I want a family and children- I have heard this request in different formulations a hundred times. Now I’m not bragging, but panicking.
In our country, the ratio of men and women is almost the same (I looked at the Rosstat website). This means that if you are a single woman aged 30-55, then there is a lonely man of the same age walking around somewhere. Pure mathematics. Why is this and what to do?
I have three approaches to solving the problem:
1) academic(that is, for nerdy psychologists);
2) realistic(that is, for truth-telling cynics);
3) practical(that is, my personal approach, with a touch of an idealistic approach to the world).
Task: “Find an answer to the question: What to do if you want a family and children, but you can’t meet a normal person?”
Not everything is clearly defined in the wording of the request.
What does “family” mean to you?
After all, you can easily get married. You go to a dating site, choose a man who has voiced his desire to get married. Next is a matter of technology. You just need to meet his (man’s) requirements. Don’t tell me that men on sites only want a young, slender blonde as a wife. They are also realists there.
But! You don't want a stamp in your passport. In addition to the desire to have a family and children, you want trust and intimacy. Plus bodily contact, a coincidence of sensuality. And this is achieved by working hard on yourself. After all It doesn’t happen that we got married and immediately fell in love.
Are you ready to go through some (perhaps drastic) changes in order to build stable, trusting family relationships? What is your limit of flexibility? What will you do “for no price”?
These issues are usually discussed in the psychologist's office. Because not only does a person make a family, but a family also makes a person. What is your idea of family? It could grow from the relationship between parents, from books read, from observations of other people. This idea you have, it is vital to formulate it.
Who is a “normal person”?
I often hear - I want a family and children, but how to meet a normal person? To be honest, most often the concept of a “normal” person includes a dozen mutually exclusive requirements. To be respected is the first thing they say. How is it? Here’s the answer to a question about respect I once heard: “I know that a person respects me if he: Doesn’t do me harm, doesn’t interfere in my personal affairs, is kind to me.” In general, everything is correct and understandable. But that’s not what you want from your betrothed, is it? What then?
On the other hand, I know ladies who have thought through everything, right down to the menu that their chosen one should prefer. Plus, these ladies, showing a healthy mind, allow deviations from the plan within some limits. I personally see this position as reasonable. But it cannot be a recipe for happiness.
Even if you find a candidate who satisfies all the points on the list, it is not at all a fact that a family will work out with him. The family is a dynamic structure. Therefore, the “candidate” should be “observed” in the process.
Aren’t you familiar with situations when happy wives said: “ I never would have thought that everything would turn out this way. When I met my future husband, he was completely different. I really didn’t like him then!»
Based on both points, the answer to the query in the topic will be as follows:
Just create a social unit with a person you like. The rest is a matter of technique: working on yourself, on relationships.
These are not empty words! Love is not falling in love. Found strong family falling in love is much more difficult than adult love.
But let's listen to the cynic truth teller.
Cynicism has no place in family relationships. However, without him the world is too harsh and hurts the gentle female soul.
What are you willing to sacrifice?
A fact is a fact: meeting a reliable person with a similar attitude to the world, for whom you wouldn’t have to break yourself, is extremely difficult. Besides, it’s not enough just to meet. We also need to see that he is exactly like that. You can ride with him in the same subway car for years, and not suspect that your destiny is nearby.
But you won’t throw yourself on everyone’s neck with the question: “ What do you think about the meaning of life and would you agree to marry a vegetarian?»
Why am I saying this?
Perhaps this is why families are created so easily in youth. The foundations are not yet strong; they are not collapsing under pressure, but are being reformed.
Or you need to be very flexible to adapt to the person. I know the story when a woman first loved rock and beer, being married to one man. Then - classics and champagne, married to someone else. After healthy image life and spring water, married to a third. And each time I was happy for a while.
Where's the justice?
The secret for sure is to the fracture occurred not only in you, but in both of you. In the name of justice. The understanding of justice must be general. This is the most difficult thing. Probably, it is precisely by this definition that one should look for a betrothed. Not available bad habits and lifestyle.
It turns out that we fill out the wrong fields in questionnaires on dating sites. You should only write about what is yours family should be based on honesty and justice. If you come across such wording in someone else’s profile, immediately make an appointment.
