step forward - to stop fighting for leadership. Only by understanding the reason can you solve the problem with the brawler.”
What to do if a child fights in kindergarten, at home, on the playground with neighboring children? Recommendations:
Sometimes children find themselves victims of brawlers; this case should be examined separately. Why do children get attacked by their peers? Often two different children grow up in a family. It is worth taking into account the children’s temperament, upbringing characteristics, lability nervous system. When parents cannot cope with a brawler on their own, it is better to consult a specialist for advice and identify the causes of aggression.
psychologist Marina Morozova
If a child fights, many parents feel confused and don't know how to react. “I don’t know what to do anymore. My son fights in kindergarten every day, fights on the playground. I’ve tried everything, nothing helps. I don’t know what to do.”
Of course, each case is individual.
If child fights in kindergarten or school, that is, not in your presence, it can be difficult to understand the situation. It is necessary NOT in front of the child to talk with one of the adults who witnessed the fight, and separately with the child himself. They will most likely have different versions. But if your child clearly explained the reasons for the fight, then most likely he is right. If a child was defending himself or a friend, or his toys, other things, then it is important to teach him to defend himself and defend his interests without a fight, explaining to him that a fight is the most exceptional case.
But a question for you, dear parents, do you know how to protect yourself and your interests?
Under no circumstances should you scold or punish a child; the child may perceive this as injustice towards him, and even betrayal on your part. In the future, this may lead to the fact that he will be careful not to defend himself, and this is necessary for every person to be able to do.
As an example, I will give one case.
The mother of a 10-year-old girl contacted me. Sveta absolutely did not know how and was even afraid to defend herself in various situations with her peers. During the consultation with my mother, the following became clear.
When the girl was 7 years old, in the school yard, her classmate put a large cobblestone in the hood of her coat. Sveta took out a cobblestone, swung it and hit the offender in the face, almost hitting him in the eye, that is, she exceeded the measures of necessary self-defense. For this, the girl was punished both at school and in the family. Since then, she began to be afraid to defend herself, so as not to accidentally harm someone.
If a fight or other manifestation of aggression is a one-time case of self-defense, then it is important to talk with the child, explain to him possible consequences this, but not to scold or punish.
Another thing, if the child constantly starts fights. In this case, it is also important to talk with the child and find out the reasons for this. Maybe your child sees everyone as an enemy. Then, together with him, look for virtues in other children.
Or he punishes other children because they do not want to play (be friends) with him. Then it is important to explain to him that in this way he achieves the opposite result. No one will play or be friends with brawlers. Teach him how to make friends with other children.
Thus, sixth-grader Sergei constantly beat his classmates, but Petya suffered the most. As it turned out from Sergei’s explanations, he had previously tried to make friends with Petya, but he did not want to be friends with the brawler, and now Sergei was taking revenge on him for his rejection. If a child fights, there is always a reason for it. You won't be able to change anything until you find out his motives and reasons.
If the fight happened in front of you, do not scold the child, otherwise he will still fight, but when you are not around. But don’t defend him until you figure out who is right and who is wrong. Such a reaction can lead the baby to a feeling of permissiveness. First, understand the situation.
If your child is wrong, encourage him to apologize to the other child and make peace. If he refuses, then take him home. Explain to him that fighting is bad, but don't tell him that he is bad.
Alone with your child, discuss what the consequences of his pugnacity may be. Let's say the neighbor's boy is offended by him and doesn't want to play with him, other children won't want to play with him either, he can hurt another child, explain that when he hits another, it hurts.
If a child swings at you, catch him and hug him. Hold him until he calms down. After this, tell him that if he is in pain or bad, he can tell you about it.
If he didn’t just swing, but hit you(or fights with you regularly), don't yell at him. It is quite possible that he unconsciously wants to get just such a reaction and thus attracts your attention. On the contrary, say that you are hurt and show with all your appearance that you are offended by him, move away, turn away, leave the room or take him out. Let another family member (if he witnessed the situation) come up to you and feel sorry for you in the presence of the child, but ignoring him, stroke your “sore spot” and show that you are in pain.
Remember that a lot depends on your reaction to your child's fights. Yelling at a child, much less hitting him, is useless and ineffective.
In case of a fight first help your child cope with anger (read about this below), then figure out who is right, who is wrong, who violated existing rules or agreements, and help him come up with several other ways to resolve the conflict.
Most often they say to a fighter: “If you fight, that means you are bad. Petya doesn’t fight, that means he is good.” Remember that you can criticize behavior, but not the child himself. It is very important not to compare your child with other children (to anyone's advantage). In addition, for you, your child is always good, and you love him in any way. And it’s important to tell him this. Perhaps it is no coincidence that the words beloved and any have the same root “love”.
Do not forbid your child to feel and express anger, irritation, anger. Do not use phrases such as “Don’t scream!”, “Don’t get angry!”, “Don’t fight!”, and don’t make him feel guilty for these feelings. Don't tell him stories about how there are children somewhere who never get angry. Help him react correctly in these situations, but first learn how to do it yourself. After all, the child imitates you in everything. Anger is a natural defensive reaction. And it is important not to suppress it, but to learn to give it a way out.