But no one writes about justice, only about bad habits.
To get to the bottom of it, you need to spend a lot of time. When you get to the bottom of it and see that a person is basing a family on other principles, you become very disappointed. So much so that I don’t want to dig anywhere else.
Is family the foundation?
Is family the only basis of existence?
There have always been men and women in whose lives love and family occupied not first place. What were these people doing? They went on crusades, took monastic vows, meditated and waited for satori.
The institution of family is economically beneficial to society. Family and offspring ensure the development of civilization. But you can pass it on to your descendants not the gene pool, but wisdom. I will say more about this later.
Do you want a family urgently?
While I am ranting, many will want to interrupt me and object: “ I don't want to look for anything or anyone! I don’t want to change myself! I want a family now and here!»
My inner truth teller will say that this is the inner child in you speaking. Who was impatient to “get married urgently.” What if this desire burns out in you as soon as you get yours? In the extreme obsession of desire one can see whim. " I want it - and that’s it! I will NOT do anything else, I will only think about the family I need!»
Here we need to remember such concepts as personality maturity and imposed standards. In order not to get into deep psychological jungle in this article, I will be brief. Any obsession is harmful. Even if it's an obsession with the idea of starting a family.
What's the moral?
There is no morality. There is only one conclusion - all people are normal. The concept of norm is too broad in society.
We must look not for the normal, but for the special. Ask the main questions straight to the point. If the answers do not coincide with those expected, the next one.
Off the top of my head, I can immediately name 8 women from my inner circle who are “actively searching.” Different ages, with or without children, even of different social status. Some of them periodically enter into romantic relationships, some do not. They have different ideas about where to meet men and how to behave in a male society. But everyone equally wants a family.
These representatives of the fair sex have one thing in common. They're all waiting.
They are waiting for “love to come unexpectedly.”
Something like this happens to us at the age of 25. If before that love was hovering around, then then it seems to fly away to others, younger ones. And for those over 25, it leaves occasional impulses of romance.
Is this related to hormonal levels or social tasks - it is not clear. But the fact is a fact - the older we are, the more difficult it is to fall in love. IN mature age love is a gift of fate. Waiting for this gift to come to you is a terrible waste of life.
What is a sense of life?
There is an interesting theory of the meaning of life, the author of which I cannot remember, but I will convey the essence.
The meaning of a person's life can be on several levels. The goal is always the same - the development of human civilization, benefit for people.
1. The very first level of goal realization is the preservation and development of the gene pool, the quantitative component of humanity. In simple words– the meaning of life is in the birth and upbringing of children. The very first and basic goal of every individual: to expand his family. This is the local level.
2. The second level of meaning affects a wider range of people. Do something useful not only for your family . For a group of people: a company, a city, a certain circle of people. Example: become the head of a company in order to competently manage a team and produce quality product for society. Or take a post in the municipal structure to improve the quality of life. Or do charity work, help the weak and defenseless. There may be different coverage widths here. From the local mayor to the president. It is important that the benefits will be for many people here and now.
3. The third level is the largest. To help humanity reach a new stage, to take a leap forward. Fateful discoveries, inventions, works. This is a genius level, a global approach. Sklodowska-Curie, Cleopatra, Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc - their names will forever remain in history.
Have you matured to love and family?
Every person feels the need to love and be loved. I believe that you can find your soul mate even at 20 years old, even at 80. But you shouldn’t turn this search into an end in itself.
The term “Busy life” implies that it is full of emotions and events of various kinds. Not just family.
When love does come, it’s wonderful! No one will resist her. On the contrary, it will be received with an open heart with joy, without reproach: “ Where were you before?»
Another important point. A one-year-old child really wants to run fast and reach high. But until his legs get stronger and his arms grow, nothing will work out for the child.
We need to mature. Try, try. Without suffering that your arms are short. Wait for the moment to come. Be ready to catch him.
For two years, my daughter reached for the keyhole to open the door herself with the key. Each time she said: “ Mom, look, there’s just a little left!"This month she finally reached out and opened the door herself.
I like simple ones step by step diagrams. Here is a diagram that answers this question.