But a lot also depends on your reaction to your child’s aggressive behavior.
Often, when young children are angry, they themselves do not understand what is happening to them. It is important to explain this to them. For example, “You are now angry with Vanya because he took your car to play without asking your permission” or “You are angry with your dad because he does not allow you to play on the computer.”
Sympathize with him: “Of course, this is unpleasant. I understand,” “If I were you, I would also be angry (dissatisfied) if my item was taken without asking.”
How smaller child, the less he realizes what he does in a fit of anger. As a rule, children do not understand that they are hurting others when they fight. And this must be explained to the child in his own language, taking into account his age. In addition, children do not yet know how to control their anger. By the way, do you know how?
Encourage your child to tell you about his feelings.
Teach him to voice his feelings in “I messages”, for example, “I’m angry because you broke my phone,” “I feel bad when my things are taken without asking.” This way, you teach him to express his anger with words rather than actions.
Of course, you can also express your feelings in “I messages”. “I hate that you scattered all your things.”
Show different ways expressions of anger: stomp, clap your hands, crumple and tear paper, cut with scissors, throw soft balls.
“War” games are useful for boys to react to anger, in brave and strong heroes from fairy tales, cartoons, films who defend justice and goodness, in “fights with the dragon, the Serpent Gorynych, Koshchei the Immortal,” in which your son will act as a brave hero and conqueror of evil. In such games, good should always win. Buy military toys for your son: tanks, pistols, swords. With the help of them he will also be able to react to his aggression.
You can also vent your anger in role-playing games, where there is an “aggressor” and a “victim”, for example, “cat and dog”, “cat and mouse”, “wolf (fox) and hare”. It is important: in such games, change places so that the child plays both roles, and any game should end well, on a truce. In role-playing games, it is necessary to show the child the possible consequences of aggression and teach other, peaceful ways to resolve the conflict. Of course, first you must learn them yourself.
Direct his aggression in a different direction For example, he can vent his anger while playing sports. You can hang a punching bag in your home.
You can react with anger in all games where there is an opportunity to hit or kick: these are all simple ball games, football, hockey, badmenton, tennis, basketball, of course, all types of wrestling. Even the simplest exercise will help relieve stress.
During walks, encourage your child to move more, run, and jump. Be sure to dance with your child.
Watch good programs, cartoons and films with your child, read fairy tales in which good defeats evil. Avoid cartoons and films that show violence.
Sing and listen to good, cheerful songs.
Use toys to dramatize scenes from fairy tales and cartoons, from a child’s life (without naming names), role-play different ways to resolve conflicts.
Ask your child to come up with new ways to resolve the situation peacefully. For example, a scene in a sandbox can be played out using the example of two bunnies. One took a toy from the other. What to do in such a situation? For example, play with this toy together, alone or in turns.
I also want to offer you the following games that you can play with your child from time to time, and especially when he is angry.
We choose a separate pillow that we beat, bite, trample, kick when we get angry. At the same time, you can scream directly into your pillow. Then, under no circumstances should you sleep or lie on this pillow. This pillow needs to be stored in a special place.
Sew or pick up a special “magic” bag in which you can talk about your grievances, pain, anger, frustration and other feelings. Explain and show your child how to use it.
“This bag has the magical property of turning unpleasant feelings into calm ones. To do this, you need to open the bag and say everything you feel into it. And then close it (tie it, fasten it with a button). Then this feeling will fall into the bag and remain in it until then until it disappears. This bag will dissolve the bad feeling and you will feel lightness and calmness."
Encourage your child to use the magic bag whenever he is angry, offended, or in a bad mood, so that it becomes a habit for him.
If you or someone in your family hits a child(father, older brother), or someone in the family (let’s say dad hits mom), have no doubt that this is the main reason for children’s aggression.
Your aggression towards your child leads to him redirecting his aggression towards weaker people. He STILL cannot answer you, but he takes out his anger on other children. Think about the example you are setting for him. A child is your mirror, he reflects you and what is happening in your family. If you change your behavior, he will change too.
Unfortunately, aggression in the family is still the norm. 90% of my clients admit to me (not immediately) that they have hit or are hitting their children. Moreover, many people do not consider slaps and slaps to be a manifestation of aggression. And they simply cannot imagine any other way to raise children.
If you shout or swing at a child, insult and humiliate him, threaten him with a belt, “break” him, put pressure on him - you are shaping him into the role of a victim. But the victim of parental terror in another situation with weaker people acts as a “tormentor”. At home he is a “victim”, but in kindergarten or on the playground he is a “tormentor”.
Let's look at other common causes of childhood aggression:
Why is your child fighting? Each case is unique, and it is important to understand each situation separately. If the previous tips did not help you, then The best way change the situation - family constellations
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