Good afternoon! I am 34 years old. I have been divorced for 4 years. My child is 7 years old. I work as a chief accountant. I live with my parents. I want to start a family, build a serious relationship with a man. But it doesn’t work out. Over the last 4 years after the divorce, I have had meetings with 4 men. As soon as it comes to cohabitation, about the family faces the same problem. Namely, the unwillingness to bear responsibility for the family and relationships.
My last relationship has been going on for two years. My partner is 39 years old and has been married for 7 years old, divorced about 5, two children, pays child support, rarely communicates with children (they come on vacation) - they live in another country, loves them very much. Gets along well with my child. Private entrepreneur. Lives with parents. Family relations are good. But I think at his age, it is necessary to live separately. While we were just dating and getting to know each other, everything was fine. But as soon as I started talking about the future, everything happened again. It scares me. It turns out the same thing all the time: family is expensive, troublesome, and why at all? You can just love and be loved, without obligations. But I want a family! I want a second child. Yes, I have certain requirements for a partner (live separately from my parents, earn more than me), but I’m not afraid of a rented apartment , no matter what, I’m ready to take care of a man and our children.
Please tell me, maybe my demands are too high? They constantly tell me about this. What should I do: break up and look for a new relationship? I love this person, but I’m gradually losing respect for him due to the fact that he doesn’t want to do anything to we were together.
Thank you for your attention.
Hello Anna. You started with the end of history, and it would be necessary from the beginning. The fact that you came to the sad conclusion for you that the men you liked do not want to be responsible to you, do not want to tie the knot, and consider open relationships comfortable for themselves, is the end of the story. And its beginning usually lies in the partnerships of your parents, or rather your impressions of them, whether you wanted to repeat such relationships, or, on the contrary, were very eager for others. An important factor is the circumstances of the divorce from the father of your child, as well as the circumstances under which you separated from your partners that you had before your current relationship. The key point of your appeal is the phrase: "... is it expensive, troublesome, and why in general?" Is it true and why should a man take on additional burdens? After all, if you yourself want to live separately from your parents, then why are you still living with them? By placing your bets on a man when building a partnership, making demands on him, and in fact making claims about his lack of actions to improve the quality of your life, you push him away from you and kill his desire to be with you and do something for you. Stop, look around, if you want to live separately from your parents, explain to him why you personally need this - this is of course great joint child and plans for the future, and you explain yourself more specifically. Explain to your man why it is not convenient for you to live with your parents, how your relationship with him will qualitatively change if you have, even if you don’t demand a rented apartment, but ask! men, a woman builds relationships carefully, gently. A man should feel so good with her that he himself wants to do everything to keep her by his side. For a more detailed analysis of the situation and to work on your personal qualities, it is advisable for you to contact psychologist in person. Sincerely,
Palchikova Elena Aleksandrovna, psychologist Krasnodar
Good answer 6 Bad answer 0Anna, hello!
From your story we can conclude that every time you step on the same rake.
Over the past 4 years after the divorce, I have had meetings with 4 men. As soon as it comes to living together, the same problem arises about the family. Namely, the reluctance to bear responsibility for the relationship.
Four times the same thing, perhaps the problem lies not in the partners, but in you? I recommend that you contact a specialist, since in your case it is necessary to consider the relationship in marriage, why the divorce occurred, who was the initiator? There is such a simple test: if you hear some remark addressed to you from a man, this is his problem, and if you hear this remark from many men, then the problem is yours. If the situation repeats itself every time, then most likely you are making the same mistake.
Tell me, please, maybe my demands are too high? They tell me this all the time
It is necessary to understand where these requirements come from. They didn’t just come to your mind, most likely they developed after some life experience, and are connected with that “past” experience that is not at all involved in the new relationship.
What should I do: break up and look for a new relationship? I love this man, but I’m gradually losing respect for him because he doesn’t want to do anything to keep us together.
Why break up? To fall into this trap again? With each new partner you will experience the same feelings, follow the same scenario. Until you find a “reason”, and this reason often sits far in the past, in childhood or youth.
In your situation, it is better to work with a family psychologist or psychotherapist.
Good luck to you!
Safina Elmira Anvarovna, psychologist Elabuga
Good answer 6 Bad answer 1Hello Anna! It is clear that it is not at all easy for you to be in a relationship with a man for whom you lose respect, even despite the feelings that you have. There are three ways out of this situation: either change your attitude towards this issue (and then just be with your loved one), or try to persuade him to your opinion (but this must be done very delicately and carefully, analyze what may be most important for him V family life and change his behavior in accordance with his values and needs. You won’t force him to start a family with you, you can only try to behave in such a way that he himself wants it.), or the third option is the most radical, this is to think about looking for another man. For a woman, the desire to start a family is by no means an exaggerated demand (especially since you yourself are ready to try for this and make concessions), but perhaps it is worth then analyzing which men you choose and why (after all, you yourself say that one and This is not the first time the same scenario is repeated). Perhaps initially these men do not meet your criteria, which is why such difficulties arise in the future. Then it’s worth paying attention to what exactly these men attracted you to and find out what is most important to you in a man (the factor of creating a family and maybe you’ll add something else). Then, when making new acquaintances, you will need to pay special attention to the opinions of these men regarding issues that interest you. You can find out when talking about the topic parental family, relationships among acquaintances, relatives and friends. A man's position will manifest itself in his judgment. Choose what is best for you to do, and for a more detailed analysis of the situation, you can contact a psychologist for help in person. Good luck and all the best to you.
Sincerely,
Krokhalevskaya Vladlena Sergeevna, psychologist Krasnodar family and make decisions. You will be a follower, or maybe not. But, apparently, you are afraid of such a man. Because such a man probably does not need you. This is probably your fantasy. This is a sign of low value. Because of this, the same scenario of disappointments and refusals occurs. To change it, it is important, I think, to engage in your inner world and make changes in it. Then life will sparkle with new colors. Contact us.
Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist of the Volgograd psychoanalytic school
Good answer 6 Bad answer 1“I want a family” - this desire sooner or later arises in the minds of almost all people. But is family life really that good or is it better to remain single? If you do start a family, how to prepare for this serious step? The publication will answer these questions.
For some, single life is real bliss and freedom, for others it is only melancholy and shackles. Some people dream of finding peace and family comfort as soon as possible, while others, on the contrary, strive to avoid tying the knot for a longer time. In most cases, single life attracts men, both young and mature. They can truly enjoy a free life until they feel the need to find a family.
Women, by their nature, tend to create comfort and homeliness. They perceive the absence of family in a negative way, especially if it has been absent for a long time. Therefore, it is quite normal if thoughts like “will I get married” arise in a girl’s head. It’s a rare woman who will be sincerely happy about her bachelor life. Typically, these include those who already have experience of marriage, and not the most successful one. Therefore, they do not want to live together with the opposite sex or try to postpone this moment as long as possible.
That is, everyone chooses for themselves how to live: freely or married. Single life has its pros and cons. We will talk about them further.
The basis of a bachelor's life is freedom in all its forms and manifestations. Non-family people very fiercely protect her from the attacks of the opposite sex. The opportunity to do what you want in single life is the main positive point. The remaining advantages only follow from the concept of freedom.
The positives are quite impressive. It’s understandable why bachelors say: “I don’t want a family.” But there is a significant nuance here. All the delights of a carefree life can be fully experienced only from the age of 25-28. As a rule, by this age, both women and men live separately from their parents, become financially independent and are sufficiently prepared to independently resolve everyday issues.
Usually awareness negative aspects Single life comes at those moments when a person is oversaturated with personal freedom. Then he begins to understand: “I want a family and children.” Moreover, single life has its downsides.
Of course, one cannot categorically state that family life is a panacea for everyone, and bachelor life is selfish and immoral. A person should listen only to his feelings and act in accordance with them. It’s stupid to start a family just because it’s age-appropriate or because everyone you know has already gotten married. The decision to end single life must be conscious and sincere. Only in this case will you be comfortable in marriage.
What problems might you encounter? It happens that a person comes to the conclusion: “I want to get married,” but for some reason cannot achieve this goal. Why is this happening? This can be explained by the following facts.
The most important reason is the creation ideal image partner. Moreover, a person may not even realize that it is not true. Everyone wants to be paired with someone who is smart, beautiful, rich, caring, and so on. This is an abstract person with a certain set of traits and qualities, which simply may not exist in reality. You need to come down from heaven and not wait for a prince or princess.
The second most popular reason is lack of motivation and true desire. Yes, a person can say: “I want a family,” but in reality this is not so. It is simply based on the norms of society and the fact that he sees many married couples around. Therefore, it would seem that he also wants to become like this, although in fact there is no real desire. This situation often happens to women. Seeing how friends start families, they begin to complain: “Will I ever get married?”
A bachelor may be slowed down by his past. For example, there was already love in his life, but it ended in separation, although the feelings remained. Since then, other applicants are not recognized at all and are not considered for the role of life partner.
Very often, some unfinished business or career prevents you from starting a family. There is so much to do in life! Earn enough money, buy a car, an apartment, have time to travel. And this, of course, requires funds and free time. Once these goals are achieved, it will be possible to start a family and children. Many people think this way and risk not making it in time.
Some people are prevented from creating a serious relationship by complexes, self-doubt, weak character and vulnerability. These subconscious qualities program for an unsuccessful life in which there is no family happiness. In accordance with this, a person builds his behavior.
Sooner or later you start to think about how to start a family and what you need to do to get there. This will be discussed further.
First of all, you should ask yourself why you have not yet been able to start a family. You need to be completely honest with yourself and answer the question honestly. For clarity, the reasons can be written down on a piece of paper. For example, these could be fears, complexes or problems in searching.
It is also worth thinking about why you want to start a family. That is, you need to understand what exactly you expect from a marriage relationship. All the options that come to mind can be written down on a piece of paper. Answers in the style of “because relatives are pressing” or “it’s time due to age” are an indicator of unpreparedness for serious relationship. It's just a desire to fit in public opinion. If your intentions are sincere, then you need to try to eliminate the reasons why you cannot start a family. What's the next step?
Some people say: “I want to get married,” but at the same time they don’t like themselves. Who will love a person who does not love himself? If there are any complexes that prevent you from starting a family, then you definitely need to work with them. If you have problems communicating with the opposite sex, then you need to visit psychological trainings. The figure can be corrected through sports and diets. Lack of repair or cooking skills will be corrected by appropriate courses. That is, any problem can be solved.
Some people are embarrassed by their appearance, although this complex is often far-fetched. But even if there are some problems with this, then it’s worth taking a closer look at happy married couples. Not all of them have ideal appearance. So that's not the point. A family is created with a person whose qualities correspond to one’s own expectations and values.
Of course, I want one desire good family"It won't be enough. These are just emotions. You must be ready to get married. And this is the maturity of the individual. To create a family, you need to have a certain value system. If it is different, then it will have to be reconsidered for the relationship to be successful. What to pay attention to before
It is important to understand what kind of person you want to see next to you for the rest of your days. To do this, you can make a list of preferred qualities. Appearance doesn't matter. It is necessary to indicate age, character traits, interests, skills and other characteristics. Something without which it is impossible to build a long-lasting relationship.
There is no need to hope that there will be a person who fully meets all the criteria. It is better to rank the list and when choosing, rely only on the most significant qualities. For example, for some it is very important that a partner loves children, while others value similar hobbies. Everyone has their own preferences. Of course, the other half should also want to live in marriage. Otherwise, the statement “I want a family, to get married” will simply be meaningless.
You can’t dream of starting a family and not leave the house. Your spouse will not fall from the ceiling. If there are only singles in your social circle, then you will have to make new acquaintances. You can visit restaurants, hobby clubs, sports clubs, theaters, city events, and so on. But you don’t need to “go hunting” and hope every time that you will meet the one. It is important to keep a sober mind and just enjoy life. For some, the solution will be special dating sites. They can significantly reduce the time it takes to find your chosen one. But this method has its drawbacks. On the Internet, people often embellish their virtues and behave differently than in real life.
When the search is completed, there is no need to rush and immediately stun the chosen one: “I want a family, let’s go to the registry office as soon as possible!” This will only scare you away, even if the person is not against marriage. Let the relationship develop gradually. Moreover, during this time you can get to know more closely all the advantages and disadvantages of a potential spouse. You can only think about getting married if you are absolutely sure that there is love, respect and compatibility. These are the basics of family life, without which you can’t live.
When the proposal is made, it is important to discuss with your partner all the nuances that are associated with living together. In the future, this will help avoid misunderstandings and major quarrels. It is worth deciding who will perform what duties, how finances will be distributed, how to raise children, what family traditions must be observed and so on. You can discuss everything down to the smallest detail, whatever comes to mind.
Preparing for family life is not a wedding celebration, dresses, a restaurant and a beautiful photo shoot. You need to learn to get along together, be responsible for others and respect your partner. Only in this case can a strong and happy family be created.
Good afternoon I would like to immediately apologize for my question - I will not be original, because “my” topic is not new: I am almost 36 years old, I am single, I have no husband and children and never have had one. I attractive girl, there are no problems in communication, I am a cheerful, friendly and sociable person, I have many acquaintances, I do not suffer from an inferiority complex, or delusions of “grandeur” - I do not specifically look for shortcomings in men in order to refuse them. But there is no close person either. I'm very worried about this. I have read a lot of literature on this topic, psychologists advise to stop getting hung up, spend more time in crowded places, find interesting work. Yes, yes, I have interesting classes, I read a lot, I study a foreign language, I went to dances. But the topic of marriage is a sore subject for me, I really want a family, not just formally for the sake of image, but a strong family based on love and mutual understanding, children. Doctors are already frightening me that in a few years I will no longer be able to give birth; old age is of no use to anyone. I noticed that I was giving up, I began to think about death as a way of getting rid of this worthless life. On the advice of psychologists, I help others who are worse off than me - kind words, business, if possible, money. I go to church, confess and receive communion, although not regularly. I’m embarrassed to talk about this topic with the priest of our parish. I sat on dating sites and found either Muslim migrant workers, or married people, or boys who were sexually preoccupied. They sit mostly out of boredom.
Tell me - how can I find out God’s will about myself? Maybe I’m not destined to be a wife and mother at all. Then how to calm down, how to stop hoping, live with the idea that you have such a fate, and come to terms with it.
I recently found out that one friend got married, another found a man, there’s just a stagnant swamp around me, I don’t have any changes. And then I realized that I was very jealous, I had never suffered such a sin, and painful envy was added to despondency and despair. I don't want to live. Without a family, you are an incomplete person, then why smoke the sky here? Unexpectedly, on the Internet I came across a book by Orthodox author Vladimir Cherepanov, “Secrets of Family Happiness.” I read it for a long time - it literally brought me back to life. If you can’t start a family, look for the wormhole in yourself and get rid of it. I'm quick-tempered, rude - yes. Touchy - yes. Sometimes I drink - yes. Etc. Envious? Already Yes. We urgently need to correct ourselves, the author writes, because God does not give bad people families. The author writes - go in for sports, lose weight if you are fat, etc. I took this into account and am struggling with myself. Only one thing is not clear to me - before my eyes there are examples of the opposite - a colleague, a girl who is very plump, masculine, rude, constantly quarrels, including with us, is hot-tempered... but she lives with a man. It turns out that God sent her family happiness. But, in my opinion, Cherepanov is still right - get rid of bad habits, including excess weight, it is necessary, it will always be useful in life.
Please advise how not to despair, I really want to create a good family and work for it. I'm just dying spiritually. I read prayers every day. But every day I think about my biological age and am horrified. “Women’s” time is already ticking by the clock - soon you can be left without children, especially since your health is not so great.
Friends advise me to give birth for myself - as I understand it, this is a sin. On the other hand, there is inexorable biological time. In a couple of years, nothing will be possible. Many priests advise taking a child from an orphanage - unfortunately, the income does not allow it, I cannot support both myself and the child on my own.
Help me please! I understand that no one will help you except yourself. But these are not words, believe me, I am working on myself, trying to fight the sin of despondency and despair, changing. But there is still an icy melancholy of despair in my soul. I don’t want to take on self-pity and the role of victim, but I still can’t change it. And no hobbies, etc. I can’t compensate for this loneliness. The most important thing is that I’m not bored with myself, but I’m already tired of being alone, I want to earn a family from the Lord. It's real? Or is it not given to everyone? All my friends and those around me are surprised - why nothing is working out for me, if only I had a man, and I would ruin all the relationships myself - but nothing is clear...
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